Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[orangedog]

Yeah "Stuck" is a tough one for a name but "808" is a great area code.

[MrBond]

Yeah actually she confirmed yesterday that she was leaving this weekend. It's strange the dynamic of her leaving this time. She seems pretty sad and it looks likes she's feeling she 'has' to do this or else she'd always live with regret.

Me, on the other hand, I was quite happy and calm. I have a list of things I wanted to do when the kids are away. Alot of personal growth stuff like getting into meditation, reading, etc. So it'll be fun.

Right now I think I'm going to ask her for a split of Sun-Tues for me and Wed - Fri for her with alternating Saturdays.

I don't know why but I honestly have this feeling that things are going to work out between us. Even though she's leaving, I feel like at some point we are going to end up together after she's done her share of growing. Even if it means going out with someone else for awhile.

Of course I'm still standing for my M, but I've come to that compassionate understanding that I can see things from her POV. Weird.

[courts0818]

Hi Stuck,
You really get great advice on here. : ) There is so much to learn from those who have been there/done that and from those who are also fighting to keep their marriages together.

Like others, I agree that you should change up the house to fit YOUR needs and wants. Do what makes YOU feel comfortable. If YOUR master bedroom is filled with flowers or anything girly, you should "man it up." You need a place to chill and be comfortable. I don't know what you like, but I think it's a good idea to incorporate more of your style and your likes. Are there pictures up of you and your W? Last Thanksgiving when my H blew me off, I took down every picture of him and I.

It's so sad that your W, my H and all of the other walk aways don't realize that we aren't going to wait forever. You know you've been overly patient and tried everything you could to make this work. I'm not sure how often it happens, but how sad that by the time some walk aways decide they want their spouses back it's just too late. Too much time, pain, resentment and every other negative emotion has taken place. I hope your W wakes up before it's too late.

You know your situation best and only you know if you are comfortable dating. I guess you just have to listen to your heart on that one. Do I think it would get your W's attention...yes. Is it going to hurt or help - that IDK. What do you think? What do you think she would say/do/feel if she found out you were dating? You know it works for some.

As for me, I have not dated and I don't plan on it. It doesn't feel right for me. Even though we are separated and he's not living here, I don't want to date. But...I do not mind giving my H the impression that there could be someone else. Does he ever wonder if I am seeing someone? IDK...he throws a comment or two out there every once in awhile that makes me think maybe so. But then again, he seems to think and look through a heavy fog so I never really know what he's thinking.

My guess is that all the cleaning is a woman thing. I get in those modes too. Maybe she feels like she's getting things all ready and in order for you and your daughters. On one hand it sounds really irrational (as if cleaning is really going to help this situation at all), but on the other hand, she might feel like she's getting things prepared - or that's her rationale anyway. Kinda of like spring cleaning - you sort of feel like you are getting things organzied and prepared and all set to go.

[courts0818]

Well, what the heck? I tried to submit my previous post before you just updated, but it froze up. Whacky...

Anyway, just read your latest - I feel bad that your W seems so down and feels like she has to go. How do they get to the point when every choice they make is so clouded by an unrealisitc fog? I'm not making excuses for her bc I don't allow my H to get away with that same excuse. I just don't get. And it's sad that she doesn't feel better.

But the good news is - your attitude and outlook are great! The fact that you can see her POV is really big. IMO that is a major step forward and leaps and bounds in the right direction to your own happiness. I'm moving forward to - I still don't see my H's POV...but I'm slowly getting there.

Sounds like you are really detaching, but still standing for your marriage. Good job. : )

[confusedinpa]

Anyone else's spouse turned into Mrs. Clean before they said they were leaving?

Stuck,

Probably I'm not the someone who can offer much here but my WAW did exactly the same thing - she washed and cleaned everything from the stove, fridge, floors, bathrooms and did every piece of laundry there was before she left. I didn't know if it was nervous energy, guilt or thought it was her way to help me by not leaving a mess.

Either way, she did do the super cleaning thing before she left.

