Well, she can feel a little guilty for her choices. Yes, OM absolutely brought it on himself. But she was a player in that emotional game too. The only way to avoid feeling the kind of guilt she's feeling right now (which IS a consequence of her past actions) is not to get emotionally involved with Man Two when she's married to Man One. There is just no way *someone* doesn't get hurt there, and it's a good lesson for her to learn and remember.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Well, she can feel a little guilty for her choices. Yes, OM absolutely brought it on himself. But she was a player in that emotional game too. The only way to avoid feeling the kind of guilt she's feeling right now (which IS a consequence of her past actions) is not to get emotionally involved with Man Two when she's married to Man One. There is just no way *someone* doesn't get hurt there, and it's a good lesson for her to learn and remember.
Yes. But I think she knows that without me telling her.
Well, she can feel a little guilty for her choices. Yes, OM absolutely brought it on himself. But she was a player in that emotional game too. The only way to avoid feeling the kind of guilt she's feeling right now (which IS a consequence of her past actions) is not to get emotionally involved with Man Two when she's married to Man One. There is just no way *someone* doesn't get hurt there, and it's a good lesson for her to learn and remember.
Yes. But I think she knows that without me telling her.
Then why are you telling her, "Don't feel guilty?" If it was clearly "Don't feel guilty about sticking to your decision to break it off with him", that's one thing. Otherwise ....
Edit: sorry, read more carefully, sounds like that was the context. Never mind.
Last edited by Kettricken; 10/23/0907:46 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I know I need to coach her on what to do if it happens again, but now is not the time for that.
when the time is right, say to her:
"I just wanted to thank you for being so open and honest with me the other day when you told me about OM contacting you. Not only do I appreciate you keeping your promise of transparency, I know it wasn't easy for you to be able to tell me that it pains you to see him hurting. I gotta be honest, that's VERY hard for me to hear, and as we talked about it is a consequence to the choices and decisions he made, but I really just wanted to thank you."
(then let her talk)
then, "You know, every time you have contact with him -- even if he initiates it, and even if it's negative -- it's just going to make it that much more difficult for you to move on, emotionally. He needs to respect your request that 'no contact means no contact.' More importantly, I need to be able to feel safe in the marriage, considering all that's happened. Although I appreciate you telling me, I'm not going to be able to build trust with you if he keeps contacting you."
(notice, NO MR. FIX-IT, MARTIAN SOLUTIONS YET) -- (let her talk)
Maybe she'll have a solution.
If she doesn't, let it lie for now. There will be another day (and she may even approach you) to suggest another plank in your transparency shield.
I hate to see you hurting, and I understand you feel partially responsible for his pain. This (notice I didn't say "but") is a consequence of him deciding to have an affair with a married woman, and he's just going to have to work thru it with his family" (or whatever)
Stick that in your quiver.
I'm remembering this one for sure.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Time to contact this A'hole and tell him to get lost!
Who else agrees with this? I am tempted.
I am generally against direct confrontation with OM -- it only elevates them in importance, it draws them together, you may not be able to control your emotions, yadda, yadda, yadda.
but I'll be honest, it's always been in the context of a CURRENT affair. If it's over? And the couple are trying to reconcile, and OM isn't honoring the FWAW's request of no-contact?
Mmmmm. I'm torn. Listen to the guys of experience on this one, I think.
Although I will say .... she said, "I couldn't hang up on him." Ok, if that's where she is, she's got a ways to go and some work to do. It's very very important (IMHO) for her to be ABLE to hang up on him. She wasn't coerced or threatened back into her marriage. It was her choice. She needs to fully own that. Part of the consequences of that choice is being able to tell outside parties, "NO!" and mean it.
If you run him off, seems to me you're rescuing......
ETA: If she gets to the point where she IS hanging up and he's still calling .... go get him.
Last edited by Kettricken; 10/23/0907:51 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
