Still in the tunnel with hubby

[kjensen]

Hi Chel- Thanks for the post. I think (and H has stated on his own) that my H has his good days and bad. These have the most to do with his depression. I think my H might believe deep down that I am or our marriage is the cause of his depression b/c he doesn't understand that depression is an illness(and it runs in his family)-sometimes related to the chemical imbalance in our brains, sometimes related to our not processing through important emotions or phases in our lives... if he continues in this belief then I know he will ask for a divorce again and that will be that.

If you've followed my situation you'll see I've had trouble reconciling tradition marital therapy with DBing and am trying to find a happy middle-ground. In therapy, H actually agrees with the therapist on things to try(planning a date every other week, alternating with me planning a date every other week in order to have "fun") but if we hit a snag, that intention goes away.

I agree that focusing more on me and getting out there and living is and has been very important for my mental well-being. I still do think I walk on eggshells too much as a habit to avoid H's anger(my own issue). I'm striving to speak my mind and have an opinion of my own rather than be a "pleaser".

My Dad also had an affair when I was 9(and I think he even took me along on a date when my mother was working out-of-town)..and I find it wildly(and sadly) interesting that I've married a man with a quick temper(like my Dad) who has cheated on me. My parents divorced when I was about to start college after several years of separation and it was a bitter drawn-out divorce..something I absolutely wish to avoid in my own life.

I have hope that H will come through this MLC. He has his lucid, fog-free moments periodically and I can see the man I love in there struggling. We ML almost every night which is very different from our previous marital pattern...but I do like the closeness that I at least feel from it, even if H says sometimes he still feels disconnected.

I guess my goal is to detach as well, more consistently, and not get sucked into the drama that erupts periodically from H acting like a teen/child. I needed to do that very much last weekend but thankfully things worked themselves out..

This is so important because you absolutely have to love yourself first before you have enough to give someone else.

I think this applies to our husbands as well and it may be that right now they don't know who they are and really don't love themselves and therefore can't love us.

Post anytime- I love to hear others' perspectives and similarities and advice.

[D Money]

K,
You need to do something for yourself. It sounds like your H's down days are bringing you down as well. Please keep in mind your H is going to cycle through his emotions and how he feels about you for some time.

I think I am beginning this roller coaster ride with my wife. Wish me luck.

[kjensen]

Thanks D. Good advice. So I'm finding it hard to detach and remain reaction-less...I did take D12 to a movie Saturday night and left H behind in bed watching football...She and I had a great time.

Journaling/Venting:

H and I are supposed to take the other on a date -alternating who sets up the date each week. Last weekend was the first date and that didn't happen because of our blow-up..This weekend didn't happen b/c H was sick. I told H I had an idea for a date if he didn't since I wasn't sure whose week it would be... H looked surprised and said he hadn't really thought about it. Needless to say, no date happened. I'm not going to bring it up again. I haven't brought up our "talk days" either and they aren't happening...so much for marriage counseling.

I know H is in MLC but we're also in marriage counseling and when H says to our therapist, sincerely, that he's interested in doing these 'homework' assignments then later fogets about them..this makes me feel like I'm the only one really trying, which I think I am..and then I get down and start thinking "why bother"...

I think I'm just tired and maybe burned out a bit by doing all of the work, so to speak, in this relationship and getting nothing in return. Keeping a positive attitude in the face of chronic criticism/apathy is wearing me down. Has anyone else come up with a strategy to avoid 'burn out'?

[Storm Rider]

Best thing I have found to avoid burn out is to look for the fun in each day and have No Expectations for what H will do. That way I am less likely to be disapointed.

I also have several things I do if I have a bad day, walk with kids before dinner, stuff I enjoy to try to strinf together a few good days for me. Then I can step back and try to look for a better place. Also, sometimes just trying to get the next day just a little better than the last helps me.

[kjensen]

Thanks Storm Rider..just needed some quick pick-me-up ideas since I'm running out of steam. Unfortunately instead of No Expectaions I seem to have a case of expecting the worst...

[Grace_O]

kjensen,


Putting your M back together it isn't going to happen the way you envision it. It won't be all romantic etc.

How about a spontaneous "date"? You plan it out and make sure he has the day off, then just say, "Hey <wink, wink> how about you and me...."

Don't fall into negative thinking about "I'm doing all the work". First off, yeah you are. If it isn't worth it to you, you do have a choice.

I think I'm just tired and maybe burned out a bit by doing all of the work, so to speak, in this relationship and getting nothing in return.

How about reframing this? Can you spin it for yourself so that what you're getting is a chance to piece you M back together?

I have a book that's been helpful for me "how to improve your marriage without talking about it".

I'm not in the same place as you, but it can't hurt, might help.

The other thing I do, is anything physical. Takes the edge off.

Hang in there.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Hi Grace,

I don't have any illusions about a romantic reunion with H. I was acutally just looking forward to doing something, anything fun with H to build back up the good feelings that are dwindling between us. My love tank is below empty...!

I agree I was having a pity party this morning. I need to focus on me and building me back up a bit.

I have the book you mentionned but haven't read it since January when H left, so maybe its worth a re-read. Physical is good. didn't work out this weekend since the weather here was bitter cold..will try to be more consistent with that as I've gotten a bit lax/lazy!

Thanks for the encouragement and good advice.

H leaves for a business-type trip Sunday until next Wednesday. This'll be the first time apart since he moved home. I'm actually looking forward to not having to deal with his moods and I'm hoping somewhere along the way he might even miss me... I guess we'll see.

[Grace_O]

It's hard. There ain't no two ways about it. We all get down. It's gets tiring and lonely feeling like we're doing everything.


If I'd known it was a party, I'd have dressed nicer

HUGS

[kjensen]

LOL! I knew it was hard reading everyone's posting, but living it day in and day out is exhausting. I think the fact that my H doesn't sleep well-usually wakes up at 2am for a few hours every night, which wakes me up..makes it even harder. H didn't have this insomnia until the financial market collapsed (9-10/08) and that's when his EA started...and the insomnia. I could just snuggle in bed and sleep for a few days, if there was time!

Such a great party- I think we need better entertainment! and better beverages! Oh, maybe it should be a slumber party!

[Grace_O]

Sleep deprivation doesn't help, that's for sure.

Reading it and living it are sooo different. It took my H moving out for me to stop walking on eggshells. What I learned in the process is the difference (for me) between being considerate and being a pleaser (I tend towards the latter).

The good thing about this bb is you come here and take all your frustrations out. You can have a hissy fit and whine (I like cheese with my whine ) and we all get it.

Ooh! I like slumber parties. Problem is I'd probably sleep