Journaling: Monday morning: So W was relatively quiet Friday evening. We all stayed at her place that night so that we could get an early start on packing things Saturday morning. I could tell she was a little blue, she said that she really liked the apartment but knew that we could find a better place together.
On Saturday W perked up and we got a ton done for being 2 people who also had to take care of 2 girls. We worked from about 8:00 in the morning till about 1:00 AM moving and rearranging the house. And she still had the energy to ML afterward.
We made it up on Sunday in time to go to church at 9:00. Then took the girls out to buy their Halloween costumes. In the afternoon, we continued our work from Saturday. Had a short family night. Put the girls to bed. W then worked on a presentation for a business trip this week. She finished sometime after midnight. We found time to ML again. We woke up at 5:00 this morning so she could pack. She was out the door for her trip by 7:00. She will be away till Thursday.
I don't know if this is considered hypo-mania or if it just plain working hard. But whatever it is, I can live with it
Being jealous though is insecure - and you AREN'T insecure.
Rob,
I am 10x more confident than I was just a few months ago. But we are all human, we all have insecurities. I'm not sure simply ignoring them is handling it. I like to think I can acknowledge them and overcome.
Just don't show your wife that you are jealous, being jealous is being insecure and that is an attraction killer, in fact, I think the 180 is this, "... wife you can talk to the OM, I can't stop you either way, but I think we both know you have to let go of him, and I know that I'm not going to live my life worrying if you're 2nd guessing us and wanting to be with the OM, I love you and I'm confident you will make the decision that's right for you."
How's that?
Not controlling, you're acknowledging the OM that is continuing to contact your wife, you show that you're not insecure and you aren't ignoring this situation but you're letting your wife take responsibility for this issue because this is her issue to deal with.
I am currently going with the ignore him approach. I went with a short discussion on Friday thanking her for letting me know about the phone call. I also mentioned that it was good to talk about it even though it was difficult on both of us.
We haven't talked about him since. I got the feeling that she knew what was right and what needed to happen. At one point she got a little defensive:
... W: "I didn't call him." (a little frustrated) M: "I'm not blaming you. I'm just stating it is hard on both of us." W: "Yes. I know. I think he got the message this time that I don't want to talk to him anymore." ...
This statement makes me think that she believes this has concluded. I will wait and see how his next attempt of contact plays out.
W: "Yes. I know. I think he got the message this time that I don't want to talk to him anymore." ...
This statement makes me think that she believes this has concluded. I will wait and see how his next attempt of contact plays out.
That's the problem. Because it doesn't matter if SHE believes it, if it doesn't happen.
And predators rarely "get the message."
That's why transparency plans are needed. Whether you, strong-armed, set one up or whether you set it up as per above with a "you know what you need to do," the fact is that one WILL need to be put in place, because the pursue-ee can have the best intentions in the world, but if the pursue-ER ignores them, there's GOING to be contact, and that contact (even if it's negative) WILL set your wife back.
Tristan, as in all things in life, you will not be able to control every single that happens, nor should you. I think you already know that.
Let's keep things in perspective. She has resisted his attempts to see her again (like returning the book). He called, she answered. She regrets it I am sure. All it did was make her feel bad, all the way around. She doesn't WANT contact with him. It happened that time. She was open and honest with you about it, I don't know how that isn't "transparent." Or how that is second guessing your marriage. All her actions indicate moving forward with you, so I don't think saying or implying she's second guessing because of one miserable phone call is necessary. Take it one day at a time. I don't see where her attitude in this is that she MISSES him so much and is undecided and waffling. It was one call and it wasn't pleasant.
He may continue to try. It makes him look pathetic, miserable, and selfish. It will not draw her closer to him. He is ignoring her feelings.
It is counter-intuitive to ignore a harasser but that is the best tactic. That doesn't mean you are ignoring the situation, just HIM. I recommend NOT confronting him, why? Because people like that don't think the way we do. A normal person would be intimidated, a weirdo will feel justified.
Ignore/bore him into oblivion, he will find someone else to get his drama. It's hard, but effective.
Last thing, your wife doesn't need any strong arm approaches. She's shown that she will now act in good faith towards the marriage, if not perfectly. She is probably being a bit naive right now, but don't panic, and give her some space. Giving her space has only brought her closer and closer. She is also confiding in her friends right now, apparently, and they clearly think the guy is bad news. They will also continue to influence her. You have NO IDEA how persistent girlfriends will be in this arena.
