Yes I do believe that you can know if it really is MLC. Maybe not immediately but as you learn about it, and watch and listen, you will see it if it is there.
MLCer’s seem to follow a script of sorts.
I love you but not in love with you. Rewriting of history. You were controlling. Spending New friends
The list goes on and on. Read the DR section on MLC, it is actually on a link on here and then read the resource thread here. Educate yourself about what you might be dealing with.
Then, later down the road, read it again. You will know. And one thing to please keep in mind, the stages as they are broken down, do NOT follow the neat way they are typed out. They bounce back and forth, up and down, and just all over the place.
Only you can determine if it is really MLC.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Do not lash out at her with your anger, use your anger to fuel the fire to keep you going. When you're angry...and you will be at times, use it to prove her wrong. "I'll show her."
EVERYTHING, and I mean everything (except for you relationship with your kids) can be burned to keep you going.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 10/27/0906:31 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Another night of her insisting that I move out. She goes in cycles with this. Every few days she tries to force the issue. I don't get sucked into a fight about it but I do repeat that I will not move out. This is her decision and her choice, not mine, and she needs to face the consequences of those choices. She will be giving up an enviable life and the kids are already starting to hate her for leaving them.
It takes every ounce of my energy to not get sucked into that fight. I try really hard to just say that we've talked about this before and I'm not going to talk about it any more but it doesn't always work. This time she did it right in front of S7 and he said back to her that there is plenty of room in the house for both of us.
Days like this make me realize that I can move on from this. I don't want to be with a person like she is right now. I can see how it would feel easy to grow in the towel and just be done with it. I still have hope that she will make if through the tunnel and be someone that I will want to be with. I think we owe it to our kids to be together for them.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
...I don't get sucked into a fight about it but I do repeat that I will not move out. This is her decision and her choice, not mine, and she needs to face the consequences of those choices...
Right the F on!
Good for you...the rest you might want to work on...enviable life...kids hating her...blah blah blah stuff, but hey! Your right onn about this being her choice, she should move.
Cy....they come out eventually...unless they are really F-ed in the head.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 10/28/0909:29 AM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I second Jack, if she wants to live apart, let her move out.
The other stuff, that is also her problem to deal with. She may not realize for a long time the damage she is doing with the kids, but eventually, more than likely she will. Then it will be up to her to fix that.
What can you do? Be the best Dad that you can be. Be the rock for your sons as they will need you.
I do want to say, letting this happen, letting MLC happen, is not quitting. It is going on with your life, improving yourself, growing and getting stronger. It is rebuilding from the damage that the MLCer has done to you (because there is some, there is always some), and then being the person to be there if and when they do come out of it. If, by that time, that is what you want to do. By the time that happens, if you do the work, you will know if that is what is right for you or not. That is one thing you do have a choice about it this whole crazy thing.
If you rush it, if you just throw in the towel because it is easier, you will always wonder what if…
Do work. It is the best way.
You will see this on here time and again from those of us who have been around for a while, this, this craziness, really has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. Although I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I love you but not in love with you. Rewriting of history. You were controlling. Spending New friends
The same signs are from by a WAW. That is why it is hard to tell at first. To me, one of the symptoms that sets the MLC W apart from the WAW is how much age, youth, & appearance matters to them. They feel that time has either passed them by or been unkind to them or they missed their big break. They try to recapture their youth. I'm not just talking about getting a new wardrobe or a makeover. I'm talking about being obsessed with it to the point of getting depressed when they go to the mall b/c it seems all they see is stores and pictures having young models and youthful clothes. They start trying to dress as if a teenager (or at least in her 20's).....and behaves so silly trying to act youthful that it is embarrassing.
Men in MLC is just as bad. They come across as "dirty old men" b/c of how they dress & act.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
