There's a definite "dance" aspect to this, that I think I failed to recognize (and act on), despite other people telling me to. There was simply too much resentment built up in me, both for my wife's near-20 years of sexual and affection distance, and for her affair two years ago. I knew I HAD to dance, but I was pissy and pouty and resentful and had a "oh, just F it" attitude.
The separation helped me to enjoy the dance again, and to learn how to pursue CORRECTLY. And it took (and I fear STILL takes) my wife fearing losing me to get HER to warm up and drop the veneer.
There's a lot more to it than that, but I just wanted to put that out there. We had lost being "Puppy" and "(Wife's first name)", and had become just "Mr. and Mrs. Puppy." The separate residence isn't a panacea, but it DOES help change the ROLES.
Just got a call from W. She had just hung up the phone with OM, who had sandbagged her with the call. She said she needed to talk to someone and I was the only one she could talk to. She said it started like this:
W: "Hello" OM: "Hi." W: "Uh hi." (didn't know who it was) OM: "Hi. It's me." W: "Ooohhh" OM: "Don't hang up." ...
Talking to me: W: "I wasn't going to hang up on him." M: "Well. You need to stop contact." W: "I didn't call him. He called me. I have not been returning his calls." M: "I understand. But this needs to stop for your benefit. Its upsetting you. What did he say." W: "He's upset. He's sad. This is so unncomfortable. I shouldn't be talking to you about this. But I don't have anyone else." M: "No. Thats OK. Its part of being open and honest with each other." W: "He had a life planned with me. Now its gone." (OK. I could have gone off on this one, but I didn't.) " He is devestated. He told me that he loves me and that he hopes I find peace. He said you are a lucky guy." M: "I know that." W: "I'm just sad. I don't know why I am crying." M: "I understand." W: "He just needs to find someone else. He will be OK." M: "Yes he will." <silence> M: "Mmmmm" W: "Its OK. You don't need to say anything. I just needed to vent." M: "Thank you. I'm listening." ...
Ouch. It is painful to hear how W hurts for OM. But I need to be the guy that is there for her. She is sad. Is there anything I can do for this? I know I need to coach her on what to do if it happens again, but now is not the time for that.
Any suggestions on what to do tonight? I am thinking of stopping by and getting a good comedy to watch together after the girls go to bed.
Ugh, I dunno. I'd always read where they're supposed to be able to talk to you about anything OTHER than "I miss OM!"
I think it's ok (necessary, in fact) for her to tell you about the CONTACT. And you handled it well. I just think she shouldn't be telling you she MISSES him, which this comes damned close to approaching.
One way I've seen it handled (Hope4Us has been really good with this) is to use it as an opportunity to talk about the consequences/dynamics/etc. of infidelity; validating, without enabling. So maybe something like:
"I hate to see you hurting, and I understand you feel partially responsible for his pain. This (notice I didn't say "but") is a consequence of him deciding to have an affair with a married woman, and he's just going to have to work thru it with his family" (or whatever)
I hate to see you hurting, and I understand you feel partially responsible for his pain. This (notice I didn't say "but") is a consequence of him deciding to have an affair with a married woman, and he's just going to have to work thru it with his family" (or whatever)
Stick that in your quiver.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"I hate to see you hurting, and I understand you feel partially responsible for his pain. This (notice I didn't say "but") is a consequence of him deciding to have an affair with a married woman, and he's just going to have to work thru it with his family" (or whatever)
I said something to the affect that when he engaged in this that people were going to be hurt. That he knew what he was getting himself into. I also told her to not let him make her feel guilty for her choices to stay with her family.
"I hate to see you hurting, and I understand you feel partially responsible for his pain. This (notice I didn't say "but") is a consequence of him deciding to have an affair with a married woman, and he's just going to have to work thru it with his family" (or whatever)
Puppy
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
"I hate to see you hurting, and I understand you feel partially responsible for his pain. This (notice I didn't say "but") is a consequence of him deciding to have an affair with a married woman, and he's just going to have to work thru it with his family" (or whatever)
I said something to the affect that when he engaged in this that people were going to be hurt. That he knew what he was getting himself into. I also told her to not let him make her feel guilty for her choices to stay with her family.
I hate to see you hurting, and I understand you feel partially responsible for his pain. This (notice I didn't say "but") is a consequence of him deciding to have an affair with a married woman, and he's just going to have to work thru it with his family" (or whatever)
Stick that in your quiver.
All you guys have already filled my quiver. Need to find another place for it.
"I hate to see you hurting, and I understand you feel partially responsible for his pain. This (notice I didn't say "but") is a consequence of him deciding to have an affair with a married woman, and he's just going to have to work thru it with his family" (or whatever)
