What if the MLCer doesn't like themself? What if they had very low self esteem and repressed depression that existed a long time ago? What if we didn't see it, and because of that, may have unwittingly contributed to it?
What if there are times the MLCer can't hide from the reality of their actions and it makes them really p!ssed ... but not at themself? What if they prefer to blame others, and mostly whoever is closest ... like you? What if re-writing history was a self medicating tool to shift blame away and justify insanity?
If any or all of that seemed to apply, what do you think would happen if you tried to argue or attempt to use logic?
What if she says "turn left" and you do? Would she just say that proves some bizare point she just came up with? What if you turned right? Well there you go ... just like she said!
Are you trying to introduce logic, morality, or maybe emotion?
Won't that cost you MLC points?
A great question though. That vow must stand for something. People need a constant in turbulant times; a lighthouse in the storm. Surviving a spouse in MLC becomes more than just trying not to drown, or repeating a promise. Many people find themself unable to "fix" the situation; but still needing to "do" something.
This is a great place to learn about taking action, and turning emotion into action. Changing ourselves by becoming the person and parent we were meant to be is one action we still own. The rest is not ours alone.
But why lay under the bus when the driver's seat is empty?
You were asking questions about the MLCer...to which their are no answers.
I was asking the question of the LBSer.
: )
The windows are tinted on the bus, you cannot tell where the driver is or is not...you must have faith, strenght, madness, or a certain desperate patience. But if your not laying down in front of the bus, you likely wont be there when the bus stops and driver gets out.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
"The vow must stand for something"-At the beginning two spouses make a vow to one another. Then if one spouse breaks the vow, some say the vow has ceased to exist. But we need to be truthful to ourselves in that one day we will look in the mirror and wonder if we up held our end of the vow. At some point in our lives we will all become our hardest critic....at that time I would rather look in the mirror and say "I held to my vow through thick and thin"
Mach, you are right. My head is spinning from this, but you give great advice. I try not to take it personally and let what she says run off my back. You said IF she is MLC. Does one ever know? We were both seeing an IC and he seemed to think she was possibly bipolar and manic right now. Is there a difference?
My head is mostly in a good place but I have to admit that I still would like this to turn out wih us back together and I look for signs that she is progressing through whatever it is that she is going through. I have accepted that this is her journey to go through and I shouldn't try to shorten the trip. I am using this time to work on myself. Already colleagues at work are noticing that I seem to be more enlightened as I think I have changed on a deeper level in addition to the more visible changes (-30 lbs).
I'm so grateful that this site exists and is frequented by such giving peolppe to help all of us through this most difficult stage.
Me: 43 W: 40 S10,S7 M12, T13+
My sitch: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952314&page=1
You will discover that your WAW will try to make everything about her, but that is why it is very important to control the reigns in your own life. Don't take what she says as the gospel and don't make life-long decisions based on what "she" wants. Remember that you have a say about how you want to live your life. But, here's the thing to remember......never argue with her about staying M b/c it will come across as pressure to her and make you look needy. It is soooo important for a W to respect her H--and that must come before the "in-love" feelings. She will not be attracted to you sexually if she does not feel respect and admiration. Even if you think that whatever it is you have to decide makes you appear to be the "bad guy".....do what you have to do to maintain respect in your house. She either respects you....or leaves, one of the other.
Her emotions will be like a rollercoaster and if you allow her...she will take you along for the ride. But, you can choose not to be on a rollercoaster and be your own man. It takes guts, but several men here on the board have done it and so can you. I won't promise that your M will be saved, but you will keep your dignity and self-esteem.
Having said that, I think one of the first things you need to do is to get control of your finances. If you do not have a separate checking account....get one. Get her name off your credit cards. Do whatever you need to do to protect your finances and the your future. You probably think I am going to extremes, but many men have waited too late and then discover their W had cleaned them out. Remember this always......she is not the woman you married! Never forget that for a second.
While you are seeing about your finances, you might talk to a lawyer just to see how things would fall if she did D you.
If your W throws a fit....and she will.....remain calm and simply remind her that she told you she wanted a D, so you were simply protecting yourself. Don't feel that you must reveal everything about your business matters "now" as you have in the past..... at least until you know for sure if she is going to remain your W or not. Whereas you felt duty bound to go home and tell her changes you had made before....some of the rules have been changed since she made her little announcement. Now listen very carefully b/c I do not want you to say that I told you to lie to your W....that is NOT what I am saying, okay? I'm saying that you protect yourself and don't be blind to things a WAW might stoop to do. You will not know this woman. She is a stranger and that is how you need to think about her.
Next, you need to think about "boundaries". Know beforehand what you will tollerate and what you will not put up with. Know what your "deal breakers" are....before they happen. Just be thinking about it and how you will react and what you will say "before" it hits you between the eyes.
Do not try to understand your W's emotions or "read" into what she says & does.....b/c you can't. You will want to see some small move she makes as being a step in the right direction, but the next day she will pull the rug out from under you, so don't set yourself up for disappointment. No expectations!
People want what they can't have....especially in these type of situations. If you were the kind of man that any woman would be a fool to leave.....what would you be like? Work hard to become that man! Set yourself goals. Never discuss this with your W. Never ask if she has noticed your changes. Look sexy, act sexy, and smell sexy.
Never, ever pursue your W b/c each and every time you do, you will push her away. Nothing turns a WAW off more than her H pursuing her. But, if you pull back, she will move closer in. A little thing called human nature.
Everything you feel is the opposite of what you "should" be doing....is what you probably need to do.....such as detaching. Remember, do not be cold or rude.....that is not what detaching is about. Detaching is all in the "attitude" and feeling self-respect. You'll know (and so will we) when you are truly detaching. It takes some longer than others, but the sooner you get there, the better you'll feel.
Personality is important. Don't make a fool out of yourself and "over-kill" trying to be the life of the party....but try to act as if you have had an awakening and have decided to get the most out of life.....and you are loving it! Play with your kids and see how much you can make them laugh! Not only does it help your R with your kids, but most women love to see a man make their childen laugh.
I'll check back with you. You have started out good, so keep up the good work. Don't get upset if you backslide b/c everyone does at some point. Stay focused, and remind yourself that it is not all about "her".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just wanted to stop by to offer my support- I am another one with a live in MLCer. It is a really tough thing having to interact more and share space and some days I think it would be easier for my H to live somewhere else. HOWEVER, I do believe it does have its advantages - they do still maintain some kind of interaction even if it isn't much, they see the kids most likely more than they would if they were out, etc.
Try your best to ignore and detach from the craziness. Live your life and let her spin. Focus on the kids. Try to make their life as stable and "normal"as you can (sounds like you already have a good handle on it) for them. Be their rock. They will help keep you grounded and focused on what is important. For me, the deeper bond and greater appreciation I have developed for my kids through this is something I am grateful for every day.
Hang in there and keep us posted. You have lots of support here.
Another thing I meant to say, one of your posts caught my eye when you mentioned your C thought your wife might be bipolar. That is the same thing I had thought initially and my C had thought so as well (not having met my H, just through what I described). Then I read DB and the chapter on MLC and I cried - it described my H to a T. The symptoms seem to be so similar in some ways but I have had several times the past few months when my H has opened up and shared things going on in his head (and it ain't pretty)and he has very deep MLC-type issues so that is what I believe is going on with him and seems to fit. I still don't totally discount bipolar as he does have it in his family but he had never shown any tendencies before.
