Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

My story really begins five years ago. That was the first time my WAW mentioned the D word. It was over sex and I was shocked. I went to a friend's house for the day, replayed the argument and he said I was 100 percent wrong. I apologized and we soldiered on.

We'd always go through cycles and she'd say every six months or so she wasn't happy. I always marked it off to stress. Things still were pretty good between us three years ago. We went to Las Vegas for our 10th wedding anniversary in April. In December, we had the best month of sex probably since we were newlyweds.

Then the physical side just came to an abrupt halt. We've probably been intimate less than 20 times in the past three years.

My WAW has a very stressful job. Our youngest daughter is ADHD and really struggled in school. She's on her fifth in four years as we try to find the right program. Her family is no picnic either. A sister who hasn't worked in years. Her mom bailing out the sister.

Lots of stuff just kept piling up.

In February she dropped the bomb. She wanted me out so she could "figure things out." I argued, then started to pack when she said she didn't mean that day. We agreed I should stay until the end of school.

In March, I had an epiphany. I looked at a lot of things I'd done from her point of view and noticed I'd really been loving her half-heartedly. I loved her ... but I didn't love her family. I loved her ... but I wished she'd work out more. I loved her ... but I wish our marriage came before her career.

I'd been trying to show her love by doing more and more and more stuff at home. I did the majority of the cooking, the dishes, the laundry. I'd always taken care of the finances. I have a very flexible job so I was the one taking our daughters to and from school.

The more I did for her the more distant she became.

After the epiphany, we had a great talk and I told her everything I'd learned. We held each other. I thought we had turned things around.

My oldest daughter, who had been freaking all year about us, was crying on the way to school one day and I told her she shouldn't worry so much. Things were turning around.

After school she ran up to the W and said she was so happy we worked things out. W was very upset with me. She said "now if it doesn't work out, it's my fault."

The window that we opened in March closed.

By Mother's Day things were very weird because the end of school was coming. I was sick, the girls had a bad day and the end of the night turned into an argument. At one point, she called me "honey." I told her not to call me "honey" anymore and she said "get out now."

I packed up and left. I moved in with a friend and stewed for a while and figured once she ran out of money, the kids drove her nuts and fell behind on house work, she'd come crawling to me.

Then I made a very good decision and started attending church on my own. We'd stopped going in '08. The church offers a marriage class occasionally and I signed up because at least it was something to occupy my time.

I've learned lots of things. I treat my W like my dad treated my mom. A look of condescencion. I thought sex was like a pop machine, if I do enough stuff, I've put in my quarters. Where's my sex? I took my daughters to the zoo and a song was playing "Come on Eileen." My oldest said "that's mom's favorite song."

I did not know that. Boy that hit me hard. Fifteen years together and I realize now how little interest I really showed in her. No wonder she's gotten quieter as we got older.

I wrote her a letter after one of the classes, saying all of the things I've learned, that I no longer blame her 100 percent for the breakup and that I'm trying to improve -- whether or not we get back together.

I wasn't sure whether to mail it but she'd been spotted by a friend at the county fair with another guy. I do not think this is a PA. It may be an EA, but I'm confident it isn't anything big.

Still, there may be competition and I just didn't want to sit idly by. So I mailed the letter.

The next week, we had a terrible conversation on Tuesday -- the fair came up and she said "what does it matter, I haven't changed my mind."

I woke up thinking I can't even be friends with her. It's too painful.

Then a small miracle. She called the next day to apologize and acknowledge she did receive the letter and it meant a lot to her. We talked for 90 minutes (on her lunch hour). She still emphasized she is happier without me, she feels "more in control" of her life. But she said we should talk once a week, on the phone so she doesn't cave in, as a start.

I was excited and scared at the same time. Her birthday was Sunday but she didn't want to see me or the girls -- it was my weekend -- because she already had plans.

I saw her for a bit Monday when I dropped them off. She looked tired but she wasn't giving me the cold shoulder either. Tonight (Tuesday), we were together for about an hour because we are protesting our tax assessment. After, I asked about work and we talked a bit. She wasn't short with me.

Then I said good night and left.

Tomorrow she is supposed to call, but she may not. It's a very busy time for her.

I know I have a long road ahead and this is a long email. How am I doing so far?
______________________
M: 40
W: 38
Married: 13 years
D: 10
D: 7
Bomb dropped: 2-09
Moved out: 5-09
No legal steps taken

[Deep]

As many would agree, there's no better place to get support and advice than on this forum.

I'll let those better in a position to advise you do so. Reading through your post, I sense some confusion. Sounds like you do really want your M to work out, yet at the same time, you seem to be (sorry to say this) a tad unstable and vaccilitating often.

Do epiphanies and awaking to realisation of the beauty of your M and things that you want to fix to be a better person, husband, father, and provider be happening so often? And with so many 180's but in the wrong direction? If I was your W, I would be confused too.

Try to be consistent in changing for the better perhaps?

[Dia]

Hi, CTH,

Your method of loving your wife has been doing things for her, and that's probably what your dad did for you mom, right? There's an excellent book about the 5 basic ways human show love for each other. It's called the Five Love Languages, and the author is Gary Chapman.

Each one of us has a primary 'language' in this regard. It's very likely that your wife's is something *other* than Acts of Service. If that's the case, despite everything you've been doing, it's like you've been speaking Swahili to her where love is concerned.

