I am so happy to read how your sitch is playing out...You are doing wonderfully...I will say I agree with Puppy 100% about transparency...When I first read DB, the first thing I did was make a list of what would be acceptable if H does in fact want to come home and the number one is Transperancy/NC...This is about what you and her need to move forward together
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Puppy, you mentioned that she should propose a solution. Does she really need to explain her "plan" or can she just carry it out?
That would depend entirely on how safe YOU would feel in not having an explanation of what it is she's put in place. The whole point of a transparency plan is for the betrayed spouse to feel safe again in the relationship. It's the old "trust, but verify" thing. Unless it's something that you can verify from time to time, I can see where all of your old doubts and fears would start creeping up again, no??
He may continue to try. It makes him look pathetic, miserable, and selfish. It will not draw her closer to him. He is ignoring her feelings.
Breakaway, I know you and I have debated this before, but this simply isn't supported by the facts and known research. LOGICALLY, it makes perfect sense, but the fact is that PHYSIOLOGICALLY, even negative contact triggers the same endorphines that make affairs so highly addictive, and reset the withdrawal "clock" to 0:00:00.
I agree with you if it comes across as "strong-arming," he's not doing it right, and it won't be effective. It should come across as necessary, reluctant, and temporary.
Necessary to end all contact, until such time she can fully withdrawal from him; he should convey that he's reluctant to have to do this; and that it won't have to be forever -- it's only temporary. Maybe 6-12 months.
I've always loved that phrase since Reagan first started using it with Gorbachev.
Because: It's sounds good It even rhymes in Russian And it's an oxymoron. It means, "Don't trust."
It was Reagan's version of the old definition of Irish diplomacy: "The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a manner that he looks forward to the trip." Okay, I'm done now ...
Last edited by Gardener; 10/26/0909:57 PM.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
That would depend entirely on how safe YOU would feel in not having an explanation of what it is she's put in place. The whole point of a transparency plan is for the betrayed spouse to feel safe again in the relationship. It's the old "trust, but verify" thing. Unless it's something that you can verify from time to time, I can see where all of your old doubts and fears would start creeping up again, no??
Puppy
The thing is that she has been completely transparent as far as I know. Yes, she has had a little trouble with NC. But it has been him trying to contact her, not the other way around. She is giving a good faith effort to completely break all contact. I think I can give her a little time to perfect it.
Journaling: Monday Evening: I admit it. I danced goofey to Miley Cyrus with the girls tonight and liked it. I used to be so serious. I have really changed over this past year.
Journaling: Monday Evening: I admit it. I danced goofey to Miley Cyrus with the girls tonight and liked it. I used to be so serious. I have really changed over this past year.
Don't get me started on this one, I have 2 children: a boy & a girl and they have a karaoke machine and my little girl is the ultimate hannah montana fan, UGGG!!! I'm either backup guitar when they're "jammin'" or I'm the video crew videotaping their next "video", LOL! It is fun, lots of fun!
Journaling: Monday Evening: I admit it. I danced goofey to Miley Cyrus with the girls tonight and liked it. I used to be so serious. I have really changed over this past year.
Don't get me started on this one, I have 2 children: a boy & a girl and they have a karaoke machine and my little girl is the ultimate hannah montana fan, UGGG!!! I'm either backup guitar when they're "jammin'" or I'm the video crew videotaping their next "video", LOL! It is fun, lots of fun!
Yeah. But do you (a) have the Hannah Montana wig and (b) have you worn it?
Journaling: Monday Evening: I admit it. I danced goofey to Miley Cyrus with the girls tonight and liked it. I used to be so serious. I have really changed over this past year.
Don't get me started on this one, I have 2 children: a boy & a girl and they have a karaoke machine and my little girl is the ultimate hannah montana fan, UGGG!!! I'm either backup guitar when they're "jammin'" or I'm the video crew videotaping their next "video", LOL! It is fun, lots of fun!
Yeah. But do you (a) have the Hannah Montana wig and (b) have you worn it?
My daughter has the blonde wig, the headset with mic, the guitar with custom hannah montana sound byte buttons & sound effects - the wig is not a good look for me ;-)
