Detachment

[tryingtilDorR]

Actually, in some ways, the WAS does this bit, too. For different reasons. And a lot sooner than the LBS.

A very important point regarding the fact that the WAS 'detatches' first. I read a book (Uncoupling) that talked about the whole process, and in effect that is exactly what the WAS does but they get to do it on their own time in their own way and without someone else pushing them there (unless LBS is abusive/etc I gues).

By the time the LBS understands what has happened they are forced to go throught he same process in a forced fashion, kind of like they had a gun to their head.

The LBS is then 'helped along' or pushed through the proces by the WAS's actions. In my case, some of the emotionally abusive statements and bad behavior finally made me realize that I deserve better and that this is no way to live. I don't pity myself (I used to), but just recognize the situation for what it is.

This is what set me on the road to being detatched in addition to what I mention above about the fishbowl 'aha' moment when I was traveling.

[antlers]

Thanks for the explanation. What was it, specifically, that helped you detatch to the point where you were completely unaffected by her at all, or by what was going on in her life at all?

I'm not the expert on this - Coach is - but I did catch something that I think makes an important distinction. You write about being 'completely unaffected.' I'm thinking that the objective is more along the lines of not being responsible for your spouse more than not being affected by. I mean, what she/he does may affect your life but that you understand your are not responsible for her actions, can't control them, and they don't hold the key to you're happiness and tranquility.

Actually, in some ways, the WAS does this bit, too. For different reasons. And a lot sooner than the LBS.

Greek

Hi Greek.

I'm just trying to detatch as much as possible because she's divorcing me. I know I'm not responsible for her actions and that I can't control them. I just don't want to be hurt by them anymore. Now that I know the divorce is happening (it's in progress), I don't want to be hurt by the things that are to come...for example, her dating others. If I can get detatched to the point that her dating others will bother me no more than any other woman dating others...well, that's where I want to 'get to'! Can one get detatched to that degree?

[tryingtilDorR]

If I can get detatched to the point that her dating others will bother me no more than any other woman dating others...well, that's where I want to 'get to'! Can one get detatched to that degree?

I believe you can antlers, although I don't have first hand knowledge. I believe no matter what it will take time, however, to get there just like everything else in this area of detatchment. If I get to this point where my W is openly dating others some day I know that having a life of my own where I am truly responsible for my own happiness, and making it happen (not just acknoweldging it but living it) I will be able to detatch to that level also.

[Greek]

Antlers,
That's bound to hurt - her dating other people. And I don't think you would be HUMAN if it didn't. I don't think it would be healthy if you didn't feel hurt about that. But now look - I'm thinking the healthy way to deal with that hurt (which must be inevitable) is not to let it BLEED into your self-worth. She is dating other men b/c that is what she wants - NOT b/c there is some FLAW in Antlers; not b/c Antlers is unlovable; not b/c Antlers did something to deserve this. See what I mean?

Greek

[antlers]

The WAS 'detatches' first. That is exactly what the WAS does but they get to do it on their own time in their own way and without someone else pushing them there.

By the time the LBS understands what has happened they are forced to go throught he same process in a forced fashion, kind of like they had a gun to their head.

The LBS is then 'helped along' or pushed through the proces by the WAS's actions.

This is exactly what happened with she and I. She has been detatched for a long time, while I'm still trying to get there.

[antlers]

God, I hope you can! Certainly you can? Yeah, I know it'll take time. I already know that I'm responsible for my own happiness, but I still don't want to hurt over this.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks for the explanation. What was it, specifically, that helped you detatch to the point where you were completely unaffected by her at all, or by what was going on in her life at all?

I don't think I ever did get to a point where I was "completely unaffected by her," Antlers. If I did, I wouldn't be human -- I'd be some robot.

I did, however, get to a point where I no longer allowed how SHE felt about me (and our marriage) to define what I felt about myself (and our marriage). And as I've stated elsewhere, I also began to learn to operate from a basic position of "What is THE RIGHT THING TO DO in this situation; what is it that God Himself would have me do if He were standing right in front of me?" instead of my old, enmeshed, co-dependent way of "How will she react if I do/say that? Will she be angry with me? How will her reaction make me feel?"

Once I made a few stands, and faced down her enraged blowback, and saw that I was still standing? Now THAT helped me get there.

The final element was (and is) my faith in God, and in what the Bible says about who I am in Christ. In reading the Psalms and Proverbs every morning, I was reminded of their universal truths about who I am, and how I am to live my life, and I just couldn't find anything in there that says anything about letting how someone else feels about me affect my own worth as a child of God.

Puppy

[antlers]

Antlers,
That's bound to hurt - her dating other people. And I don't think you would be HUMAN if it didn't. I don't think it would be healthy if you didn't feel hurt about that. But now look - I'm thinking the healthy way to deal with that hurt (which must be inevitable) is not to let it BLEED into your self-worth. She is dating other men b/c that is what she wants - NOT b/c there is some FLAW in Antlers; not b/c Antlers is unlovable; not b/c Antlers did something to deserve this. See what I mean?

Greek

I know exactly what you mean here Greek. But, under circumstances like these, we tend to internalize things. We let it BLEED into our self-worth. Sure, they date other men because they want to, but we tell ourselves that if there wasn't a flaw in us...then they would be dating us instead! And if we weren't unlovable, and/or if we didn't do something to deserve this...then they would be dating us instead!

[Coach]

I'm just trying to detatch as much as possible because she's divorcing me. I know I'm not responsible for her actions and that I can't control them. I just don't want to be hurt by them anymore. Now that I know the divorce is happening (it's in progress), I don't want to be hurt by the things that are to come...for example, her dating others. If I can get detatched to the point that her dating others will bother me no more than any other woman dating others...well, that's where I want to 'get to'! Can one get detatched to that degree?

You are going to still feel your emotions. It's accepting the brutal reality part. Understand what Adm Stockdale said about who didn't make it in the POW camps - the optimists. The men who had expectations on things which they had no control over.

You can handle it.

[ClingingToHope]

On the Divorce Busting Facebook page, Davis posted her article, "Look before you leap." Your W is in for her own share of pain, if she goes through with the D. No one gets through unscathed.

I know we shouldn't wish pain on others, but it gave me a sense of peace.