Going straight forward...antlers 5th thread.

[antlers]

I'm now posting more in "surviving the big d"

I'll be there shortly, if not sooner. Our next court date is in May. I hope there's some good support there on that forum. Still working on the discovery documents...my lawyer is sending out discovery requests to her later on today or next Monday. She is incredibly hard and cold and callous, after 9 months of separation. I've been nothing but compassionate to her during that entire time. The focus, from here on out, HAS TO be on me and my recovery and my healing. I have NO CONTROL over her thoughts, feelings, or actions. I'm praying, and I'm continuing to do 'the work', and I've gotta believe that things will get easier and better for me.

[antlers]

I feel for you antlers, hang in there buddy!

Thanks for your support. Good luck to you in your situation too.

[antlers]

Antlers,

Something I read said that we hurt our W's so deep that we pushed them out the door. It takes a long time to rebuild that trust and for healing to occur both in them and in us. It is our job to win our W's hearts back with time by changing us over an extended period of time and allowing that trust and safe and secure feeling of love to come back to them.

As they start to heal if we are consistant, they will start to be confused by their emotions again and then the process of that old love will start to take over again. The person we used to love will start to show again. But as for how long it takes, each person is different. You may not see that healing occur for years. They build it up inside for so long, it takes a long time to remove those feelings of resentment. Time and consistancy, along with prayer if you are a believer which I know you are is what it is going to take.

My W took crap from me for 10 years. It isn't going to fix itself in 1 year. They have to go through a dramatic healing period and we have to truly change like never before and keep it up the rest of our lives. Then maybe, they will start to take notice again sometime down the road if we can hold out.

Kevin

I don't doubt any of the things you are saying here Kevin, but I think it's possible to hang on to false hope, when we should be moving on with our lives. Hanging on to false hope is not a good thing. Kinda hard to choke it down that she is so out of love or unattracted to me that she would willingly give up 50% of her time with our kids, destroy a family, piss on the care that I have for her, and just walk away! I've DB'd my butt off over the many months during our separation, and I've made changes...changes that she knows of, and it doesn't matter. When you get involved in these legal proceedings like I am now, and you have to deal with lawyers and judges and so forth, and she's standing right next to you and you KNOW that she wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire...then you know it's for real!

I appreciate you Kevin. Thanks.

[orangedog]

Sorry to hear it was a difficult day. Stay strong and stay true to yourself.

Dr said I could probably start riding my trainer in 2 to 3 weeks.

[antlers]

Sorry to hear it was a difficult day. Stay strong and stay true to yourself.

Dr said I could probably start riding my trainer in 2 to 3 weeks.

Yeah, it was a pisser. It's all I can do O'dog! I appreciate your support. Stosny talks about that very thing...staying true to your core values. I also keep in mind that quote you gave me about 'my actions being my only true belongings'.

Good, I'm glad you seem to be healing up OK. How is it...riding a trainer? Sounds awfully boring for somebody that loves to be outside, peddling and moving forward.

[antlers]

Kids are with me right now...thank goodness. Son loves pork babybacks, so that's what we're having for dinner. His birthday is Friday and daughter's is Sunday. They'll be with me this weekend too. They are both gonna be real happy with their presents that I got them. Took a good ride yesterday (55 miles) and a good one today (45 miles). Physical effort on the bike is good for me. Been enjoying work more lately, especially interacting with co-workers and patients and their families. I'll be off tomorrow then it's back to work for Thursday and Friday. I know I'm gonna be OK...I just wish things hadn't happened that DID happen. Puttin' forth more effort to focus on myself and my healing and recovery...and loving my kiddos as much as I can...and being the best dad to them that I can. My lawyer is sending out our Discovery requests for the other side tomorrow...they have 30 days to provide the requested information. She seems happy as a clam now that this is finally happening.

[orangedog]

Those are good long rides. You still have good weather there?

I took my first post-surgery ride yesterday. Well sort of... To save myself from walking two blocks on a hardly-weight-bearing foot, I sat on my bike and pushed myself along using my good foot. I placed the other foot on the pedal and coasted along.

The Dr. doesn't need to know about this.

[antlers]

Those are good long rides. You still have good weather there?

I took my first post-surgery ride yesterday. Well sort of... To save myself from walking two blocks on a hardly-weight-bearing foot, I sat on my bike and pushed myself along using my good foot. I placed the other foot on the pedal and coasted along.

The Dr. doesn't need to know about this.

Hey O'dog. Thanks for stopping by.

Don't hear much from anybody here anymore since the divorce was announced.

Yeah, for this time of the year the weather here has been pretty great recently. "The doors to the spirit swing wide open with physical effort"...it's true! These rides are medicine to me.

At least you're back on your bike, and takin' it easy like you should. A speedy recovery to you! I'm still gettin' closer to that mountain bike.

Well, he's the Dr., but you're the patient and you have some say-so too. And you're right...he doesn't need to know everything.

How's it going...mentally and spiritually and emotionally?

[orangedog]

I don't think it's the status so much as this forum is very busy and posts fall back rapidly. I now post my own news on Surviving the Big D.

Mentally - My thinking is mushy at times but functional. Sleep is difficult. I only sleep about three hours at a time all the while working on some complicated project in my head. I wish I could just close my eyes and wake up the next morning.

Spiritually - Not getting to Zen as often as I would like. I feel good about my actions.

Emotionally - Lots of ups and downs but Pdoc didn't seem to be too worried about it. Par for the course right now. It's a very delicate balance to keep upright and not get toppled by little events. I need to use my tools better and not dwell.

I feel better when I'm detached from the She.

I have been wondering why I have always felt such intense emotions about everything? Why do I agonize over events that others just live with?

[antlers]

If you feel better when you're detatched...then keep detatching.

Just because you've always done that doesn't mean that you have to keep on doing it.

I think that we, as LBS's in particular, have developed a strong pattern of reactive behavior. It's understandable, given the circumstances...and we have every right to feel the way we do. But I think we have a more compelling right to heal our wounds. We really must choose between negative emotions on the one hand...and healing on the other. It's not possible to feel lovable or loving while you feel all these negative emotions...and these negative emotions also prevent healing.