Still in the tunnel with hubby

[Grace_O]

I still have my moments of wacky insecurity.

what's that? <beating head on the desk>.

At least you hear from him. You have more power than you know.

[kjensen]

I am grateful he's home now. I'm grateful we talk and sometimes he initiates contact. I know I'm at a place with H that I hoped for all last winter/spring and couldn't imagine happening. I still am not sure we will make it, but I have hope.

[Grace_O]

Hope is always a great thing to have.

See what having it got you?

[kjensen]

Thanks Grace. You are right, hope is a good thing to have and its hard to keep sometimes.

H is on his way home from the airport. D14 said this morning that she missed Dad but enjoyed he time with him away(b/c I spoiled the girls and myself a bit). H actually texted me that he missed me, which was surprising and nice. I reciprocated.

I'm sure life will feel a bit more stressful with H home, but I am really going to try NOT to walk on eggshells, to be clear in my communication and have no expectations. Those are things I haven't been very consistent with lately and I'm going to focus more on.

[kjensen]

H is home and first few hours were rocky. H went to work and came home in better spirits-said he had a hard time with transitions. Moods are up and down pretty quickly.

Things were pretty darn good Wednesday and so-so yesterday. Last night H said he doesn't want to see our therapist(today) and doesn't think he's helping us. He doesn't want to go on dates with me(but is getting together with his cousin tonight to drink beer). I just try(but don't always succeed) to listen. My opinion is that the therapy would would much better if H would just follow some of the advice/homework..

Funny thing is the DB lessons still apply so very much through all of this. When H was gone, I tackled some of the things he'd complained about(shoes in the garage, bathroom soaps running on empty)-stupid stuff...but H dings me for the improvements I did-hates the shoe organizer I bought and the fact that I spent money on soap! No winning here..No pleasing.

The more dinging, the more I find it easier to detach. I find myself enjoying time when H is away. Its hard to live with him at this stage. I'm tired of being criticized!

[Chel]

k,

Your roller coaster ride is not ending anytime soon and to-date you have done an amazing job of doing absolutely everything you can. I/we understand how it hurts to show kindness and be supportive and to be rebuffed...that is something that really is personal and takes a toll on your mental state.

A very thorough and detailed website you might want to give a [e-mail]

Chin up, and don't forget take care of you and girls first and foremost, your well being is so important.

Michele
H 41
M 42
M 16 yrs.
Together 23 yrs.
Bomb 5/16/09
D papers half complete

[kjensen]

Thanks Chel.

More drama in our lives. This morning at 2AM D14 calls me from her cell phone. I'm thinking she's down the hall in bed. She's not. She's at a lake/park that's a 15 minute walk from our house. I arrive to pick her up not knowing what the hell is going on and there are two cops, righting citations to D14 and her best guy friend(at least thats all I think he is). They are cited for curfew violations.

This is not the D14 I know. She is a straight-A, hard-working kid who NEVER gets in trouble. She said she needed to talk last night to her guy friend and they met at the park. She snuck out, without a coat( it was 40 degrees and drizzling) at midnight. She said she didn't want to cut her wrists...She's depressed. She hates school(just started High school and is in all advanced classes and marching band) and hates our new townhome. She doesn't fit in anywhere...

My heart is aching for her and we will get her help. My H has been touchy since this happened and the unstated thing I believe that is going through his mind is that it was a mistake to move home, it is a mistake to keep trying at this marriage. He's made a few comments since this morning that have given me this idea so its not out of left field.

H and I just signed up for an all-day refresher communication class an hour from where we live. I was surprised H didn't see the distance we'd have to travel as a reason for not going even though our MC recommended we do this before our next session.

So I'd love input from other parents of teens regarding how separation or reconciliation affected their children. I know this journey is so hard for s who stand, and its hard on our children...

[D Money]

I don't have any advice for you, K, just prayers.

Take care

[Grace_O]

Hey K,

I have two teenage D's (17 and 14), and I understand how difficult this is for you.

The positive is that she has a friend she can talk to. Sneaking out, not great, but you didn't mention any substances they were caught with. This could have been much worse.

One big thing I want to remind you of, this could be happening regardless of what happened between your H and you. It doesn't matter if it's probably a factor or not. Why? The minute it becomes about the separation/reconciliation, blame is placed. Even if your D says this is why she is behaving differently. Help her with better choices and if she's willing to see a C, great.

I have one D that went into crisis mode (self destruction), she see's a C once a week now. It's helping.

I leave it to the C to talk to her about H and me and how my D feels about all of this b/c in my case my D shut down and wouldn't talk to me about it and would hardly talk to H at all. As appropriate the C invites me or H in and we discuss things with them.

As much as you can reassure them that none of this is their fault and that you love them.

I use books and movies to bring up topics that can be tough to talk about. We dicuss themes in relation to the characters, seems to be easier for my D's to make it about somebody else.

It's a tough process. My other D won't say anything about it...period. In some ways this is scarier b/c I see her as feeling inadequate. That's the worst.

Be open if they do talk and use reflective listening as much as possible.

It gets better.

HUGS

[kjensen]

Thanks for the prayers D! And thanks for sharing your experiences Grace! Neither my D14 or her friend were using anything(drugs/alcohol). They are both good kids who didn't make the smartest choice and didn't know there was a curfew they were breaking. My H and I sat down with D14 and let her tell us what happened and H did most of the questionning and I have to say he remained calm and carig through the whole thing, which I know wasn't easy.

At first yesterday H pulled away and didn't go with the rest of us to D14's choir pancake breakfast fundraiser-she and her guy friend had to work it for the morning. H didn't want to go and pick D14 up afterwards so I did it alone. He pulled it together when we sat D14 down for some talking.

So in some respects I feel like H sees us more as a family unit, he's been more attentive to the girls since this happened and pulling a bit more weight shuttling them around. Not sure how long this will last, but for now its a nice development.