Tristan, as in all things in life, you will not be able to control every single that happens, nor should you. I think you already know that.
Let's keep things in perspective. She has resisted his attempts to see her again (like returning the book). He called, she answered. She regrets it I am sure. All it did was make her feel bad, all the way around. She doesn't WANT contact with him. It happened that time. She was open and honest with you about it, I don't know how that isn't "transparent." Or how that is second guessing your marriage. All her actions indicate moving forward with you, so I don't think saying or implying she's second guessing because of one miserable phone call is necessary. Take it one day at a time. I don't see where her attitude in this is that she MISSES him so much and is undecided and waffling. It was one call and it wasn't pleasant.
He may continue to try. It makes him look pathetic, miserable, and selfish. It will not draw her closer to him. He is ignoring her feelings.
It is counter-intuitive to ignore a harasser but that is the best tactic. That doesn't mean you are ignoring the situation, just HIM. I recommend NOT confronting him, why? Because people like that don't think the way we do. A normal person would be intimidated, a weirdo will feel justified.
Ignore/bore him into oblivion, he will find someone else to get his drama. It's hard, but effective.
Last thing, your wife doesn't need any strong arm approaches. She's shown that she will now act in good faith towards the marriage, if not perfectly. She is probably being a bit naive right now, but don't panic, and give her some space. Giving her space has only brought her closer and closer. She is also confiding in her friends right now, apparently, and they clearly think the guy is bad news. They will also continue to influence her. You have NO IDEA how persistent girlfriends will be in this arena.
Stay cool...
99% of this post is spot on (yes even I can admit that), that last part about the girlfriends, I'm sure they were in on the affair as well, encouraging it, that's the part that you can't control as well - some of them probably encouraged her moving on with her life. leave you and telling her to do better, etc. And unfortunately some of them will still have that mindset.
The only thing you can really do is give her space, ignore the OM, talk to her when she wants to talk but don't attempt to try & fix anything, be her sounding post, allow her to talk to you & open up to you and be secure with you, continue getting a life, maintain your personal life, give her the gift of missing you every now & then and make sure that those times you guys are together are really good times. Don't bad mouth the OM, all you do is give him attention and there is no such thing as bad publicity. Ignore him, you can't confront him, if you did, you & I both know your self-control would be out the window and he would need to look up a good dentist afterwards for extensive dental repairs. No jealousy, no insecurity, just keep on doing what you did to get you here because it worked. Continue being a great dad, continue being a great spouse and continue being a great YOU.
Tristan, as in all things in life, you will not be able to control every single that happens, nor should you. I think you already know that.
Let's keep things in perspective. She has resisted his attempts to see her again (like returning the book). He called, she answered. She regrets it I am sure. All it did was make her feel bad, all the way around. She doesn't WANT contact with him. It happened that time. She was open and honest with you about it, I don't know how that isn't "transparent." Or how that is second guessing your marriage. All her actions indicate moving forward with you, so I don't think saying or implying she's second guessing because of one miserable phone call is necessary. Take it one day at a time. I don't see where her attitude in this is that she MISSES him so much and is undecided and waffling. It was one call and it wasn't pleasant.
He may continue to try. It makes him look pathetic, miserable, and selfish. It will not draw her closer to him. He is ignoring her feelings.
It is counter-intuitive to ignore a harasser but that is the best tactic. That doesn't mean you are ignoring the situation, just HIM. I recommend NOT confronting him, why? Because people like that don't think the way we do. A normal person would be intimidated, a weirdo will feel justified.
Ignore/bore him into oblivion, he will find someone else to get his drama. It's hard, but effective.
Last thing, your wife doesn't need any strong arm approaches. She's shown that she will now act in good faith towards the marriage, if not perfectly. She is probably being a bit naive right now, but don't panic, and give her some space. Giving her space has only brought her closer and closer. She is also confiding in her friends right now, apparently, and they clearly think the guy is bad news. They will also continue to influence her. You have NO IDEA how persistent girlfriends will be in this arena.
Stay cool...
I agree whole-heatedly Breakaway. I think on his next attempt, she will just hang up. Puppy, you mentioned that she should propose a solution. Does she really need to explain her "plan" or can she just carry it out?
