IMHO, print these out to take with you. Call your C ahead of time and let him/her know that this is coming. Tell your C what YOU want and need - point blank level with the C.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
11 months with no change. Thats tough for anyone. How many people would have just walked. Express yourself and if she doen't like what she's hearing tough. I'm resolute, not angry not frustrated, this is how I feel.
Good luck!
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
I agree with the others. It's time for you to stand up for you. Bring the list. Whether she is there or not. If she is there, read it off the list dispassionately. But don't allow your stuff to be rolled over or ignored. Also, don't display anger in any kind of violent way.
So how does all of this reconcile with - Listen - Validate - Focus on your own issues
Listen - you are listening very well now things are distressing you, you are listening to yourself instead of stuffing it.
Validate - you now understand and have been using the concept and you are recognising your wife doesn't understand how to validate.
Focus on your own issues - you are now emotionally healthy (from doing the work) enough to be assertive and stand up for you own feelings, needs and wants. This is your issue.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Divorcebusting is not the same as building a relationship. It is just stopping or slowing the divorce. What you are trying to do is build the relationship to a happier place.
First, I would let her come to the counseling session.
Second, I don't know about everyone's advice here. I thought you can only change yourself, you can't change others. If you just want the counseling session to be about her, she's going to feel like you set a trap for her.
I've gone back and forth on my wife. If I love her unconditionally, for all of her faults, then that means doing things with no expectation of getting something in return.
It's up to her to show appreciation. If she is incapable of that then it's up to you to decide if that's the life you want to live.
That's a hard one to figure out because I'm like you, I think I can fix anything with enough effort. That isn't true with marriages.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I'm gonna throw down in agreement with Coach and Dia on this one.
She wants to come to YOUR counseling session? Fine. Then it's about YOUR agenda. I wonder if you have EVER gotten to run through that whole list of hurts without being constantly interrupted and shut down. If you have a counselor who will have your back on this .... I think it's time. Yes, the list is about your emotions, but her involvement emerges quite clearly.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
That's a hard one to figure out because I'm like you, I think I can fix anything with enough effort. That isn't true with marriages.
Reminds me of a quote from 'The Red Green Show', "If it ain't broke, you're not trying hard enough."
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
