Another waw/mlc and I need support

[Jack_Three_Beans]

How did you feel last night?
At ease? More relaxed?

Like anything you get better with practice.

And you seem to know you did well. : )

[cyclone]

Thanks for asking these questions J3B; its a great way for me to understand which things are working and maybe why.

I was definitely more relaxed. Maybe it was because I knew I was going back out? Could just be because I was having a good time laughing with the kids. Need to focus on that more anyway because it's good for all three of us to laugh more often.

[cyclone]

Just when I think I'm starting to detach fromthe emotional part of this all, I have a down day. Nothing in particular to trigger it but it was a tough day today.

W took the kids trick-or-treating last night. I stayed back to hand out candy. There were some good moments of us together with the kids. She also brought up her now standard topic of conversation - that I need to move out. This time the Pproach she took was to say that she is going to keep the room she is renting and spend sometimes there and sometimes in the house. I'm trying to walk the fine line between being a doormat and pressuring her. I just told her that it was ok to have a place to go to when she felt that she needed to be away. She then said she was hoping that I would find a place too so that I could go someplace when she is feeling that I need to be away. I told her I wasn't going to talk about that subject anymore.

Today was S9's baseball game. I was surprised That she showed up in the second inning of the game but not so surprised when she left after the third inning. She did stop by to tell me she was leaving because she got to see what she came for; S9 pitched the third inning.

I was having a tough time before this and that didn't help. Tonight will probably be another night with her not coming home. I've given her the master bedroom and it does make me a bit angry at myself because now she isn't even using it but I feel that at this time I should show her that she can trust that I won't violate her space by sleeping in the bed when she is not her.

Just getting this all out to help with the feelings. I am focusing on the kids tonight and we have had a fun day. Tomorrow is a new day. It is still hard to not think that I wish she would just be able to go through this quickly.

[fisherman]

She then said she was hoping that I would find a place too so that I could go someplace when she is feeling that I need to be away. I told her I wasn't going to talk about that subject anymore.

Good man....Do NOT leave that house.

I've given her the master bedroom and it does make me a bit angry at myself because now she isn't even using it but I feel that at this time I should show her that she can trust that I won't violate her space by sleeping in the bed when she is not her.

I think I would be sleeping in my master bedroom again soon.

[Was2sad]

Sleeping in another room, looking at that empty master some nights is not going to get easier.

Let her redecorate a guest room, if she chooses to visit as a guest. Redecorate your master as if you are the master who will continue to live there.

It does sound contrary to what you are feeling. It may sound like it will disturb her.

Uhh... she is disturbed and that won't change soon. Limit how much you become disturbed. See a professional and discuss these things. Find your strength. Ok, don't redecorate the master, but live in it. No matter what you try right now, you will have the ups and downs of life on the roller coaster. Try to make your seat safe and comfortable. Don't give away leverage over your life to someone who will not appreciate or honor it.

If she has a place to go hide there is no reason for you to need one. That is her way of trying to slip you out the door. No way. You don't need a "room" somewhere else when you have one you aren't using in your home. Your call, not hers.

If you really want a middle ground, then explain you will only sleep in the guest room when she is there. Where you sleep when she is out, is up to you. If she wants to move you out of the master, she will need to do it one night at a time, by being there.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If she has a place to go hide there is no reason for you to need one. That is her way of trying to slip you out the door. No way. You don't need a "room" somewhere else when you have one you aren't using in your home. Your call, not hers

100% agreed.

Her life changing plans, doesn't mean she gets to decide where you live...just her. IF she needs space but wants to be home and YOU feel like it, go for a drive or see a movie.

But I do not recommend you finding a room to rent.

[cat04]

Cy,

I agree with the guys. My H wanted this, HE moved into the other room. With no help from me at the time. Recently, I moved out all that he had left in here.

If she wants to leave, that is her choice. She will or won’t do it, but you really don’t need to have somewhere else to go. You could spend that “rent” money on something that you will enjoy. If you really need to get away from her when she is there, you can always close the bedroom door. But that will be up to you. Not her.

Living with them, will make you creative. And more aware of your own feelings. About everything. It will also make you aware of your actions and reactions. It’s hard but not impossible.

[cyclone]

There is no chance I will be moving out of the house. I'm glad that thinks that is the right thing to do. I have told her repeatedly that this is her decision and if she needs to be away from me she can move out. She did for a couple of months. She tried moving back in and now has the master bedroom (this was my choice). She still feels the need to keep a place that she can run to. Fine.

I walk away from the conversation now when it turns to this subject. I've said all I have to say about it. I agree that she could just close the door to the bedroom when she needs to be completely alone. She still says she feels me in the house and needs time without me there. The funny thing is that she has noticed that I have changed and thinks the reason I am doing so well is because I e had the past two months in the house by myself. She thinks that the reason she still feels depressed and confused is because she hasn't had that opportunity. I'm glad she tries to exain how she is thinking and I try to validat her feelings. I won't move out of he house. The kids need the stability that I can give them.

[Between Tears]

Cyclone,

Sounds as though you are receiving good advice. Continue to be the source of stability for your children, continue to stand your ground calmly, you are doing very well!

[cyclone]

It's been an up and down couple of weeks. I've been trying really hard to detach in a loving way and thought I've been successful. The past few days I've had a lot of self doubt but I've made it through them.

I've been taking the approach of giving W the space she needs to figure things out. This morning she woke me early to have a R discussion. It sure sounds like she is done. She says she has tried for years to make things work and just doesn't see that it can. I've heard much of this before but she sounds like she is not confused at all about this. Is this part of the process? She said that she thought the first few weeks (before I started reading DR and this and other sites) were good and things could be different but lately she doesn't have any connection. I told her I understand but I was trying to give her the space that she was asking for. The first few weeks I was unknowingly pursuing.

I got the sense that she wanted to let me know that there is someone else but she never went there. I do suspect that she is involved in an EA. I told her that I wanted to try to make things work between us and that we've never really tried to work on us together. It seems to me that the only reason one wouldn't want to try to work things out is if there is someone else. See still denies it.

Is she a WAW or MLC? I was so sure that it was MLC, now I just don't know.

I'm taking the kids to Disneyland this weekend, so we'll have fun together. She still thinks that the kids can make it through a D without any ill effects as long as we convince them that they will be OK. I don't believe that. I am staying strong for my kids, even though she is accusing me of filling their heads with hatred for her. I am not.

I guess I'll see if this is another idle threat or if she will follow through this time. As you all have mentioned, it will get worse before it gets better. She may destroy all she has in that process. I am not in control here.

I am finding it difficult to find the strength to continue through this.