Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

hi courts0818,

I've been at this since March last year. Prior to this current thread, I had an earlier thread where I was totally lost as to what to do. I think in both our cases, it's not so much that Men and Women feel the same, it's that those of us who are fighting for our M feels the same. We feel the same passion, we do all the same reading and all the same conclusions of how easy it is to fix our sitches.

Unfortunately our spouses who are in MLC or whatever refuse to look inward and rather blame outside forces for their unhappiness. Namely us, the LBS because we are the ones right in front of them. I mean, we are the ones who are there on the frontlines, so we must be the reason why they are unhappy right?

Total hogwash.

I think your sitch is much easier than mine in terms of detaching because your H is not there. Mine is home and we sleep together, etc., but mentally and emotionally she is just not there. It tends to wear you down after awhile. I've been trying to not let it get to me and that's what I'm struggling with.

Our MLC spouse will constantly cycle from positive to negative and it's hard to not get dragged along with them sometimes. What have you done to GAL? Have you gone out with other men or with friends? Have you improved your looks, etc. Does he have OW? Have you shown how you have moved on? I'll try to catch up on your thread.

This board is great in terms of support and I learn new things every day.

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck,

As I'm sure you've heard, believe nothing they say and only half what they do. So what if she's said she wants a divorce? My h and I argued settlement and child support and he vowed "a war" at one point. La dee dah...not that it didn't infuriate me, but knowledge is power. I KNEW legally I'd be fine and I just decided that was about as good as it was going to get. Easier to turn it over. Most men do financially better than their ex wives, btw.
IN THE LONG RUN...but it hurts both at the outset and usually is a devastating blow to the unmarried woman if she lacks good money making, marketable skills. Don't recall your w's sitch on that. But when she thinks this through some of the shine may be worn down... But again, forget what she says about the OM if he's still around or whatever he is AND stop the R talk or cornering her. I think you "know" all this. Now you need to "do" it. Follow through.

She may think she wants a div. She's looking at all the negatives of M and all the positives, SHE thinks exist, about div. You actually need to do 2 things:

First, counter her negatives by being a happy upbeat guy (who could not possibly cause anyone else unhappiness cuz he's so darn happy himself and loving and caring and funny, and interesting, etc....) which makes HER DATA, wrong, or out of date due to the new you and hey, M to you "now" would be diff and better due to the changes she'll see, over time....

and 2) start envisioning the positives of being single for YOU...just for now.

Trust me Stuck, you can choose to love her again, fully, down the road. If you begin to see the upside to being out of this pain, and maybe with someone who is normal OR just not with a miserable spouse, THEN you'll radiate that sense of peace, and she will start to wonder wth she's doing. I'm telling you that when I saw h seeming to accept "singledom" it did make me see more of his value as a catch. So I began the same thing and got a sense of peace within and he started to notice and the rest is history.

This is her choice for now so it's HER loss. What choice do you have anyhow? As the prior poster said, it's really what you have to do.

(( J ))

[MrBond]

Thanks 25yearsmlc.

Well today she told me she was moving out again to her sister's place. I'm actually feeling pretty good. I just wish my kids are going to be okay. I'm going to miss them alot. But I have alot of things planned for me to go out and do for myself.

Go out with friends, medidate, etc. I'm almost looking forward to it. I've read enough about compassion to recognize that she needs the space. Well we'll see if she actually does it.

[25yearsmlc]

oh stuck...


I know this hurts and sucks but you are doing EXACTLY what you should be doing. Um, and your other options are what anyhow? Curling up in the fetal position? ---super fun and super attractive...Scream and yell at her and show her ALL your pain and anger?? ALso super fun for you and super attractive AND super effective...

It all goes back to your present path...detaching, GAL for you.

Honestly looking at the bright side, as sappy as it sounds, IS A GOOD thing to do. Beats the alternatives and you are being watched by the kids. Remember that. Someday they'll face their own "poop" and you need to show them that your pain is deep BUT not fatal, and it is NOT eternal. We all get hurt but those of us who are strong and willing ALSO HEAL....show them that this is so...make it so for you.

Sending hugs your way, big time. Now go GAL and get out of her blast zone... Step back, get some popcorn and watch the MLC/WAS/WTH? (my new name for whatever this poop is) from the sidelines as the parade goes by.

This too, shall pass.
((( j )))

[courts0818]

Stuck,
Sorry to read that you wife is moving out again. But, it sounds like you have a great attitude. Although it's not going to be any sort of easy, it might make detaching just a teeny bit less painful - kinda like what you said in your post to me. Stay strong for youself and your sweet little girls.

And I agree - those of us that are fighting for our marriages really do experience the same feelings. It's not just a male/female thing, it's more of a LBS thing.

I don't think I will ever be able to understand how someone in a MLC or a WAS chooses not to own their unhappiness and acknowledge the pain they cause, but whatever. I'm not going to sit and waste my time and energy trying to figure that out.

To answer your quetions:
What have you done to GAL?
I have just gotten better at this. I joined a new mom's group and have just started doing things with them. When my H comes over on his scheduled days (Tues. & Thurs.), I try to look cute, be happy (or fake it!), smell good, and leave! I don't tell him what I'm doing or where I'm going. He doesn't ask and that makes me a little sad, but I don't show it. I also signed up to take a class at the hospital I work for - it starts at the end of October. Hum...I also volunteer at church. And I am going to visit my BFF in New York in 2 weeks. Now that is BIG for me. That is a major 180/GAL for me.

