Detachment

[Greek]

YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER THIS! You already have the awareness that this bleeding will occur. So stop it!! Talk to yourself. Love yourself. Heal yourself. What would you say to your CHILD who told you what you just wrote to me - the bleeding over part - what would you say to your child to encourage him/her? Well, say that to yourself! You would say "You are not unlovable just b/c one person doesn't love you. You are a valuable friend to many people. You have gifts that others need and want you to share. You have so much to offer - you are lovable and WILL BE LOVED!" That's what I'd say to MY child, anyway. You say that to yourself and believe it.

[Coach]

Sure, they date other men because they want to, but we tell ourselves that if there wasn't a flaw in us...then they would be dating us instead! And if we weren't unlovable, and/or if we didn't do something to deserve this...then they would be dating us instead!

Antlers read up on shame. It is probably a source of your anger from your FOO.

Guilt is when you feel bad about something you did (behavior). It's normal and healthy in the right amounts.

Shame is when you feel bad because you think there is something wrong with you. If only I was better, more lovable, smarter, better looking, made more money, skinnier, etc then she/he would love me. So the self talk is I have a flaw that precludes me from being loved. This leads to pessimistic thinking, co-dependence, anger, and catastrophising.

There is nothing wrong with you. Have you made mistakes, sure. Who on this earth hasn't. Nothing wrong with making mistakes, it's how you recover. Start by loving yourself enough to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. Who would want to love you if you don't love yourself? BTW this will help you detach.

Cheers

[antlers]

Thanks for the explanation. What was it, specifically, that helped you detatch to the point where you were completely unaffected by her at all, or by what was going on in her life at all?

I don't think I ever did get to a point where I was "completely unaffected by her," Antlers. If I did, I wouldn't be human -- I'd be some robot.

I did, however, get to a point where I no longer allowed how SHE felt about me (and our marriage) to define what I felt about myself (and our marriage). And as I've stated elsewhere, I also began to learn to operate from a basic position of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation; what is it that God Himself would have me do if He were standing right in front of me?" instead of my old, enmeshed, co-dependent way of "How will she react if I do/say that? Will she be angry with me? How will her reaction make me feel?"

Once I made a few stands, and faced down her enraged blowback, and saw that I was still standing? Now THAT helped me get there.

The final element was (and is) my faith in God, and in what the Bible says about who I am in Christ. In reading the Psalms and Proverbs every morning, I was reminded of their universal truths about who I am, and how I am to live my life, and I just couldn't find anything in there that says anything about letting how someone else feels about me affect my own worth as a child of God.

Puppy

"Confront the most brutal facts of your current reality"...guess it's something I'm just gonna have to face.

I want to be there too...where I no longer allow how she feels about me to define what I feel about me. Maybe operating from a position of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation; what is it that God Himself would have me do if He were standing right in front of me?"...would help me too!

I kinda walked on eggshells myself, to some degree, for the last 8 months. Now that we're getting divorced, I won't be doing that anymore...to any degree!

Sound wisdom. Makes perfect sense that we shouldn't let how someone else feels about us affect our own self-worth...but we do sometimes. We internalize it.

[Kettricken]

We let it BLEED into our self-worth. Sure, they date other men because they want to, but we tell ourselves that if there wasn't a flaw in us...then they would be dating us instead! And if we weren't unlovable, and/or if we didn't do something to deserve this...then they would be dating us instead!

I only 2x4 because I care. The above, well, you've given problem and solution there, dude. It bleeds over only if you LET IT. Granted, the mental and emotional process in *refusing* to let it isn't a snap-of-the-fingers thing ... it takes time, and you will backslide. But your mental self-talk and what you believe about yourself IS fully in your control.

Also, don't take this as a slam ... but can you see how you're sitting in the Center Of The Universe chair a bit, above? Your wife is a sentient individual with probably a hundred reasons why she might not choose to date or reconcile with you. Odds are, only *some of those reasons* have anything to do with you at all (as opposed to her family of origin or general emotional status, for instance), and perhaps even fewer have any relation to the person you are now becoming. Don't take on the load for her complicated human choices ... that's a form of arrogance (and even self-centeredness) in itself.

Finally, I hate to see you devote too many resources to detaching with the idea that it will deliver you from pain. There is no way to escape pain in this process. It's like expecting to have surgery without any post-op pain. Ain't gonna happen. The important focus points are: You are doing all you can to make this as healthy as possible for everyone. And whatever pain you feel, you will survive it, you can handle it, and you will not always feel this bad.

[antlers]

I'm just trying to detatch as much as possible because she's divorcing me. I know I'm not responsible for her actions and that I can't control them. I just don't want to be hurt by them anymore. Now that I know the divorce is happening (it's in progress), I don't want to be hurt by the things that are to come...for example, her dating others. If I can get detatched to the point that her dating others will bother me no more than any other woman dating others...well, that's where I want to 'get to'! Can one get detatched to that degree?

You are going to still feel your emotions. It's accepting the brutal reality part. Understand what Adm Stockdale said about who didn't make it in the POW camps - the optimists. The men who had expectations on things which they had no control over.

You can handle it.

"I can see where "confront the most brutal facts of your current reality" is just something you have to do. What choice do you have? I just don't want to hurt any more over this than is normal and expected!

[Gardener]

^^^!!!

Excellent, Kettricken. Excellent.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Finally, I hate to see you devote too many resources to detaching with the idea that it will deliver you from pain. There is no way to escape pain in this process. It's like expecting to have surgery without any post-op pain. Ain't gonna happen. The important focus points are: You are doing all you can to make this as healthy as possible for everyone. And whatever pain you feel, you will survive it, you can handle it, and you will not always feel this bad.

As my friend Kett likes to say: "This ^"

[K4D]

I hate to see you devote too many resources to detaching with the idea that it will deliver you from pain. There is no way to escape pain in this process. It's like expecting to have surgery without any post-op pain. Ain't gonna happen.

This is so true. It isn't about making it go away. It is about managing it.

Kevin

[antlers]

On the Divorce Busting Facebook page, Davis posted her article, "Look before you leap." Your W is in for her own share of pain, if she goes through with the D. No one gets through unscathed.

I know we shouldn't wish pain on others, but it gave me a sense of peace.

Well, this divorce is gonna make her a rich woman. She is gonna be financially 'set'. She detatched a long time ago. Don't know about her being "in for her own share of pain"? Don't know what it would be?

[Greek]

Fire your lawyer if your wife is getting "rich" divorcing you. How can that be??