Best of luck to you bro

[sandi2]

I thought of something else, Stuck. This is making a statement that you are moving forward in your life "as if" she was no longer a part of it. Make some new pictures of you and the girls ASAP. Then take down all pictures that have your W in them. Don't have any little "keepsakes" (out in the open) that hold a special memory of your M. It is like you have wiped her completely out of your life. May sound a little harsh....but it is for a good cause. Just like turning your home into a man cave......will hit her....seeing pictures of you and the girls WITHOUT HER will shock her. I know that you aren't suppose to do things just to get a reaction from her....but I think she needs to see for herself how your future could look without her in it. Just like you dating.......these pictures and the man-cave will make a statement that you are moving on!

I'm sure you have thought of this already, but I would suggest that you leave the girls' room just as it is. Well, I guess it will depend on whatever your W leaves there for them. I hope she will realize that your 6yr old would feel more stable if her room stayed the same....but do what you can.

I would not remove pictures of their mother from their rooms and in fact, I would make sure that there was a picture of her there. Just don't want to hurt them with that particular thing, you know what I mean.

The 2yr old is too young, of course, but with your 6yr old, you might include her on some of the minor changes around the house so it won't be like a big shock when she first sees it after W moves out. She will feel like she had a part in helping daddy decorate the house and she'll like that. I know you are going to make their time with you very special. Not that it matters or not, but I'll bet that 6yr old will be talking plenty about what all they do when they are with daddy!

Once your W is actually out of the house, then you may even feel somewhat free in a way. I bet your mind will be able to focus on GAL more. You deserve it.

[chatterbug]

Anyone else's spouse turned into Mrs. Clean before they said they were leaving?

Stuck,

Probably I'm not the someone who can offer much here but my WAW did exactly the same thing - she washed and cleaned everything from the stove, fridge, floors, bathrooms and did every piece of laundry there was before she left. I didn't know if it was nervous energy, guilt or thought it was her way to help me by not leaving a mess.

Either way, she did do the super cleaning thing before she left.

Best of luck to you bro

Not mine. Went the other way. I think it was a test to see how much she could tick me off.

[sandi2]

Just letting you know that I'm thinking about your this weekend, ((Stuck)).

[25yearsmlc]

Stuck,

YOU sound healthy and I don't think your relatively unusual attitude, the 'faith that this could work out' is all for naught. Sometimes we have to trust ourselves and hey, if you are wrong, so what? You are still moving forward & that counts a lot.

Keep up the wonderful HARD work...

(( j ))

[MrBond]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.

Well, she moved out on Sunday. Over the weekend we had fun with the kids. Sunday I told her I wanted to make a special dinner for her and the kids helped me buy the ingredients.

So we spent the day together Saturday, Sunday we went to see Where the Wild Things Are (of course the kid's parents are D) and she came over to have dinner. She left soon after.

I could tell she was getting distant again. Needless to say, the kids were devastated, so I took the remaining night reading them stories.

I have to say, I was much more "in control" than I was in the past. She gave me a preliminary custody agreement that gave us split the kids Monday-Tuesday one parent and Wed. - Thurs. the other with Fri-Sunday alternating. I laughed at that and said she must've been kidding since that only gave one of us 2 days with them. So I recommended Sun-Tues. (me) Wed.-Fri (her) alternating Saturday. We agreed to try it out.

It's so sad that we have to treat our kids like "property" and not human beings. I took off Monday and Tuesday to give them support. Throughout the day, I would call her to let her know what was going on. I did have a talk with her saying that she should be the one calling the kids to see how they were doing rather than me doing so. At least to show them that she cares. Right now they feel a little abandoned.

I sent her an email today saying that she should get more involved with them. And that it seemed like when she doesn't have them, she doesn't ask about them. Kind of like once they're away from her, they aren't her responsibility any more. Total compartmentalization.

When it comes to NC, she's one of the best. She won't call unless I do.

I'm really going to miss the kids tonight. It is tough going home to an empty house. I think I'll head over to the Borders to get some meditation CDs to help relax. As a whole I'm feeling pretty good. I might stop by the gym too.