Grab a copy and take a look, and while you're at it, grab Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busting, too.

Cheers,

Dia

[ClingingToHope]

Deep, I think I've had two epiphanies this year, March and August, so I'm in the early stages of the 180s. I'm trying to be consistent in my growth. My goals are to become a great listener -- I've always been a great talker -- and to show and become friends with my W.

Dia, the Five Love Languages was the second session of the marriage classes through my church. I tested very high on words of affirmation and physical touch. She hasn't taken the test they gave. My guess is she would grade high on words of affirmation, low on physical touch. That's where -- if we can find our way back to each other -- we'll have the most to work on.

I'm not sure where Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts would be.

I can't totally stop doing Acts of Service because she has a very stressful, time consuming job (average of 50 to 55 hours a week) so even though I'm out of the house, I adjust my schedule to fit hers for our daughters' sake.

This week is a good example. I was going to have them Wednesday night because she's the late night supervisor. Then she called and asked if I'd take them Thursday as well because she'd like to cover for a co-worker whose grandmother died.

To me, it's more time with the daughters and I didn't have any pressing plans. I was going to go to a business after hours Thursday, but there's one of those almost every week in the fall and winter.
______________________
M: 40
W: 38
Married: 13 years
D: 10
D: 7
Bomb dropped: 2-09
Moved out: 5-09
No legal steps taken

[ClingingToHope]

Adrenaline can be such a bad thing. Spent a nice hour with WAW last night going over tax assessment protest. When I got there she had a stack of my books for me to take with -- but it was a great talk. I listened. She talked about work. Joked a bit. She looked tired.

Today, I was hoping she would call at lunch. Last week -- on Wednesday -- she said we should talk once a week over the phone as a small beginning.

She didn't call. It's a busy week for her at work, but now I'm crashing from all the adrenaline of hoping she'd call.
______________________
M: 40
W: 38
Married: 13 years
D: 10
D: 7
Bomb dropped: 2-09
Moved out: 5-09
No legal steps taken

[overwhelmed35]

Take that anxiety and adrenaline and do something good for yourself. I've taken up bicycling again. My thighs look awesome!

[ClingingToHope]

Satvyh, I'm already probably too thin. I've been playing a lot more basketball and working for a company on the weekends that puts on running races -- putting up tents, barricades, timing clocks and then taking them down the next day -- for extra money.

At work, I'll get some stab of heartache -- a memory or something -- and I'll get up and go for a walk around downtown.
______________________
M: 40
W: 38
Married: 13 years
D: 10
D: 7
Bomb dropped: 2-09
Moved out: 5-09
No legal steps taken

[ClingingToHope]

Question to all. Way back at the beginning of our separation my WAW said she didn't plan on filing for D until 2010 because she wants to get on her pre-paid legal plan.

I thought that at least gives me time, but it also leaves me in a long limbo.

A few weeks ago she was still pushing separation stuff. She talked about changing the locks on the house. She wanted me to close the checking accounts. I am using one, she is using another, but they are still joint. She said she was bringing a Realtor over to look at selling the house (she can't do it without my approval, but I hadn't expected her to move so quickly).

In the last couple of weeks, we've had a few good talks. She hasn't brought up anything that would push a D forward. No mention of locks, bank accounts, Realtors.

We were together about an hour Tuesday working on challenging our tax assessment. She didn't say anything that would further our separation and we talked about how work was going for her after we finished the paperwork, but she had cleaned the office and had a stack of books of mine -- including my HS yearbooks -- for me to take with me.

Are these encouraging signs?

[overwhelmed35]

That sounds good. It's certainly better than the alternative.

[ClingingToHope]

Last night had to talk to WAW on a couple of occasions. D7 needed to be picked up from school early. I volunteered. As part of conversation, I asked if we were going to talk at lunch this week -- which she'd suggested last week -- she said she maybe could call me Friday after 1 p.m.

I told her not to worry, let's do it next week.

Girls stayed with me last night. She called while we were swimming at the Y. I called back at 8:30 p.m. She was still at work and sounded tired. I reminded her she needed to write checks for both daughters' fundraisers.

This morning, we went over there early so we could put her checks in their backpacks before they got on the bus. She looked tired again and only looked at me once or twice.

I know I'm not supposed to try to decipher every single situation, but I can't help myself. She could be really stressed from the week. She could be resenting the fact my job is so much more flexible I can go to D7's school picnic today and she can't. Or she's feeling guilty about the breakup and doesn't want to look at me.

Not sure if any of those are good. I'd rather a nice smile and good morning, but she has never been a morning person.

I won't see her again until next week. I'm working at a football game tonight and out of town at a marathon Saturday and Sunday all to make money to cover the startup costs of my own apartment.

At first I was really happy to get these part-time jobs because it gave me something to do on weekends I didn't have the kids and make enough money that supporting two households isn't hurting so much.

But it does inhibit my GALing. The weekends I have the kids, the WAW is going out. Many of the weekends I don't have the girls, I'm working.

As the winter goes on though this may flip around. Her job tends to get much more stressful in the winter and I won't be out of town so much. Also in the winter there are a lot of business after hours events and I'm joining a singles group through my church, which has 9,000 members so there are people there for me to interact with.

So much to think about every day.
______________________
M: 40
W: 38
Married: 13 years
D: 10
D: 7
Bomb dropped: 2-09
Moved out: 5-09
No legal steps taken