There is an expression in poker called holding the "nuts". It means that you hold the winning hand and get to dictate how the hand plays out. You can hedge your betting, slow play your hand, or be super aggressive and bluff weakness. The thing about it is you can always fall back on the fact that you know that you control your own destiny. All of this that you are trying to work through, is a mountain. It is a lot to climb over and certainly not for the weak of heart.
I admire the shitt out of you for the efforts that you are making K, then again in all this time I have never, not once, questioned the incredible strength within your petite stature.
No matter how it turns out, you have taken back your life and regained yourself through all of this nonsense. Through his misconduct you have regained some inner strength which allows you to decide whether to open or close the door. That's pretty huge considering how lost you have felt in the past. Greek women have always been known for the incredible fortitude that they possess, you truly are a woman of incredible character.
Keep up the good work.......Your answers will all come to you soon enough, just keep on your path........
Ohh guys, thanks. The males visited me last night... Thanks Ian, Rob, Hi Jack!!
Our discussion the night before, must have bothered him a lot. He kept quiet yesterday.Which is fine. This is not an easy ride. And yes Ian, I am in a position to call it off and be OK. Not great, not fine, but OK. I am not going to die. There are a lot of things out there that make me happy. My kids and I will be OK.
It is frustrating that we cant seem to communicate in an effective way. Confusion, hurt, guilt, hesitation, mistrust all get in the way adn as long as we dont communicate, the above barriers will remain. I need to figure out how to approach this. If he cant turn his guilt to expression of positive feelings, we are not going anywhere. And if I dont stop obssessing about the A, we dont stand a chance. We'll see... K
Hi K! I've been reading along, from my sick bed but I am ok now.. so, wow, I feel where you are at, to some respects...perhaps that little creeping feeling of.. is this what I waited 2 years for? If thats how to sum it up. It falls short of the romantic ideal hey. I still think there is alot of hope here though, as for me.
As for your H.. thats pretty much what my bf is like (NOW, so your H has skipped a stage!!). He grimaces and glowers now if I mention ow or the past. He no longer wants to discuss it at all. I asked him why not and he said.. because its done, over, for me.. I've moved on. So I understand what your H is saying to you. He was already busy for months trying to let go, or get rid of her before he came back even. Once he'd got past that, it was already in the past, just as we start finding out the details.
I like what someone said here (?) explain to him you understand its over and done for him, but you are playing catch up and its still all new for you, but if he helps you through that, it will be done for you too and probably quicker than 'papering over the cracks' and leaving the unanswered questions to fester?
I like what Didi said very much and sounds like how I felt. I ended up asking questions and bringing up the past during especially good times (must be a textbook reaction!) which upset bf greatly and he couldnt understand why I would 'ruin' these wonderful new times together by doing that. I had to stop that.
My bf is still suffering dreadful guilt and I realised I HAD to lay off him, if I wanted to stay in an R with him. Theres a balance between putting him through all that, opening wounds, asking direct questions increasing his guilt and bad feelings but thereby alleviating your anxieties/hurt/fears and getting some relief. Its a seesaw, hence the one hour rule I guess, you gain a bit, they lose a bit, then you stop and make a nice day together and then be sure to not mention it again that day. Me and bf certainly stuck to that and he would joke "your hour is up!".
But, I agree with Didi and what your H has said...they cant believe they threw over their partner and R for ow, it wasnt for love, it was partly to do with their frame of mind and how the R with the ow then made THEM feel. Theres nothing we could have done, or did. They werent happy and they handled it badly (very badly!!) and people do hurtful things to the ones they love. I did get some answers, but lately his answer is always "I dont know why I did x.. I cant explain.. I can remember the events but not how I felt.. I just felt crazy". Like Didis H, he feels ashamed and embarressed for the path he went down and is just relieved to have found his way back, as I am sure your H is. You have to work out if those facts alone are enough and you want to stay with him and let go of the hurt. I have poured so much love as salve onto this situation since he came back and if I hadnt, we would have ended up cautious and resentful of one another, I am sure.
I dont suppose this helps.. I am not sure couples counselling would help either (we are in pretty rarified circumstances and like you say, who is best equipped to deal with that !? We are).. maybe consider seeing your own C though, to have somewhere to vent and deal with yourself? As long as they are supportive of your decision to take H back and dont see it as somehow unhealthy.
