Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

I'd sleep too!

I am a pleaser as well. I talked to H a bit this weekend and changes I'm making in myself came up and H was looking at me like-what changes?..I said I have to break the habit of pleasing him(because he is impossible to please) and please myself and H agreed. He does have moments of clarity/sanity.

I think its those moments that make me question whether he is in MLC, (the doubt in my head is that he's just unhappy with me and I'm using the MLC label as an excuse/crutch to try to salvage an unsalvageable marriage). He has followed the outline/script pretty closely , but the doubt still creeps in..

[drewnole]

KJ,

I think we all felt the same way you just described. I actually felt the same way today.

My MLC'er is following the script closely also. But, the thought seems to be in the back of my head at times. Yet, the depression is so obvious. Unfortunately, we can't snap our fingers to make them snap out of it.

All we can do is to continue to enjoy life.

[Grace_O]

I too question whether my H is a WAS or MLC. Bottom line (for myself), is it doesn't matter.

What are my chances. Excellent. Excellent for what, well there's the rub. I guess realistically, I'd have to say my chances of a life full of happiness, joy and laughter.

I have to admit though, I'm a diehard. If there is one chance in a google, I'm there and I believe somehow this will all pan out.
Maybe there's no fool like an old fool, but the little voice in this old fool's mind tells me to hang in there. So, I do. Btw, I'm not a fool

I am also aware that I have the power to change my mind at any point.

I can't undo anything and I do feel better about myself with the changes I've made and continue to make.

So, all in all, I can't say this is wasted time (not even on my bad days).

When I think of some of the greatest works of art no matter what the medium or form (including lives of people we have never heard of), I think of the pain that created such works. Without pain, how would we know beauty and joy?

[sandycay]

Hi Kjensen,

I am thinking about moving from piecing to over here and start posting more but honestly, your post and mine are almost the same.


I am not sure if he is MLC or if he really is not in love with anymore as his statements are ringing of a sounder minds these days. It's tough to watch him hurt and it's tough for him to watch me hurt. He feels he should let me go to be fair to me... sigh.....

My love tanks are empty too and he sees that and feels bad about it but has "tried" to get "it" back over the last year and a half. But he can't and he doesn't know what to do about that.

[kjensen]

Hi Sandycay,

I think the piecing is hard and although I think my H is trying some, he's still "in the tunnel" so-to-speak. So-I'm not sure I'm really ready for the piecing forum yet.

My H isn't sure of anything right now, this morning he said "I've got to get off all these pills(meaning prozac). I don't know who I am or what I feel anymore.." I'm worried he actually will stop his antidepressant prematurely as I know he still in a depression. I think what he's expressing is what alot of MLCers feel(without medication!).

Last night H did ask if I wanted to take the quiz in the 5 Languages of Love book, so we did. We both need words of affirmation...I feel like that's all I do with H, but obviously he isn't feeling it...

Its hard watching our spouses in pain, not knowing how to get themselves in a better place. As much as we'd like to help/guide/suggest, we can't. I think for people like myself, people who "mother" or are caregivers..it's especially hard to let go and watch them fail/falter until they 'get it right'...I think that's one of my life lessons from all of this. I'm doing the same thing with my girls...

[kjensen]

Grace O
I'm with you on the one in a million chance. That's why I'm still here. My D12 asked me the other day why I just didn't get divorced from H and I said "Because I love him"...I guess thats it for now. Don't always like him, but for some reason still love him...

[trustingfaith]

Its hard watching our spouses in pain, not knowing how to get themselves in a better place. As much as we'd like to help/guide/suggest, we can't. I think for people like myself, people who "mother" or are caregivers..it's especially hard to let go and watch them fail/falter until they 'get it right'...I think that's one of my life lessons from all of this.

So true! I have seen in the past couple of days the very raw pain my H is dealing with and I feel helpless and my heart aches. But I know it is not mine to fix. And I too am learning that with my kids. Being able to face and deal with the smaller failures and tough kid things when they are younger will help them immensely as adults - help and support but we can't always fix.

You and Grace stating that you are there for the one in a million shot is encouraging for me to hear . . .

[kjensen]

Journaling:

Last night things fell apart a bit...maybe just another bend on the rollercoaster ride.

H was bored and in kind of bad mood. H says he doesn't know how to live with me. I asked him what he meant. He said there isn't anything to talk about...he doesn't like the new townhome... I (stupidly) shared that when H says things like that I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall and think he'll leave again...H said if I felt that way then maybe he should leave b/c he'll never convince me that he won't... I said there are things he could do that would help(like not threatening to leave!)...

So I did a 180 and asked H if he'd like some tea and he said 'that would be nice".. I gave him some tea and a small note thanking him(words of affirmation) for a few things he'd done lately. H saw the note and flipped out(before reading it).

I left and went upstairs. When H came up later he offered to show me some exercises I'd asked him about and he basically acted like nothing had happened. He got close later...

So, I guess my 180 worked. Maybe no notes next time(not sure why they trigger a negative response in H. I'm hoping today is a better day.

[sandycay]

Hi K

Wow, the cycling is worrisome isn't it? It's like they are begging you to put them out of their misery by you pulling the plug for them on the marriage.

The ironic thing is when my H was out of the house he was still miserable of course it was because of XY and Z,. I wish my H would take prozac or something and I wish he would do C but he won't right now. We di

d it when he first came back but realistically, I don't really need it, Our marriage wouldn't need it, HE needs it. He needs to be all by himself and get C but he won't.

I try to stay busy and active in the evenings so there is not much down time for the silence. I have in the past pulled out backgammon or invited the kidlets in a game or something... that seems to help at times.

I think we both need to stop engaging in conversations regarding R with our H and let then stew about in their own mess. I am not asking my H "what's wrong" anymore. If he wants to tell me he will.... But I think ususally it just goes away and he works out on his own if I am patient enough.

Now.. about that other shoe... you and me both girl!

[Grace_O]

kjensen,

I know you're waiting on that other shoe (you're not alone there), and it's tough.

When I find myself going there, I look at all the positives (ok, maybe not so many in my case, but they are there). I do this so that I'm not telgraphing to him the negative stuff that comew with waiting for the shoe to drop.

The tea was a good move. If he's bored, is there something he or you both like to do that might get you out of the house once ot twice a week? Maybe dancing? Even if he finds something that suits him then maybe he more positive when he's home.

Do you guys like to read? Reading to each other or even just the same books and talking about them...

His reaction to the note is interesting. In the past what kinds of things have you given him notes about? Did it tend to be negative stuff that you would have had difficulty talking to him about? Or maybe lovey dovey stuff? Either way, it might give you a clue to his reaction.

HUGS