Detachment

[antlers]

Fire your lawyer if your wife is getting "rich" divorcing you. How can that be??

Whoops. "Rich" is a relative term, a figure of speech...kinda. She's gonna get half of the retirement account (significant amount, which our State says she's entitled to), she's gonna get half the equity in the house (significant amount, which our State says she's entitled to), and she's seeking child support from me (which our State says she's entitled to) even though we're going to have joint legal and physical custody! She'll be able to pay cash for a house of her own after this.


ps - I'll have to refinance the house, and take on additional significant debt, in order to pay her half of the equity in the house, which our State says she's entitled to.

[orangedog]

She shouldn't be getting rich and neither should you. Don't start a big lawyer fight otherwise the only ones getting rich will be them.

[antlers]

See above!

[tryingtilDorR]

There is no way to escape pain in this process. It's like expecting to have surgery without any post-op pain. Ain't gonna happen. The important focus points are: You are doing all you can to make this as healthy as possible for everyone. And whatever pain you feel, you will survive it, you can handle it, and you will not always feel this bad.

So true. Hopefully over time the pain stings less.

One other thing that I thought was worth mentioning on this thread is that the LBS will come to a point where they intellectually understand that they need to detatch for multiple reasons - maybe initially to affect the WAS because they read that it will help, but later to allow themselves to move forward with their life in a healthy way.

However, even thought the LBS intellectually understands all this, understanding and agreeing with the concept isn't enough to actually do it (in my case anyway). I felt like I understood that detatchment was important and why for many months, but doing it was a longer-term exercise and a gradual process (the degree of detatchment increased slowly over time).

Later, most likely due to the actions of the WAS, the LBS will then detatch for real.

Only then will they have a chance to get the WAS back, but by the nature of the detatchment process they may not want the WAS! How ironic, but it makes so much sense.

I think Puppy or Coach mentioned above that this is kind of a like a game when you actually detatch and look at the situation from the outside-in. I agree. It is a high stakes game with your family in the balance, but you get to a point where you can rationalize that you 'win' no matter what the outcome is.

[K4D]

antlers,

Since you are mainly posting over here now, ask 25yearsmlc for her advice since she is a family law attorney in California. I think somehow you are getting screwed and she will tell you that. You really should fire your L and hire a better one. Talk to her first though. Don't be an idiot in this as I know you are smarter than this.

Kevin

[Goodfight]

Hi everyone,
Kevin already knows me but I was told to come on this to learn how to detach. I'm having a really hard time detaching myself.

Don't know how to attach my thread but if anyone gets a chance sure could use some input. After 4 months of no contact H starts contacting again and I don't know if I messed up on DBusting or maybe not.

My friends tell me that H is coming around again and know him well and think that he is realizing he made a big mistake. But people on here know way more than they do. So any advice and input would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[C-Bart]

Antlers,
Something about your post really bothered me. Maybe if I was in your shoes I'd feel the same but you sound really angry at some perceived injustices. Quite certain this is going to be an unpopular post but your W has earned 50% of your current assets as she has contributed 50% to your family. If she has a retirement plan you should have a 50% claim on hers as well. Chances are that she was banking on you and had nothing set up for herself.

On the child support issue, you have grounds to push for physical custody if you are staying in the family home.

Maybe your post struck a nerve in my mind cause my W wants nothing. Think that hurts worse than being asked for her fair share.

[TooLateForMe]

Lost41,

Detaching is hard. I'm still working on it. Basically, I arrived at a point where I no longer recognized myself. The needy, whining person wasn't who I was when I started the R. At one point I realized that person I'd become was in no way appealing to my W. I came to the conclusion that under all that pain and years of co-dependence was a guy who wouldn't have stood for this c***. I know now that I need that dignity or I won't have much of a life for myself, let alone any possibility of a M.

Don't know if that helps, but I find it easier to detach when I realize that I'm the guy now that my W always wanted. I'm ready for change and commitment and willing to do what I have to do to make myself and her happy. If she's doesn't want me then that's her loss. Someone will.

[antlers]

YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER THIS! You already have the awareness that this bleeding will occur. So stop it!! Talk to yourself. Love yourself. Heal yourself. What would you say to your CHILD who told you what you just wrote to me - the bleeding over part - what would you say to your child to encourage him/her? Well, say that to yourself! You would say "You are not unlovable just b/c one person doesn't love you. You are a valuable friend to many people. You have gifts that others need and want you to share. You have so much to offer - you are lovable and WILL BE LOVED!" That's what I'd say to MY child, anyway. You say that to yourself and believe it.

Why is it so hard to exert that control? I'm a big believer in compassion, it's something I've been working on for the last 8 or 9 months. If I have true compassion for my hurts, then I sould care about my hurts, and I should have the will to do something about them! If it hurts me to think about something, then being compassionate with myself means that I shouldn't think about something that hurts me (that's the 'having the will to do something about it' part)! Right? I believe in talking to myself, and loving myself, and healing myself. Easy to say, harder to do. Your analogy makes perfect sense.

"You are not unlovable just b/c one person doesn't love you. You are a valuable friend to many people. You have gifts that others need and want you to share. You have so much to offer - you are lovable and WILL BE LOVED!" - Greek

"You say that to yourself and believe it." - Greek

[antlers]

Sure, they date other men because they want to, but we tell ourselves that if there wasn't a flaw in us...then they would be dating us instead! And if we weren't unlovable, and/or if we didn't do something to deserve this...then they would be dating us instead!

Antlers read up on shame. It is probably a source of your anger from your FOO.

Guilt is when you feel bad about something you did (behavior). It's normal and healthy in the right amounts.

Shame is when you feel bad because you think there is something wrong with you. If only I was better, more lovable, smarter, better looking, made more money, skinnier, etc then she/he would love me. So the self talk is I have a flaw that precludes me from being loved. This leads to pessimistic thinking, co-dependence, anger, and catastrophising.

There is nothing wrong with you. Have you made mistakes, sure. Who on this earth hasn't. Nothing wrong with making mistakes, it's how you recover. Start by loving yourself enough to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. Who would want to love you if you don't love yourself? BTW this will help you detach.

Cheers

Feeling inadequate and unlovable and powerless was the source of my anger, resentment, and abuse.

I have a tremendous amount of remorse over the way I behaved for all the years that I did.

I have always thought that Coach. That caused the problems. The self talk has been hugely detrimental. In my case, it led to anger, resentment, and abuse.

Thank you. The self talk is that there is, but I believe you in truth. I have made awful mistakes, for years. I have, to a large degree, but the self talk is still there, and it came back with a vengeance with her filing for divorce and telling me the things she did.