Another waw/mlc and I need support

[cyclone]

I've been lurking on this site for a few months now, but it is time to post because I need support.

My brief sitch: I got the ILYBNILWY bomb on 8/19. Wife said she had felt so one for so long that she couldn't take it anymore. Also said that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be married anymore. She felt like she needed to live the single life and didn't want to do anything to hurt me. She was still living on the house for the first couple of weeks bu then moved out. All this time she was insistant that I move out. I wouldn't because i felt S7 and S9 needed stability which she couldn't provide since she has been largely absent from their activities for some time. Things had gotten steadily worse.

I've done a pretty good job (I think) of DBing. I don't initiate contact, I've looked into myself and made changes to myself for me, I've made a bunch of other small changes. She has noticed and feels that it is proof that she is doing the right thing by leavin. Or feels that it proves that I didn't love her because I didn't make the changes earlier.

Anyway, after 2 months if things getting worse she starts to think that I've contacted a lawyer then decides she is going to move back into the house. She's been sortof back for a week now. Some days there is little contact and others things are almost like before. Last night was one of those nights. We were watching a movie as a family and she asked if someone would rub her feet. It's something I used to do a slot in the beginning of our relationship. Maybe I was backsliding but I said I would like to. I meant it, I really do enjoy doing it.

Today is back to little contact. She missed S9's baseball game today to go to a dance event and picnic with her "new" friends. he has a lot of anger toward her and I think part of the reason she moved back was because she has been having a tough time being away from the kids and knowing that theybare angry at her for leaving.

I don't get sucked into talking about the R. It hurts when she continues to talk about our not being together in the future and how the kids will be ok, but I try not to let it show. I've been keeping as much a PMA as possible but it is tough with her in the house now.

I want this to work out and am willing to stand for as long as I can. Your support and encouragement would be helpful.

[Between Tears]

Cyclone,

Hi! You've come to the right place, the support is fantastic, and someone is usually here to help.

You sound as though you have a rough idea about what is going on, you plan on hanging on in the house for the sake of the children, which is the best thing you can do. You are doing very well.

It's still very painful, regardless of how well you have pulled things together. It's only going to get worse before it's gets better, so have you begun you "GAL" list? What sort of things would you like to do while your wife is re-living her teen years?

Oh, GAL isn't just for adults, maybe a group or hobbie that you and your two boys can join that will keep all three of you too busy to realize your wife is off in a different direction.... I see S9 plays baseball, but what about the winter months? Is there a YMCA near by where you can swim or play away from the house? Just a thought..... the busier you are with your own life, the easier it is to ignore the rollercoaster that will become the pink elephant in the room.

Next, what have you done to protect yourself financially? It's time to consider if she does have MLC, her next step will be to begin spending, WILDLY! Time to consider separate accounts and credit cards.... if it's there, she will spend it.

Keep the chin up, you will be feeling as though you are being put through the wringer.... with each twist, you'll grow stronger, and so will your boys...

Keep coming back..... There are some really great folks here, working their way through the same things you are. You aren't alone.

Blessings

[sandi2]

Hello and welcome to the community. Can you give us a little more details. Do you have children? What are the ages of you & your W?

Were you making changes to get your W to go back to you? I wondered if that is why she did return and she wants to work in the M or if she thought you were getting a lawyer.

The more you can tell us, the better we can help. Come here and post as often as possible and read other people's thread. You will build up a support group.

Have you read Divorce Remedy? You really need to do that ASAP. I'm giving you a list of do's & don'ts. It helps as a guide if you'll use it.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[cyclone]

Thanks for the encouragement. I've been focusing a lot on the kids. S7 plays soccer so we have that a few days a week. I've been doing a lot more cycling, something I used to do before we were married. I'm having a hard time doing things by myself because I never know when she'll be around. I have to find a good sitter but since she is in the house (sometimes) it's odd. I play in a community band one night a week but it's not something new, been doing it for 10 years now.

I think I'm doing pretty well most of the time and then something like yesterday happens. It was nice for us all to be back together but then today she just called to say that it felt too much like before and she needed to get away so she won't be coming home tonight. I'm trying not to take it personally but it is still really hard.

Financially things have been ok. She went through a bout of big spending a month or so ago. It has slowed down to a managable level. I am prepared to move things into a separate account once things get to a certain level. Right now we aren't there.

[cyclone]

Hi sandi2,

I've read a lot of your posts. They've been helpful. I have read DR and I've been pretty good at following the do's and dont's on your list.

I figured out how to add some specifics in my signature. I wasn't really doing aynthing particular to get her back or have her move back in. I think it was because she has been having a tough time being away from the kids and having them hate her for moving out and on top of it all she is probably being coached that moving away from the kids was a bad move. I don't really try to get inside her head to think about it too much though.

