It's MY life now!!!........

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, friends!

Well, I've been doing OK....... Snappin' the crap out of my wrist!!! But OK. I have tentative plans for going dancing Saturday (and maybe Friday) nite.

I oughta clean my house this weekend too.

I am really looking forward to getting back into session with my C on Monday! I need it!! I have this idea that I might like to have a session or two with STBXH (if he will agree) for some "closure".

I sorta feel like because of "DBing", there is actually a lot I haven't said, that I want to say. I have tried from the beginning to "take the high road" and be generous and understanding and not vindictive. And I am glad I have done that really.

I don't want to attack him or anything. I have forgiven him. But, this may sound weird, but I feel like he has no clue what I have forgiven him for. He honestly can't see any culpability on his part, other than the affair itself. I am not talking about that. I am talking about the fabric of our marriage.

I am talking about the fact that he never showed any affection, unless I instigated. I am talking about the fact that he didn't understand why I had such a problem being around him when he drank when nobody else did.......he doesn't see that it's because early on in our M, when he drank he got very abusive and even though the physical stuff stopped a long long time ago, the verbal and emotional abuse was still there when he drank (I now know that it's because he did not love me and when alcohol lowered his inhibitions, his animosity came out). A few months before the bomb, I remember getting into an argument because he was drinking, and I was lying in our bed and crying and telling him to go away and leave me alone, and he told me I was just pathetic and useless and how could he respect me when there was nothing to respect.

I really don't want to poke him in eye. Really! He really is not a horrible person! He just was never taught how to have a relationship and has no idea how to say what he feels so he bottles it all up and "fakes it". I just feel that there is so much that I have never said, either because I thought that would be "throwing it up to him" and I didn't want to hurt him that way.....or because I was "DBing" and wanted my M.

I don't know...... I am going to talk at length with C about this and see if it would be a worthwhile exercise. I don't expect him to agree, or offer an apology, or anything remotely like that. It's not about him.... it's about me and whether I need to say it.

If it does come to pass, it's not going to be for a while...... I wouldn't want to do it until the bankruptcy and legal sep is completely done. I don't want to rock that boat. So, I'll take the next 6 months or so to let it ruminate in the back of my head.....

[Grace_O]

I have written more than one letter to H in all of this. They have not and will not be given to him. It helps me to clarify what I really think and feel. The tone has changed over the last couple of years too.

I'm glad to hear you're taking your time to ruminate. I find I surprise myself when I do that.

I do hope you go and dance this weekend. Have a great time. I should start that again. We'll see.

HUGS

[peacetoday]

have fun dancin!

I think closure is a good idea if H agrees
there is so much that was never said
also good that you take your time to sift thru it all and let things settle
rushing into anything is never good
writing is also another way to get it out
not sending it

I am dancin tomorrow and went last night
suddenely having fun appears to be top on my list as well
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, ((((Grace))))!

My C and I have talked about doing letters to OW1 and OW2 (and sister)......but not to STBXH. Maybe I should add him to the list.

I am feeling much better since I told him I needed space..... I have spoken to him in almost 3 weeks, and during that time I only e-mailed once to tell him I received a notice that the boat insurance is past due. He replied that he had e-mailed our agent and that was the whole extent of it. I have gone completely dark and plan to stay that way.

I am going out to a club tomorrow night where the band will be doing 70's music. It looks like anywhere from 5-10 or more of us will be there. AND, I have a guy I've been e-mailing with from match.com that may stop by too. So, I am looking forward to having some fun!

[peacetoday]

A new guy?
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, ((peace)).

A new guy?

Yes, a "new" guy. We've been e-mailing for a few weeks now. Very light and easy. He likes to dance, although he has never done "real" couples dancing. He seems like a nice guy. I get the impression he really likes being single although he says he is looking for his "life partner". He's been single for almost 20 years, but he doesn't strike me as a "player" either. Anyway, I am just hoping he might turn out to be a good friend.

[peacetoday]

silent
have fun tonight
a good friend is nice and a pleasant distraction from the crises

I am grateful for My Bf
It really helped me to let go these last few months since my xh remarried as well as showing me that there are possibiliitites to start over
now I really believe I am done with my xh
I will work on forgivenesss and friendship which will probably be quite a task
Hope you have fun tonight
let me know how it goes
peace

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, (((peace))).

Thanks, I did have a really good time tonight. I danced a LOT! But the "new guy" never showed. Oh, well, his loss!!! I was looking really good if I do say so myself!! A couple of people even told me so......unfortunately they were women......but it still made me feel good.

Onward and upward.

[peacetoday]

Silent
Glad you had fun
and looked good
how are things going
peace

[Grace_O]

How can you not have a good time dancing?

I'm glad it was fun.

Hot Mama <sizzle>