Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Jouranling:
Chilly Sunday... H slept in D13's room saturday night. H and I spent most of the time apart Sunday, I took the girls shopping. I came home in a good mood and things felt a bit calmer. H and I briefly talked about our weird communication Saturday. We stopped talking before anything was fully resolved b/c H said his chest hurt(from the emotional pain).. I think H was hurt that I mentionned in "my every thought in my head ramble" that I thought he'd divorce me...I think that hurt him.

In our brief talk I said I thought he would just listen and understand that these were all just random thoughts-not concrete...H said he hadn't had time to shut down the reaction part of his brain and so we ended up with a mess...

Anyway...we slept in the same bed..ML..things are slowly improving since Saturday. what a rollercoaster ride! Let me off soon!

[peacetoday]

K
sounds like you worked through it
stuff will always come up but I guess the key is to keep talking and trying to work things out
the rollercoaster ride may last a while but you are strong and prepared for whatever it takes
peace

[kjensen]

I think I haven't moved over to the piecing forum b/c H is still very much in his MLC. The mixed signals, the moodiness, the depression.

Random thoughts:

Since this past weekend was a bust, H was to create our first weekly date and neither of us were in a place to go on a date...I asked H at lunch if he still wanted to plan the date for this week or if I should do it. H looked at me, surprised, and said he really hadn't thought about it...then mentionned something about this past weekend being bad(I felt he looked at me like it was my fault-I didn't react)..I said OK and didn't pursue the topic...

Not sure what'll happen on that (dating)front.

H did say last night he felt better than he had in days(meaning since our awful weekend)...so no more mention of anyone moving out..

H was reading my Marie Claire magazine and mentionned an interview with Hilary Swank( about her divorce) and said she stated a point he hadn't verbalized but agreed with- that getting divorced turns your whole world upside down and rips it apart-your relationships with family and friends all change. He looked at me and said "I've known you almost my whole life, at least 23 years..it is hard to imagine you not in my life". Not sure if he was thinking about still getting divorced or reminiscing about when he asked me for a divorce(5/18/09)...

H does feel disconnected from the girls. I think its split between them being teenagers and moving away from mom and dad and feeling betrayed by his leaving us. I know D12 hasn't forgiven H for leaving and has alot of anger towards him. D13 is preoccupied with her life, I think. She's closest to H.

[Grace_O]

k,

When you talk try to pre-screen (if you will) what comes out. All random thoughts do not need to be verbalized. If you do say or do something that falls into an old pattern you are trying to change, acknowledge it. Something really simple like a smile and "I'm working on that". Then let it go.

It does sound like the two of you did work it out pretty well.

Has he tried to talk to the girls about whatever they're feeling? It's hard at best, harder when you feel guilty. He'll have to find a way to connect with them and he will in time. Remember that's his job, not yours.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Remember that's his job, not yours.

Agreed it is his job.

However, helping to pave the way might not hurt.

[Grace_O]

Good point

[kjensen]

Good points, but any suggestions on how to pave the way? I did feel that when H moved out I was the one trying to keep the girls and H together/communicating/seeing each other. The way H remembers it is that I prevented him from seeing the girls(all b/c of my one-time statement that I didn't think it was practical to have the girls spend part of the week with him and part with me during school). If this topic ever comes up, H still seems resentful...even though I later explained my position. and it was a reasonable position.

I feel like I should stay out of the middle ground. If H and the girls are in a room(kitchen) talking, I usually stay away so they can. I try to let them all have their time together. It hurts H though when he's home with one or both and they shut themselves in their room(not sure if its him, or the teen-thing)...H takes it very personally though.


So ...the girls and H are aware of the awkwardness between them and part of that awkwardness is the girls hate it when H blows up (and he's still somewhat unpredictable there)..

I'd love to hear what other DBers have had work successfully on this front.

[Grace_O]

k,

My sitch is differnet in that my D's (17 and 14) live with me 24/7 (H moved 1 hr+ away and he said they should live with me). So I haven't seen any resentment there.

I do give them time together when they are talking etc (if I am home as he visits them there..another story). They do go out some for Dad and D times too.

Part of the room thing is definately that they are teens and if you see him take it personally you could say something that let's him know they do it to you too. "Are they teenagers or what? The way they hide in there rooms sometimes I think I'm being ignored (say it lightly and wink at him or something to show you get it).

My youngest D has the biggest problem with H and while it's a little to lengthy to go into here. When she get's into her "I don't like my Dad, why do I have to visit with him" stuff, I just say he's your Dad and it's important and that's just the way it is.

[kjensen]

Journaling:
H was in a funk yesterday. When I'd ask if he was OK he would say "NO- I hate my life- stop asking how I am"...I didn't react.
Those comments are hard not to take personally...

