Boundaries

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'd like to find the thread that the above quote re: putting friendship ahead of spouse came from. I really need to set a boundary that let's my wife know that her friendship with the same person that she had an PA with cannot continue if she expects me to do ANYTHING more for her. She left 2.5 weeks ago and is living with a friend. Although she claims that the physical incident only happened once, and they have been simply friends since that time, I don't feel that I can ever completely trust (you) until (you) cut(s) off all contact with him...particularly after I found out (you)(were) still secretly in contact with him months after I found out (you) had sex and I had asked (you) both to discontinue any contact.

This is one of many boundaries that I need to enforce, with the issue of my continued financial support coming right behind it. I don't know if I should use the cutoff of all financial assistance as the consequences of her decision to choose contact with OM over our marriage/R or not.

You've answered your own question.

[Ready2Change]

Just bought this book Boundaries by Henry Cloud . Looks good.

It is very good book:

Boundaries define my soul and help me guard it and maintain it. Knowing what I am responsible for gives me freedom and happiness. Good boundaries keep good in and bad out.

[Coach]

I doubt you will, but I highly recommend you go get the "Boundaries in Marriage" book by Cloud and Townsend, Christian authors. You can even get an audio version if you don't want to read it!

In short, if you establish boundaries, a person's initial reaction may be to pull away or get hostile, because you just changed the rules on them and they are thrown off...

If they value your relationship, it doesn't take too long for them to get on board.

If they continue to be hostile and pull away, then you figured out they don't value your relationship. Not just spouses, but friends, family members, etc etc...

The regular "Boundaries" book is great, too, more general. In the end it says that healthy boundaries help you realize which people in your life are there for the right reasons and which people are not good for you...

BINGO.

One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."

Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.

Puppy

[praying_in_GA]

I love this!! It is a good thread for anyone no matter where they are in life. It is a good thing to learn not just for communicating with your H or W but also the entire family!!

I do think it is a learned skill though. Like PTD pointed out, it is often more about how and what you say rather than the point you are trying to make.

GREAT timing here by the way!!

[Ready2Change]

I agree, this is a very good thread.

One of the points of boundaries is defining where my responsibilities ends. Once I determine that, it is easy to see where everyone else's responsibilities start.

Just asking my self the question "Who's responsibility is this?" is a great start.

I am responsible FOR me and TO others. Take care of me first, then I have more to give to others.

[Ready2Change]

I think this is a common misconception. Ultimatums are controlling behavior; boundaries are not.

An ultimatum is "Do XXX or YYY will happen." Controlling

A boundary is "I feel WWW when you do XXX. Because of that, if you do XXX then YYY will happen." Boundary because you explain your feelings; which should lead the other person to make an informed choice.

And YYY is OUR behavior.

[JCJ]

I'm still getting to grips with boundaries so I hope you will bear with me... I have a question. How do you maintain and/ or enforce your boundary?

A couple of pages ago on this thread I set a boundary with my husband. He continually suggested meeting up and then did not let me know what was happening in regards to plans in a timely manner and more often cancelled me at the last moment. To sum it up, I stated that this behaviour made me feel very frustrated and I could not see an instance in which we could meet under these conditions again.

He has emailed me regarding some other stuff and has asked to meet me again. Here are his words

'It would be really good to meet up, I want to hear all about what's happening at work. However I have more driving to do next week so I know next week is out. Perhaps the week after? I won't cancel on you, I promise.'

I don't know how to answer in a strong manner to maintain my boundary as I do not want to fall into old patterns again. This is the new strong me (who is finally divorcing him for adultery after 2 years and he should receive the papers next week) but he seems to respond better to the stronger me and I don't want to sound like sappy me again.

I wondered if anyone has any suggestions as to how I should reply.

Perhaps

'Hi, yes I could meet you, however I am very busy trying to squeeze everything in before I go away so let me know by the weekend before when and where you fancy meeting.'

Any help gratefully appreciated

[Ready2Change]

'Hi, yes I could meet you, however I am very busy trying to squeeze everything in before I go away so let me know by the weekend before when and where you fancy meeting.'

Hi, I will be at THIS LOCATION on THIS DATE. I will be getting coffee at starbucks at 5:00. Feel free to stop by.

Strong, confident, on YOUR terms. His consequence if he does not show up.

[Ready2Change]

I just had lunch with a friend. His partner of 12 years recently changed her behavior and has been going out to the bars and drinking. Long story short, he set a healthy boundary with her.

He gave her two choices: stop going to the bars and work on the R, or get out. She continued the unacceptable behavior, so he gathered all her things, put them in the garage. He changed the locks. She was shocked. She now has her own place.

[Ready2Change]

I got really mad but I thought BOUNDARIES. I looked him dead in the eye and I said, "that was disrespectful" and I left the room.

I feel this was a good boundary. You took action and removed yourself from an emotionally hurtful situation. Great job! You also channeled your anger into healthy action.