Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)

[Ready2Change]

Everyday users on this forum will post an unknown number of replies & questions dealing with their relationships & marriages and every post boils down to some variation of...

"What should I do? I've read the other threads on this forum but my situation is unique..."

Bottom line, nothing in this world is new anymore. As much as you think your situation is unique, it really is a variation of quite a few common themes that you see posted & replied to regularly in these forums.

You may have heard the term, "WAS script".
Well "script" implies that the WAS (man or woman) will say & do things that are common for a person that wants to leave a relationship/marriage. My personal favorite is "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". Impressive that with so many unique marital situations that this particular statement re-occurs on a regular basis.

What else is not unique in many of your situations: TIME.
In most if not all of your respective situations, it has taken months and more probably years for your relationships to get to to their current status. It took alot of time to get to where you are, it took alot of time for the damage to accumulate to a point where your spouse made a decision to leave the relationship and you all have to realize that it's going to take a long time to get your relationship back if that's even a possibility.

Guarantees... there are none. Know this. Accept this.
You can do everything right in your current journey of busting your divorce and still not get your spouse back. There are no guarantees in life. No one knows what tomorrow will bring and you can't predict or control the future. But.... (and you know I like big buts) you all have a chance. As long as your heart beats, as long as you have a spring in your step, a smile on your face and the willingness to improve yourself and be the kind of spouse you would want to have (change begins & ends with the person you stare at in the mirror everyday) then you have a chance, a very good chance - it's not a guarantee but it's better than nothing at all.

You all come here looking for a solution. Years of marital problems, personal neglect, spousal neglect along with countless other issues and you all come here looking for a solution because your spouse has told you in one way or another "I've had enough and I don't want this marriage anymore."

This happened to all of you in one way or another and I don't care how "unique" your situation is, your spouse finally communicated to you in person that they wanted to leave you or they had an affair with another person which pretty much indicates the same thing.

So what prompted you to action? Crisis, fear of loss. It was only when you were faced with losing something that you finally decided to act.

Regardless of how "blind" you might have been during the marriage/relationship, you all had some clues & indicators that your spouse wasn't happy. You just thought you would plug along as you have been doing, thinking that your spouses would get out of their funk eventually and just be loving & caring. Maybe some of you felt that the other spouse had to change because they had "changed" into someone you didn't recognize anymore and you weren't going to fix anything until they fixed it, it was their responsibility, their fault, since they are married, they had an obligation to do something as well. Yes this is all very "unique".

Here is also something "unique".... you all want an answer NOW.
How do I do this? How do I respond when they do this? What is my next move? Should I do this and employ this tactic? What do I say when they do this? My personal favorite: How do I GAL when they've moved away and won't even notice my changes?

Yes you're all very "unique".

You all want to fix your relationships now, something that is also "unique". I want results now, I NEED RESULTS NOW! Read those words, think about the times that you yourself may have even said those things or something similar or even just thought about it. Reflect on how needy you've become, how insecure you've become, how unattractive that behavior really is: ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!

I've said it before, consumerism isn't just alive & well at the shopping malls. It's alive & well in your relationships. I want something new, improved, better, faster, stronger, and I want it NOW! It took years to create the problems that you are a part of but you all want a fix now. The microwave isn't fast enough, the car isn't fast enough, high speed internet isn't fast enough, the computer definitely isn't fast enough and there aren't enough hours in the day. Do any of you recognize the recurring theme here? You all want what you want and you all want it NOW!

Well your marriage isn't a microwave dinner and you aren't going to be able to nuke it and make it ready in 30 seconds. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can start doing the real work which takes time, effort, consistency of action (which builds trust) and the willingness to do things that you haven't done before, something that the "old" you wouldn't have done because the "old" you was boring and not willing to adapt & change.

You want to be efficient at cooking dinner, go for it.
You want to be efficient at work, go for it.
You want to be efficient at doing the laundry and taking care of your homes, go for it.

When it comes to your relationships and repairing the damage that took years to build up and destroy your marriages, there is no 30 second nuke button to hit. The repair process takes time, it takes a long time to heal a heart, it takes a long time to rebuild trust, it takes a long time to fix a relationship because it took a long time to break it.