Nights seem hard for H-he feels the need to keep busy, have projects to do...doesn't want to sit around watching TV(although football is acceptable).

So on the way home from an errand we heard a Pink Floyd song on the radio and I asked H if he'd like to go home and have a glass of wine and play his guitar along with some PF..He said sure and the funk disappeared..We had a nice time listening to David Gilmour and talking about music..

It was funny though- H would pull out a CD and think I'd never heard it(Its been OUR CD for years and years-of course I've heard it) and be surprised when I'd say "yes, I've heard this one...". Anyway, the evening ended well. It was just interesting. Sometimes H seems like a lost boy, sometimes a rebellious teen..you just never know.

[Chel]

k,

Hello, your story struck a nerve with me, similarities with H and MLC. My H dropped the bomb on 5/16/09 and we do have D papers finally drawn up and working through a settlement. H never says he is not going but evertytime he picks a date he says he is leaving he does not. We are approaching another one of those in a couple of weeks.

My H for the past few months has just opted out of living and has regressed to acting childish. He feels there is more to life and no longer has passion for me, generally bored, feels sorry for himself. Doesn't know if marriage is for him, etc. We have been together 23 yrs and married 16 yrs. We do not have any kids. I too opted to DB and make marriage work. I tried to come up with fun activities and in general he would go along, but sometimes was such a sourpuss he was no fun to have around. We kept ML'ing and after months we are still sleeping together but I have been allowing no ML for about a month.

When H speaks about things he uses I, me, mine, etc. and seems to be engrossed in his needs and absolutely refuses to go to counseling and refuses to say he will stay.

Sorry for the long background but wanted to possibly explain why I see similarities. I am absolutely at the end of my rope also and will comment on what others have told me and what I can see is happening with you.

I think you and I both agree that we want our marriages to work but to feel like we have to walk on eggshells to not upset them is wearing thin. We both have found over time getting away from the situation and doing things we enjoy is good, healthy and it makes it very hard sometime to go back home to possibly an unhappy, grumpy H. Also, we equate ML with feelings. We try to make everyone else feel good sacraficing our feelings.

Being the daughter of divorce I witnessed my dad cheat on my mom and my mom try and hold the marriage together. It took years for me to have a healthy relationship with my dad and sometimes I wonder if I picked a partner who would in turn treat me as my dad treated my mom. Your H is still sulky and feels sorry for himself so I don't think he is going to be good right now at repairing relationships with your daughters. I think you should keep communicating with your daughters, and when you act, act like how you would like your daughters to respond to this situation.

Wow, I have so much to say, but I do know you are very strong and no matter what happens you will be okay. I don't think your H is ready or wants to improve things - he is still acting selfish and childish. I think you and your daughters should plan a vacation and the minicooper is definitely out. H knows how to press your buttons and you are still responding to behaviors that are unacceptable.

Since I have stopped sleeping with him, although we are still sleeping in the same bed - he is obsessed that I must be seeing someone else (this is so off the wall); however, guys need sex and can separate the two so ML for them is simply a stress reliever I simply cannot even feel excited right now because I used to think ML would make us closer but it did not, his behavior continued.

Believe me, I am still hoping to save our marriage but in the meantime, I feel some detaching on my end. I have also really been questioning MLC and DB. Okay, I understand that MLC'ers are going through a journey or phase and may feel very conflicted on trying to figure out who they are or what they want but I also question excusing behaviors or feeling sorry for them is healthy. The healthiest thing I've learned is the GAL'ing. This is so important because you absolutely have to love yourself first before you have enough to give someone else. You also need to know your boundaries and even though our heart breaks that they are hurting there is really no magic bullet we can deploy to make things better. I really believe they need to go through this alone because everything we seem to say or try does nothing.

I honestly believe if we stop (and I am trying to convince myself of this) and we work on ourselves, do the things that we know are right and healthy, they will follow. They will want to be on board with the positive, attracted to our greener pastures.

I think we try so hard to save the marriage that in my case I lost some of my dignity. Maybe this happens with MLC'ERS who stick around but aren't doing much to improve the situation. My H pushed back dates he was going to leave he said because of anniversaries or birthdays, but did absolutely nothing to make those times celebrations in fact they were no fun. Oops guess there is some anger as to why we seem to treat them with kid gloves. But again, H would not agree to go anywhere with me on vacations, etc.

Very cliche but I think if it is meant to be it will happen, they will come back and they will do the hardwork to again earn our love.

Take care,
cheljenk

M 16 yrs.
T 23 yrs.
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers on table for a couple of months
Still living together