Have you gone out with other men or with friends?
Not much, I do need to get out a litte more with my girlfriends. I LOVE doing the play dates with my DD, but I should make more plans for just me and my friends - some true adult time. Again, that trip to NY is a huge step for me.
I have not gone out with any men (I'm guessing you mean dating). Even though we've been seperated for a year - I just can't do that. It goes against my morals. I know others do it and it works for them, it just doesn't feel right for me.

Have you improved your looks?
Hum...well, I haven't had any cosmetic surgery. : ) lol...
But, I've kept up with my looks (I think). I'm in shape, try to look nice when H comes around, I'm active, eat right, try to keep a cute hair style and every once in a while add a little something new to wear.

Does he have OW?
This, IDK. He says no, but I don't trust him. I've tried and tried to find out. In fact, I spent many, many months playing the role of a private investigator - looking into his accounts, opening his mail, putting a voice recorder in his car, putting a GPS on his car, seeking info from his boss, showing up at his "home". The reason I stopped searching for info is bc it was tearing me apart and consuming my life. There was no way for me to detach while spying on him. I was able to see his cell phone records and I did find a number with TONS of calls. When I asked him, he got defensive and told me he had lots of girls (as friends) that he talks to. I got the number, called it, did an interent search to find out who it was, etc...
That's all I know and I stopped bringing it up bc I wasn't getting any info from him (or her - she would not talk or say her name) - it was getting me FURIOUS and I would end up screaming at H. The number was eating away at me. So what do I do about it?

Have you shown how you have moved on?
Well...I'm working on this one too. For the last 3 weeks, I have stopped contacting H. I don't text him to check in, see what he's doing, send pics of DD, jokes or anything else. I do not contact him unless it directly involves our DD (like asking if he can watch her). I don't snoop, spy or question him. I don't ask what his plans are, what he's doing or anything like that. I try to be mysterious (like leaving on Tues. & Thurs.), if he sends me a text that isn't about our DD, I take a few hrs to reply (if I reply at all). And I do not say one word about our R or our future. I try to make more plans for myself (most of them are still mommy/daugther things, but I'm working on it). And this week I have really been happy and cheery around him - more like the fun girl he fell in love with. It's hard for me to be nice and cheery bc I'm so angry, but I'm really giving it my best shot. And finally, one of his complaints about me is that I have too many rules - so I no longer say anything about his parenting (why he is letting DD have juice with dinner, instead of milk and so on) or anything like that).

I am a work in progress, but I am trying. Since we are sadly approaching the 1 yr mark of his moving out, I just had to some diffeent things. I welcome suggestions of other things I can do to show him I'm moving on and GAL. That has been very hard for me.

Anway, keep your head up. You sound like you are doing pretty well. How has your weekend been?

[25yearsmlc]

Hey court,

sorry you are here...I will just say that a big regret I have is how much time I wasted trying to understand my h's choices back then. As you see by the signature, we are together yet there were still moments I wanted to say "WTH were you thinking?"

but I stopped b/c I don't think the WAS knows or if they do, that can and does change anyhow. Whether it's a MLC or a WAS is also not that important. We lbs'ers think it is b/c we think it's better to have a MLC since we assume there's a higher chance of recon but I have no data about that. And our behavioral paths are the same, we have to GAL and move on and thereby increase the chance of a recon and in the event that no recon takes place...we are better off that much sooner.

Asking unanswerable questions took a lot of energy I could've spent on my GAL activities and would have also improved my behavior around H, since I then blamed him for my own preoccupations with him and our sitch, and again, slowing my own progress...which is not attractive to them either. The more we ask, the more they defend, and the more difficult it is for them to imagine us ever getting past what they've done...and therefore the harder it is for them to imagine us forgiving, moving on, or being together.

Hope this makes sense... Sorry for the hijack Stuck!
good luck,

(( j ))

[courts0818]

25years,
Yes it makes sense! Thank you.
(Sorry for taking over Stuck. I'll be brief.)

First, congrats on busting your divorce! I mean it...I know it was probably one of the most difficult things you've ever been through.

It's pretty sad that it has taken me an entire year to finally decide to stop questioning him and focus on myself. IDK why it took that long - I guess I was just completely confused, devastated, stressed, overwhelmed and so on. I ached not just for myself, but also for our sweet, innocent daughter. But the truth is - I have to get out and do things and have some fun. I cannot sit in our home and sulk and feel miserable. I did that for much too long. It's not good for me or our DD.

Plenty of days are still hard, but I really am putting forth an effort. I've actually been pretty upbeat this week and spent a good amout of time doing fun things.

I'm going to keep reading posts, learning more and GAL. I'm so thankful for what I'm learning here and for the support.

[MrBond]

Thanks again 25yearsMLC,

Well after her mini-bomb on Saturday, that night we had a fairly good time with the family. Sunday rolled around and she was Mrs. Clean. She cleaned out her old clothes and the kids clothes. She also did the laundry and folded my clothes which I was surprised about. She is actually pretty pleasant.

She hasn't brought up leaving again and put away all her clothes as if she wasn't leaving. Strange. Anyway I was busy with work all Sunday, and she kept coming in to ask if I needed anything which was a change too.

I'm actually looking forward to her leaving. I think that's the only way she's going to hit rock bottom or see what she's missing out on. In the meantime, I do have some plans to go out with other members of the female persuasion as friends.

When we were looking at Facebook the other night, she saw a picture of me with another woman and mentioned that she seemed to be a good fit for a friend of ours. I think I need to get my mojo back for her to start seeing me as a prize again.

The mood in the house has been pretty light and happy. We'll see what happens when I get back home tonight.

[sandi2]

Yes.....you want her to see you as the prize!

You sound good, Stuck.

[MrBond]

Thanks sandi/MOM.

I still get the butterflies thinking about her leaving. But I'm trying my hardest not to think about it. Any other words of advice?