Another view on detaching that helped me was to use the "fishbowl" analogy. View your sitch like you are a third party looking at your marriage from the outside looking in. The change of perspective helps.
I really like this way of looking at it. It's similar to my "you have to get into a place where you can play it as a game" concept.
Puppy
Could you help me out with this?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I don't understand how the 'fishbowl' analogy helps
Your wife and you are the "fish." You get to watch your history, current interactions, view yourself and her as a outside observer. Since you are not part of the bowl you can be detached and give yourself more objective and productive advice. Like you are watching a movie of your marriage. Make sense?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I really like this way of looking at it. It's similar to my "you have to get into a place where you can play it as a game" concept.
Puppy
Could you help me out with this? [/quote]
Sure. You have to try to get as dispassionate as possible about your sitch, and look at is as a GAME to be played (and won). Try to see the humor in it occasionally. Think about strategy, and tactics, and evaluate what works and what doesn't. Interject different gambits, and mystique, and again see how they work.
In other words, you view it as a war game, and not as your marriage. Because if you do the latter, it's horrible and gut-wrenching and you get so emotional (at least I do) that you're not effective in doing the things that you have to do.
A doctor or a lawyer gets to (and in fact HAS to) recuse themselves when they're too close to the case personally (say the doctor operating on her own husband). But in DBing, it's as close as it gets! And yet we're still expected to "operate"!!
It's tough, but it does help if you can detach and view it as gamesmanship. Another way I've seen it done is as characters in a play, and/or you give yourself a cloak of a character that you are familiar with and that you admire, and who demonstrates the qualities that are needed at that stage of your DBing. For me, it was Joe Friday, of Dragnet -- you know, "just the facts, ma'am." For a female poster who was looking for such a role model, I suggested the character of Joyce Davenport on the old Hill Street Blues TV series. Tough as nails, but also beautiful and passionate. Was able to not put up with any of Frank Furillo's b.s. while still maintaining a loving and even passionate relationship with him.
I don't understand how the 'fishbowl' analogy helps
Your wife and you are the "fish." You get to watch your history, current interactions, view yourself and her as a outside observer. Since you are not part of the bowl you can be detached and give yourself more objective and productive advice. Like you are watching a movie of your marriage. Make sense?
Yeah, it makes sense. Did it help you to detatch to where you weren't affected by her at all or what was going on in her life at all? What else helped you to do 'that' and to get 'there'?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks for the explanation. What was it, specifically, that helped you detatch to the point where you were completely unaffected by her at all, or by what was going on in her life at all?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
What else helped you to do 'that' and to get 'there'?
Thinking thru the problem.
Staying busy.
Using all my prior training, education, knowledge and experiences.
Understanding it wasn't all in my control.
Flipping the switch in my mind (deciding) that I would be OK no matter what.
How to act, if I thought it would help with my goals I tried it. Do the right thing. Act out of love.
Listening before responding. Validating. Boundaries.
Seeing my wife, understanding her, loving her without expectation. Loving her the way she needs to feel loved.
Having a open mind. Letting go of dysfunctional beliefs.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Flipping the switch in my mind (deciding) that I would be OK no matter what.
This is the hardest thing - it was a natural occurrence in my case and not something I was able to force.
I thought I had flipped the switch several times, but I would then find myself feeling more at peace at one point than Ihad previously, making me realize that I was gradually getting to this place and hadn't quite gotten there the 'last' time.
I was able to use the fishbowl technique to get there - when I was away from home a couple weeks back I realized that I have no M to return to when I got home, whereas on previous trips I would look forward to seeing W when I got home but that was now gone. Looking at it from the outside (from another continent essentially) allowed me to flip the switch, because I realized that continuing the M with my W is not the key to a happy life for me. She would need to undergo radical change in her attitude and if she didn't I knew I would be happier without her and that this is no way to live.
Now I care about what my W does and I still hope things will miraculously turn around, but I am doing 'something different' as a result of my detatchment. I am truly viewing her as just a roommate and really treating her that way. I couldn't do it before.
Anyway, this is how things have evolved for me on the detatchmetn front. I wish I could have done it in six weeks like Puppy, but in my case it has been about 8 months (ugh).
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
I should clarify. I was not COMPLETELY detached that quickly, and I'm still not. But that was about the amount of time it took me to realize that I COULDN'T CONTROL HER. I mean, I knew it intellectually, but I never really GOT it until then, to the point of having one of those "aha" moments, kwim?
What else helped you to do 'that' and to get 'there'?
1. Thinking thru the problem.
2. Staying busy.
3. Using all my prior training, education, knowledge and experiences.
4. Understanding it wasn't all in my control.
5. Flipping the switch in my mind (deciding) that I would be OK no matter what.
6. How to act, if I thought it would help with my goals I tried it. Do the right thing. Act out of love.
7. Listening before responding. Validating. Boundaries.
8. Seeing my wife, understanding her, loving her without expectation. Loving her the way she needs to feel loved.
9. Having a open mind. Letting go of dysfunctional beliefs.
1. She's divorcing me. What's there to think thru now?
2. I do. Thank goodness for my bicycling.
3. How do I use these things to help me detatch?
4. Nope. I couldn't stop her from divorcing me. Knowing that, how does it help me to detatch?
5. This, I need to do! I know that! Knowing how to do it would help though? I think it's Coach's Stockdale Principle.
6. Well, the divorce is happening. It's in progress. It's gonna nearly kill me financially, not to mention the emotional and mental expenditure. What goals are there right now besides surviving this?
7. How do these things help me detatch?
8. Again, how do these things, in particular, help me to detatch?
9. I want to get to where I'm not affected by her at all, or what is going on in her life at all...just like any other person on the street would be unaffected by her or what was going on in her life!
ps - thanks
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Thanks for the explanation. What was it, specifically, that helped you detatch to the point where you were completely unaffected by her at all, or by what was going on in her life at all?
I'm not the expert on this - Coach is - but I did catch something that I think makes an important distinction. You write about being 'completely unaffected.' I'm thinking that the objective is more along the lines of not being responsible for your spouse more than not being affected by. I mean, what she/he does may affect your life but that you understand your are not responsible for her actions, can't control them, and they don't hold the key to you're happiness and tranquility.
Actually, in some ways, the WAS does this bit, too. For different reasons. And a lot sooner than the LBS.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