This is a common fact for you all of you. This process will take time, alot of time. Trying to implement a quick fix will actually slow down your progress - that is the only guarantee I can provide to all of you. Trying to force your relationship to heal at a quicker pace will cause more damage. You will inevitably reveal to your spouse how selfish you are and that the only reason you want to recover this relationship is for you and not for them and they will see through that.

The "BS-meter", all of your WAS's are equipped with this piece of equipment, if you're not sincere in your efforts they will be able to tell and it will erase any progress you've made and even set you back a few steps.

Slow is fast, Fast is slow - tattoo this to your foreheads if you can't remember it.

I can't count how many situations I've read in these various forum posts where the LBS is making real progress, their WAS is warming up to them again, calling them, interacting, communicating, smiling, spending more time, doing things together, emailing, texting, etc. And after 1 or 2 days/weeks, the LBS figures it's time to press the WAS for marriage counselling or talking about the relationship and reconciliation. It took a few years to damage your relationship but you figure after a few weeks of peaceful interactions with your WAS that it's time to force them to make a decision about reconciling with you. You are all very "unique" in this respect. You all do this or will do this in your own "unique" ways.

Here's a novel idea.... the WAS that left you because they didn't want to be with you is suddenly spending more time with you, suddenly communicating with you more often, doing things with you, smiling with you, is comfortable with you. Keep doing what you're doing! Don't bring up relationship talk, talks of reconciling, enjoy the moment! Stop worrying about the future, you don't know what tomorrow will bring so stop worry about tomorrow, enjoy today if today is the day your WAS wants to talk with you and share a drink or a meal with you or wants to do something with you & the kids. Be humble and appreciate the time you have with them, don't hasten the process and demand that things have to change and that you need to reconcile at this moment. Consider this a form of dating even if it isn't officially labeled as such. Stop forcing your spouses to have to be with you. If you have to force someone to love you and be with you, do you really want to be with those people? If those same WAS's make moves towards you, to communicate, to spend time with you & your children, to come over, to share a meal, etc. Enjoy that time you have with them, celebrate a success internally with yourself that you were able to accomplish something of such a grand nature when this WAS originally left you and never wanted to interact with you anymore. Stop asking for more, start appreciating what you have and stop believing that you deserve more than what you have - truth be told no one deserves anything, you get what you get in life because you placed yourself on that path to get the results you received. Stop believing you are entitled to something, entitlement breeds resentment and that will lead you down a path of anger & disappointment and poor results.

Rebuild yourself, change yourself for you first. Become a better person for you. Reclaim your individuality. You were an individual before you were a part of this relationship with your WAS. It was your individuality that made you attractive, learn what it is to become you again, enjoy being you, continue pressing forward, personal development is a lifelong process, don't be lazy with yourself, be the best you that you can be.

The repair process is slow, anyone preaching a quick fix does not know what they're talking about.

There are also many methods to possibly accomplish the herculean task of repairing your marriage, "busting your divorce". Many of us will have many ideas on what you can do to accomplish this task. None are guaranteed to work, remember there are no guarantees. But if you fail to act, you are acting to fail and will achieve those results. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again and expecting different results. So one piece of advice that will be common to all of you, do things differently from what you are doing now and please stop whining and saying "I can't do this", "I can't do that", it's that same attitude that got you into this mess to begin with - you can do it, you just don't want to do it and it's that same attitude that prompted your WAS to leave you.

You all have questions, you all want advice, you all have pain, you all claim to love your spouses but your past actions with them might indicate otherwise, you all want your spouses back - and yet you all claim to have "unique" situations.

Give yourself the time to find those answers to those questions, give yourself time to improve yourself for you first and then your children, don't change for your spouse - that is definitely the wrong thing to do, remember the "BS-meter" that I mentioned previously. Give yourself time to heal from your pain, admit to yourself that if your spouse has hurt you, they may not be able to do anything to rectify that with you, you in the end have the ability to forgive them for what they may have done, that is within your control and that is your choice. Allow them the same courtesy, to heal within their own amount of time, allow them the choice of forgiving you and realize that no one owes you anything.

If you pray to GOD (and if you don't maybe you should but then again, that is YOUR choice), pray for CLARITY so that you have a clear mind that your vision is restored so that you can see clearly enough to know what you want and know what you have to do. Pray for the CONFIDENCE to take action on the choices you make and pray for WISDOM to choose wisely.

