Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)

[Steve McQueen]

And SP, as for woman, any relationship between a man and a woman which is close and not yet sexual is frightening because as woman we put a lot of emphasis on that form of intimacy.

Sex is a big deal, but most woman can get any man to bed. To engage with a man through language and other non sexual forms of communication and hold his interest is very threatening for any third party involved.

[Ready2Change]

I asked DB coach about this and he said "Which would be better? Being on the trip with W when she doesn't want you there, or not being on the trip, and having her miss you..."

[Ready2Change]

...And I fell into my old patterns.... Why can't I change?

Making personal changes to our thoughts, actions, words and reactions take practice. We do the best we can and continue our commitment for personal growth. Tools such as Forgiveness, Patience, Understanding, Empathy, Boundaries help us change.

[Coach]

Old dogs can learn new tricks:

Hi Belle,

I think you need to use this 90 days to just turn it -- and turn your husband -- over to God. Only He can change his heart, and it sounds like your husband is still all about "me, me, me" and not displaying any deep and meaningful changes or character at this point.

"This is your mess; you need to clean it up" needs to be your mantra, and also "Commit nothing; expect nothing." If he promises you a bunch of changes, or even that he's now BEGUN them (and I suspect that he will, now that you've filed), then just say "That's good; I'm glad you're doing those things, for your own sake." If he asks you anything more specific, I would just say "I'm always open to what God has in store for my life, so I NEVER say 'never,' but for now, I have moved on," and let it lie at that.

One of the saddest and scariest things I ever did was to TRULY give my wife over to God. Oh, I thought I already had, but I hadn't REALLY, and it was one day -- when I was mowing the lawn, of all things! -- that I just gave her over to Him, and so there I was, tears streaming down my face as I continued to mow my lawn in the hot humidity of a Florida summer day.

That was only a few months ago, TWO YEARS after my wife's affair was started (and ended), that I truly "gave it over." It's like I had SAID all the right things, in prayer, to God about turning IT over, but I hadn't truly given HER over, kwim? So suddenly it hits me, who am I to NOT TRUST GOD HIMSELF to take care of her??? What, like I can do a better job of it than HE can?? It was earthly hubris and arrogance of me, and I was convicted for that attitude, and so I just . . . let it go.

Let HER go.

And the thing is, I believe THAT is when, I truly started to get her back, now that I look back on it. Don't get me wrong, I was dead 100% sincere and really WAS letting her go when I prayed it -- it wasn't some "trick" to get her back -- I was done, and was moving on. But now that I look back on the last couple of months, and all of the significant things that have happened in my marriage, I really think that it started that day as I mowed my lawn and just pictured in my spirit me holding my wife in my arms, carrying her, and laying her at the foot of the Cross and saying "You need to take care of her now. I have done the best I could, you KNOW I have, but I just can't do it anymore. Please love her, and take good care of her, and continue to let me know what I should do."

Puppy

[Ready2Change]

I like to figure out the worst possible scenario (outcome), and then visualize myself handling it confidently, and strongly. Once you face down your worst fears, you find you're very well prepared to deal with the medium-sized ones, b/c it almost always turns out to be better than the worst-case scenario you came up with.

[Ready2Change]

This stuff IS difficult -- probably the most difficult (and also counter-intuitive) -- thing you will have ever had to do.

But it should NOT be "perplexing."

In fact, this "script" that we often talk about, can be used to your advantage. In fact, I can help you predict just about everything he's going to do, before he does it. Between me (who knows affairs, and their "scripts") and you (who knows your husband better than anyone on the planet besides himself), don't you think it's very reasonable for us to think we can predict NOW what he will try to do, or what he'll try to NOT to?

I was told this by a parenting seminar guy once, but it applies to wayward marriages, too: the mistakes we make (as parents/LBSs) is that we don't anticipate what our (child/cheating spouse) is likely to do or say, and to PLAN AHEAD OF TIME how we are going to handle it. Instead, we get caught up in the anger of the moment, and we REACT -- usually, poorly, and unproductively.

In fact, not to swing a 2x4 at you, but you've been very reactionary, haven't you?

Well, resolve that that's going to start changing, RIGHT NOW. If you have to, write it out, and rehearse it out loud when you're alone. Write out the script as if it were a play, and you are the playwrite, and write down what your husband is going to say and do, and then practice what YOU are going to say or do to respond to him.

Calmly. Forcefully. With conviction, and great eye contact.

I'm a salesman by trade, and I'm pretty damned good at it, and I'm also very social and not at ALL shy. But when it comes to confrontations, I SUCK AT IT, and this really helped me when I had to do my initial confrontation -- and then my RE-confrontation -- of my wife.

And, if I may be so bold . . . I NAILED THAT SUCKA!!! grin grin

Make TODAY the day you STOP REACTING to him, and HIS agenda. Cuz guess what? HE (and his girlfriend) do NOT have your marriage's -- or your family's -- best interests at heart right now. So why would you let someone who doesn't have its best interests at heart, dictate the rules and timeline?

YOU need to do that. You won't be able to control ALL of it, but you CAN begin to exert some influence, using your husband's own predictability to your advantage.

[Ready2Change]

You do NOT need to tell your kids that you agree with this, and in fact, you shouldn't. "Your mother and I disagree, I do not want a divorce right now, but I accept her decision and we both still love you very much" -- something like that.

I absolutely think you should find out what she told them, but I wouldn't ask leading questions. Just "what did she tell you?", and then listen to what they say. Do not lie to cover up her affair. In difficult times like this for children, they need to know that at least ONE parent will always tell them the truth.

[TrentC]

In response to someone whose WAW was dealing with ending an affair:

One way I've seen it handled (Hope4Us has been really good with this) is to use it as an opportunity to talk about the consequences/dynamics/etc. of infidelity; validating, without enabling. So maybe something like:

"I hate to see you hurting, and I understand you feel partially responsible for his pain. This (notice I didn't say "but") is a consequence of him deciding to have an affair with a married woman, and he's just going to have to work thru it with his family" (or whatever)

[Dudess]

You can stand there like a rock and scream from the mountain top that you're going to stand for your marriage and for what's right but that isn't going to get her attracted to you.

[Eskimo Nell]

"The grass is always greener on the other side till the neighbors dog shits in it. Be the dog".

Sorry - can't remember who posted this but it's a good giggle - and so very true!