I am having a hard time with getting sucked back in. Just the other day I was making dinner for the kids and myself and she came up behind me to give me a hig as I was at the stove. I didn't turn around but did caress her arm as she was hugging me. Later she brought the fact that I wasn't more responsive as a typical old behavior. This is why I am so confused and when I had the opportunity to be more affectionate I took it. It has really confused her and now she is spending the night back at the room she has rented for the month (she has it until the end of the month). It is her thing to process and go through but I don't want to pressure. Just part of the ride right?

[Between Tears]

Cyclone,

You are doing very well... understand, things are not going to make any sense for a long time to come. I'm sure you all were becoming comfortable with being back together, and her call, it was just an excuse to be out of the house.

Do not take anything she says personally.... you can only believe about half of what she says, think of her as being 16-18 all over again... She's using you as a parental figure, and unfortunately, she's not going to tell you exactly what she is up to, nor is she going to include you in her plans. I'm sorry, it's just the way it is, and it has NOTHING to do with you at all, it's just the nature of the beast.

Okay, that spending a month or so ago, it's was JUST the tip of the iceburge! It's a warning Bub, time to put things in check, trust me, I didn't do it, and have kicked myself for the past 7 years, because I'm still not out of the debt he created... and he was able to afford to go bankrupt, and I couldn't.... it's not easy swimming with the sharks.... and there's no room for nice people like you.... start cutting her off.... allow her own credit cards, but get your name off, keep your cards close to you.... start a separate account, put the base of your monies in there, allow her access to the account you have opened now, but for the sake of the kids, start putting money back NOW!

There are people who have spent thousands on watches, or dinner and hotels with the OW/OM and clothing.... Yikes! Your kids will do better with the money, and let's face it, you've worked hard for it.

Regardless of what you do, and you could be Prince Charming, white steed and all, she is going to blame YOU for everything in her life..... you are going to find that what used to please her, will now make her angry.... she will eat different, she will dress different, she will make more new friends, and do things that you thought she would never do.....

I know she is your heart and soul, and everytime she walks out that door, she crushes your heart where you feel it all the way to the pit of your stomach.... it's why we have to learn to let go, and focus on what we do have in our lives, like you and those great boys you have.

It's going to take every ounce of you to make it through this... there will be good days, and days that you wonder what you've done to deserve this.... and on those days, you'll just have to remember how to put one foot in front of the other, the boys need you to function.

[Mach1]

Cyclone,

You have gotten some great advice here so far, and you seem to grasp this for now....

There are gonna be things that make your head want to spin all the way around through this.

MLC....IF she is.....IS a test of EVERYTHING that you have inside you .....

What she is going through is not pretty man, and never think that it is on purpose either....There are things in her head that you cannot begin to imagine.

A couple hits though.....

MLC'ers lie......period

MLC'ers project their feelings onto the person closest to them...

MLC'ers...cheat on their spouses....not all, but the majority of the time.

To get through this, you will need to understand that YOU are the only person that you can do anything about....

Don't spend this time that SHE needs pining away waiting for her..

Do for you and your boys....Always

Take care of YOU.....good friend of mine told me last night, If you don't make yourself Number one...You can't be that for your children....

Realize that you can do everything "right" and there is no gaurantee that you will come out the other side with a restored marriage with her....

What WILL happen is that you will realize that YOU will come out the other side of this a better man.

Take the time to understand what you are dealing with , and then do the work for yourself.....Strive to be better everyday....

Don't snoop....the only person you will hurt is you.....

Don't ring any bells that can't be un-rung

Don't put a timeline on this....there is none except hers....

Don't think there is something YOU can do to change this path for her...

You're never gonna talk your way out of something you acted your way into...

Time...Patience...Understanding....and being real...

Those are your friends right now....Your best friends...

Give plenty of space

Do for you

Do for your children

Understand your role right now to get through this....

One day at a time....One hour at a time....and in the beginning?

One minute at a time...

Don't talk to family and friends about this either, you will only hurt you.....

Come here to vent and understand, there is NOTHING you can say that will shock any of us man....

I have always said that I wouldn't wish this onto my worst enemy....at first I meant because of the hurt....Now ?

Because I wouldn't want him to be as good of a man than I ....

What is gained through this , is far more than what is lost.

Think of this as a positive thing, as long as YOU DO THE WORK....

[cat04]

Cyclone,

I will echo everything Mach said.

Ultimately, this is for you.

There are a few of us here with live in spouses…

I want to say that while MLC is hard, having them remain in the home is really really hard…

It will make you spin more than if she was not at home. That is why it is so, super, ultra important that you do your best to keep your focus on you.

If you keep sharing with us, we will do our best to support you through it and share what has worked for us to survive, and eventually, thrive again.

I do have a live in. So does Mach, TrustingFaith, and a few others. We will be here for you.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Well F me, I'm just going to say Hi! after all that good advice.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Seriously, after re-reading this...this is the post that we should direct all the newbies to for the guidelines. ; ) Really good and concise.