Boundaries

[Ready2Change]

Well I dunno what to do. There has been no R talk. He pretty much moved into the spare room suitcase and all. He brought home every last thing he had at his sister's house. Full on back in our home. But won't man up and talk about it. Its weird.....
1am, H comes home and comes to my room. He wakes me up ...
We had some basic conversation then H slid into the bed to talk more. More basic conversation. While pillow talking he rubbed my arm and back. Then I said I was super tired so he took the hint and asked for a hug. So i gave him a hug, but laying down it turned into a cuddle. While cuddling he said " I could just sleep here, I'm so tired" Finally got out of bed and went to the spare....Does he really think he can just move home and then try to move in to the OUR room without talking about it? There is no way he is going to slide on into our bedroom again without a word.

Good. It might not be a bad idea to set that boundary finally:

"I'm glad to have you home, but I don't want to make the situation more confusing for us, and especially the kids, right now. So until you've decided that you want to work on things, I would prefer that you stay out of my bedroom at night."

Beautifully said. Another option is to drop the "At night". Another option is to "unless invited".

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I just wanted to say that this is a great thread. Not only was it started with some great broad concepts, Coach then provided specific examples of how to structure boundaries, and now we've got examples posted from other people's threads.

FANTASTIC!!!

Puppy

[Coach]

From "BrownEyedMom"

Last night, after the boys were in bed and H was at the kitchen table with his laptop while I was cleaning up the kitchen, I said, " I have something I want to say to you and I am not looking for a response. What you said to me the other night about buying a house without me- if your intentions are to buy a house because you want to walk away from this marriage, so be it. But if you do not intend to walk away from this marriage, I need you to know that I will have to be included in the process of looking for and buying a house if you want me to leave this house with you. I will not go from owning a home with my husband to selling it and moving into a house with you that is not in my name. I will not ever put myself in the position of having to leave if I am ever asked to do so. I have to look out for myself. So, if you want to stay together as a family, I need to be included in this decision and process."

And then I went back to loading the dishwasher. He didn't respond in any way and I am glad that he didn't. I was feeling very vulnerable after being alone with my thoughts yesterday and a discussion would not have been a good direction for me to head into. I felt better afterwards because I said it like I meant it. Though I was feeling very emotional, it didn't creep its way into my voice. Thus, I was able to go to sleep last night.

[poet]

OK, I will jump in here, and I will be blunt.

Last August, Puppy nudged me into setting boundaries, with my then, still somewhat live-in H. I basically booted him out. He's been sliding downhill for a long, long time, and I was sliding with him.

Financially, now he's claiming to be going under and wants me to put my signature on a $5,000 loan from his 40lK account, which BTW, comes in the midst of our divorce as well as in the middle of slow work time for him. (He filed on 10/30 but I've yet to be served). He also claim not to have any money because of lack of work. I can't help wondering why, after all this time, he files at a time when he has "no work, and can't pay the bills." On 10/23, he sent a $350 prepaid credit card number to his long time gf/with benefits.

Ironically, I'm wavering about what to do. I know I only want to do what's best for me. He's never sat down with me. He's been mentally abusive for A LONG TIME.

Part of me still wants to meet with him and set boundaries like, "I'm here for the facts. I won't make a decision without all of them. And, if I hear one lie, all bets are off." And, then I want to be able to make my decision.

The other part of me says, "Absolutely, positively no. Let him sink in his own sh__!" But then I wonder, "Is that really the Godly thing to do?"

There's no time like the present to do the right thing.

Coach, will you ever weigh in my [post]question?

The ever-loving poet!

[Ready2Change]

The other part of me says, "Absolutely, positively no. Let him sink in his own sh__!" But then I wonder, "Is that really the Godly thing to do?"

Poet, questions to ask yourself:

Where does your responsibility end and his begin?

Will you be ENABLING irresponsible behavior?

[Coach]

Coach, will you ever weigh in my [post]question?

Sure since you asked. Can you point in the right direction, where is the question?

[Ready2Change]

give him this type of prepared speech...

"Well, I have been doing some thinking. Here is what I have decided. I have seen you move out and then move back in. Not a word from you about what is going on with us and your certainly don't make much of an effort to make this marriage better. Your kids are scared you are going to leave again, you don't tell them when you are going or when you will be home and you don't give me the sense that you really want to be here with me."


(NOW for the important part of the speech)....."I have decided (and say it exactly with those words of "I HAVE DECIDED) that isn't what I WANT. I don't want a man that can't or won't be a partner and I most certainly don't want a man that just up and leaves and comes and goes as he pleases.

So, I have decided that I think it would be best if you found another place. The sooner the better. I won't live like this anymore.
Maybe go back to your sisters or whatever. I would like you to be out within two weeks."


And then tell him that is all you have to say and walk away. There is nothing more to talk about. He may call you and think you are bluffing. It is my firm belief that you MUST follow through on what you told him. You need to put him through a crisis of major proportions. He either steps up to the plate or you are moving on down the road....


Remember, I told you that your fear could paralyze you. You can not let this man keep intimidating you. You have to take charge and be strong. The whole relationship can be turned around with a tough stance here. Being a weak doormat isn't working. He will just keep coming and going as he pleases UNTIL YOU make a stand. You can't force him to be what you want him to be. However by letting him believe you are letting him go and maybe even wanting him to go, you will have a chance to put him through his much needed crisis about what is really important to him.

Be strong. If he says he will leave after your speech, then LET HIM. Call his bluff. Do not live this way. Better to know now.

Here is my spin on it:

I have seen you move out and then back into this house and not one word from you about what is going on with us. I feel you are not putting effort into this marriage. You give me the sense that you really don't want to be here with me.

(NOW for the important part of the speech)....."I have decided (and say it exactly with those words of "I HAVE DECIDED) that isn't what I WANT. I don't want a man that can't or won't be a partner and I most certainly don't want a man that just up and leaves his family as he pleases.

(AND THE SECOND IMPORTANT PART : TWO options : Work on the marriage or get the F out) Put the burden of choice ON HIM.

If you want to be married to me, I want:

1) Counseling
2) Complete transparency
3) .....(You and others can fill this in)

Otherwise I will file for D and I would like you completely moved out by the end of this weekend.

Doing this at a public place is a good option, or Email, or person to person if it is safe.

[goldeylox]

Excellent thread. Lots to think about. Peace.

[Ready2Change]

Remember that you don't give her control......she needs to worry about what "you" will decide to do.....not what she decides. If she brings up the subject of coming back, you need to tell you that you will have to have time to think long & hard about staying with a woman who has walked out on her H & child.

[Ready2Change]

A good indicator that I need to set a boundary is ANY FEAR based emotion. When I feel angry, it is time to reflect on what boundary I DID NOT SET, and then set one. Asking 5 why's typically gets me to the real issue. Using this thought process created my latest boundary:

"When you do not respond to my questions and expect me to answer your questions, I feel disrespected. I want an answer to my question before I answer anymore of your questions. Do you want a flexible or rigid parenting arrangement?"