Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That IS a phenomenal book. The gold standard on the subject of EAs.

Puppy

[Kalni]

Not JUST EAs though Puppy. It's great describing what you face AFTER the A is disclosed and all the steps you need to take IF you want to reconcile...
Pearl, you must read it.
K

[pearlharbr]

Puppy and Kalni, thanks for your input.

Puppy, I didn't say that out loud but I don't know how to stop the thoughts from running through my head. Yes, once the initial shock of confirmation had passed I realized that I can't be upset about it now. What I am upset about is the fact that he never told me about it before now. I know you think my expectations are too high and honestly, I remind myself of that on a regular basis. Where I struggle is wondering if I really need to lower them or if what he is doing, his supposed best, is ever going to be enough.

Kalni, we have both read Not Just Friends and worked through the exercises. That was the compromise on not going to MC. So yes, he knows exactly what you pointed out, that he needs to volunteer that information and be extremely forthcoming in answering my questions. But he hasn't done that, as evidenced by this latest incident. And his excuse is always the same: I didn't think you meant that or it never occurred to me that you'd want to know that.

It's a common pattern in his behavior throughout this entire reconciliation process. I spell out exactly what I expect, he violates my boundaries, I call him on it, and he responds with, "Well, I know you said 1-10 but I didn't think that included 4!" Then I tailspin into wondering if my expectations are too high, am I looking for reasons to be angry, etc. But when I calm down and can view things rationally I do believe my expectations are fine and he is simply NOT doing all he can despite his protestations to the contrary. He is just doing enough and that may be fine for further down the road but not now. I do not want things to slip even further from here.

[Kalni]

Why do you think he does that?

It sounds to me, yoru expectations are not high. I am just not sure he realises the importance of what you need. Can you make him see that?

[Kalni]

Ohhh and how do you react when he tell you? That seems to be important of creating a pattern in their way of thinking :
"oops she got hurt/mad/upset/cold. Note to brain :forget the details from now on"

[pearlharbr]

How do I react? In the early days I think I was a bit emotional but not too bad. At that point the dam of tears had burst (I didn't cry during the A, just went numb) and lots of things set me to weeping. Actually, that is more my normal state, I'm a crier in general (movies, commercials, songs, books, you name it) and I even cry when I get very angry, it just manifests that way. So BF is used to seeing my tears. And I did explain that while all of this is hurtful, it's not as bad as it may look and what I really needed was to know the truth. The two recent instances I was a lot more upset because both involved him trying to hide something from me that I discovered anyway. I told him during his A that the lying hurt me more than the cheating and I resented him treating me as if I were stupid because I did know the truth. So what I am reacting to is his lying (omission and/or hiding things) and his blase attitude when I call him on it.

Does he just want to avoid upsetting me? Yes. But again, he knows (we discussed this early in our R) that I tend to have an emotional first reaction to get it all out and done with instead of holding onto it. He is the total opposite. I have tried over the years to lessen the dramatics (no more door slamming) but I do need to continue on working toward a lot less emotional reaction. And also, we have discussed on more than one occasion that a) my reaction at finding out he is lying to me or hiding things from me yet again is going to cause a much worse reaction, and b) he doesn't have the right to decide what details I get to know. If I ask a question I expect a full, honest answer because eventually I will discover the truth.

So I don't know what else I can/should do to make him get how important this is. I've been a broken record stating my expectations and the rationale behind them. He just doesn't get it or feels that it's not really that important. And I am reaching the end of my rope.

[pearlharbr]

Another contributing factor is that I haven't asked a lot of specific questions because I'm not sure what exactly I need to know. Perhaps that is the place to start, write out a list and just suck it up for one big hurtfest.

[pearlharbr]

Journal:

There's been a shift.

A couple tearful breakdowns and yet another conversation about asking for forgiveness, BF finally (although seemingly begrudgingly) asked for forgiveness. I scoffed, it sounded like a small child being told to apologize for hitting someone so he did. And at that point I told BF I probably could forgive him for the A but couldn't forgive him for taking so damn long to ask for forgiveness. I said we need to go to counseling because I am tired of feeling like I am/we are stuck and not moving forward.

Then things went back to "normal" and nothing was said for a week or so. And I can feel the resentment building up again, that things aren't normal yet and we're just going back into old an not good patterns of not talking.

But things did change. We argued about planning a vacation. BF went up to bed but came back down to talk about it because he didn't want to go to bed with things unresolved. So we talked, realized we weren't getting anywhere with the convo, but it felt better because we talked. The vacation got planned the following day and we both appreciated the other's way of thinking.

A couple days ago was the anniversary of the first bomb: the "I'm not happy and haven't been for the last five years" talk. I made it through the day with only a few twinges and didn't mention it to BF. I'm nervous about going into the anniversay season--last year at this time you were X, Y, Z. I'm trying to approach it without dwelling or wallowing but I'm not confident I'll be completely successful.

Last night BF said let's talk. I had a small flutter in my heart, that small twinge of fear. He said it's not bad. He wanted to restate that he's sorry for everything he's put me through. He asked for forgiveness for the affair and also for taking so long to ask for forgiveness. Then he went on to talk about our sex life which was a major reason behind the affair. He feels like a huge weight has lifted and now he's enjoying just cuddling without it having to lead to anything more. That was one of my complaints in the past but recently has been an area of concern that I hadn't voiced. I feel like I've been initiating all the time and worried that he wasn't initiating because something was wrong. It was so good to hear his reasons and find out they're good. It was so good to know that we were talking about things and feel like we're getting closer.

I'm still a little ambivalent about our future. But in the past week I decided to just move forward as if we're going to make it. I have to make a decision and stick to it, either let this R go and explore the greener grass option or commit to this R and work on it. So I'm choosing this R and working on making it the best possible R for me and for us.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hugs,


Puppy

[pearlharbr]

Thanks Pup!

Now off to listen to one of my favorite musicals, Damn Yankees!