As for NEVER again as Bill says, I'm not even really expecting that, not in a whole lifetime...Never say never, but as long as it was very minor and a long long way off, I could handle it. If he left again though, I wouldnt take him back next time, no way. That much I have decided.
Missed you! xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Interesting how most of the research is by a gentleman with a classy last name which I'm sure you like (Michelakis). I think it looks promising, especially since most present treatment modalities for esophageal CA are terrible side effects. Essentially, the theory is that the mitochondria (or energy producing organelles) in cancer cells are 'turned off' and, in this state, render them 'immune' to death. DCA, reportedly, 'turns back on' the mitochondria making the cancer cell more susceptible to self-destruction (apoptosis).
A 32% reduction in tumor volume is incredible. I pray that this continues to help keep him in remission. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
An affair is intoxicating to many cheaters. It is a high. No matter what people tell you here....from the early party poppers/welcome back H/congratulations/he wants you back....you are still in a very dangerous place. You know this. Facts:
1)H just spent 3 years with a woman, lied about it, treated you with disrespect and violated your vows. This doesn't go away in a few weeks.
2) The recidivism rate is extremely high and ALL BOOKS on infidelity put the 'onus' of the work on the infidelitous spouse. They MUST committ to do the work and accept their responsibility for the marriage to heal.
3) Trust is destroyed when an affair occurs. You will live with suspicion..be susceptible to snooping...etc...unless your H can rebuild the bridge.
Kalni..you KNOW already that this is serious business now. I"m sorry if I become repetitive or come across as the 'party pooper' but your heart and your emotional health are at stake. You know that I respect and support you but CONTINUE TO USE CAUTION and PLEASE keep the 'Welcome Home Husband' posters at arms length for now.
Most men, who TRULY wanted their W's back after making a mistake...would know how to accept the blame, make amends, show the love, etc. It takes time. Although I see 'hope' from your posts, I am NOT yet convinced that your H is capable of doing the work. I'm not sure that he has it in him.
Remember...WE...are not there in Greece with you. I guess my only advice for now is TAKE YOUR TIME.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
FIB & Ali, I have to leave the office now to meet my GFs. It doenst matter what I think and what I am putting myself thru. My darling stbxh, hasnt called at all yesterday and today. I guess he is upset and took my words to heart. Obviously it is a sign of how much understanding he has for my feelings and what he is prepared to do.
Hey, I'm sorry he hasnt called. He's an *rse.. yes, like you say! The onus is on the one that left/had the A to put the reassurance and trust back in thats for sure. Shame he is not 'getting it' and doing enough. Have a good night out with your friends, Love Al xxx PS: You ARE petite!!!! A little taller than me, but a similiar build, bf said. Tsk!!
First of all, I got your FB reply and will be commenting on it tonight. I appreciate it more than you realize.
On to H, I posted a few books for your benefit, but FIB is absolutely correct that H needs to read them as well. He left, so the onus is on him.
Communication issues can be solved, but only if you have a better understanding of what you can do for your part of things. You are completely correct in stating:
Quote:
...as long as we dont communicate, the above barriers will remain. I need to figure out how to approach this. If he cant turn his guilt to expression of positive feelings, we are not going anywhere. And if I dont stop obssessing about the A, we dont stand a chance.
You may want to focus on your end of the communication line and go from there. If you can find a better handle on things for yourself, that can help you to reduce stress on your side.
I also think that H needs to know about your needs for him to express himself rather than bury himself behind his guilt and shame. Again, if you get to read the two books (or similar ones) I posted about earlier, do so for you, then tell H he has to read them as well. Don't give him an option, but tell him if he wants to figure things out, he HAS to read them...or he could read them 1st. Whatever works the best for you.
You are on shaky ground still and will be for a while. I liked Ali's idea of telling H the more he helps w/you now w/out hiding and running away, the quicker things can be repaired and not resurface later.
You also need to follow what Ali and BF are doing and limit yourself to 1 hour per day and stick to it. It should make the discussions easier on both of you and help to create more openness because you'll both have an out w/the time limit if you find you need it.