Stop praying for a quick fix to your problems, it doesn't exist.
There is no QUICK SOLUTION.

And if you want to truly be "UNIQUE", start by doing things that you normally wouldn't do, start by letting go of the need to control others and realize that you can only control your thoughts & actions. Respect your WAS's decision to leave you, you gave them reason to do so, if you want them back you will need to give them a reason to come back and that doesn't mean calling them and making them feel guilty for their actions. You want the reason they come back to you to be because they want to be with you and you can only promote that kind of feeling in others by making changes in yourself that would allow that kind of environment to exist and know that the changes you make in yourself aren't being done for your spouse, they're being done because you ultimately want to live a great life and you realize how you were living before wasn't great.

If you want to be "unique", and this is for all of you and especially those of you that feel like doormats in your current situations: Grow a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself & draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit. If you can't respect yourself, how can you expect others to respect you, how can you expect others to love you?

If you want to be "unique", and this is for all of you that happen to unfortunately be in abusive relationships: Love yourself and respect yourself enough to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you - it is one of the toughest lesson's you will ever learn but also the most rewarding.

I wish all of you "unique" db'ers a good day,
hopefully some of you saw yourselves in the examples listed above and hopefully you have some additional clarity into what you are currently doing.

[EJohn]

This is perfect. Just the thing I needed today.

[Ready2Change]

When you do (insert action), I feel (emotion) because (how it specifically makes me feel).

For example, when my daughter makes plans without consulting me and screws up my schedule.

"When you schedule your voice lesson without checking with me, I feel disrespected because what I have planned doesn't seem to matter."

It comes off better than telling her "she's selfish".

[Ready2Change]

I am here to help remind you & others what they came here for in the first place.

This is tough stuff, the kind of stuff that tests your spirit everyday, makes you waffle back & forth, makes you sell yourself out of a marriage one day because the results aren't what you expect compared to the effort you're putting into this and then buy yourself back into your marriage the next day at a price you never wanted to pay.

Don't think for a minute that I don't feel your frustration, your pain, the anxiety, the uncertainty, the longing, the guilt, the pain, the insecurity, the desire, mental anguish and the pain in your heart.

I feel it.

I'm just trying to remind you of what your original goal was.

I'm not here to force you to do anything, in fact you will be successful regardless if you bust this divorce or not, because you will have decided on what path to take that is best for you & your children and you will have the courage to take that path to it's ultimate conclusion, whatever that is.

[JCJ]

posted by 25yearsmlc

If your life were a novel, who would you say is writing yours? How's this chapter going? Is it flowing the way you want your life to flow? Bet not, I bet that lately you have not been the author of your own life's novel ---so how about writing the next word/paragraph/page, chapter and the rest of this book all by yourself? It's time to be the author of your own life and take charge of it.

[TrentC]

At Puppy Dog Tails' suggestion...

I am a very firm believer in the fact that God puts people in our lives for different reasons/at different seasons.

I once told Mac the following and I try to remember it everyday:

"God will send the right people to our life at the right time. We must first let the wrong people walk away. The wrong people will use our weaknesses to stay in our lives. If we don't let the wrong people walk away, we'll miss God's best."

The people here I believe are God's best...

Sent here for different reasons...

Think about it...

We are all basically going through almost the exact same thing, found ourselves losing it all, came upon either the book or the website, connected with one another to then draw strength, faith, empathy, compassion, encouragement, love and friendship and we are all strangers...

We share thoughts, fears, worries, doubts, things that some consider TMI, we laugh, we cry, we mourn, we rejoice...

We help one another out all without ever meeting...

If you don't believe in God, that right there should at least put a seed of doubt in your mind.

[TrentC]

Two in the same day!

Here's another story (called the Picnic Analogy)that helps show what you are trying to do (and I copied this from someone else):

THE PICNIC ANALOGY

Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.

[Ready2Change]

Forgiveness does not mean minimizing what he has done. But it does mean letting go of the opportunity to "balance the scales".

[Ready2Change]

I was listening to a radio program "Win at Life" this weekend, and here are two good word definitions:

Patience : waiting with contentment.

Perseverance: Fighting the battle while waiting with contentment.

[Ready2Change]

The choice is yours if you want to keep reacting (interacting) the same way to spouse and getting the same results, or change the way YOU react to spouse and get different results.