So, new to the forums, and confused by everyone's love of the acronym, but I'm just looking for perspective from those who have been where I am, which is probably most everyone here.
Found out wife was having an affair with one of her "bosses" at her work. She had initially admitted to it being "an emotional" affair, but one of our neighbors told me the truth. My wife admitted to going to a hotel at noonday in July with this guy. The rest of the blanks can be filled in accordingly. Since that day, 9/1, we have been in counseling together.
My problem is that I'm stuck between protecting myself from her hurtful behaviors (I believe the affair is still going on as of last weekend) and "putting on a happy face" to help win her back. Up until last week, I've been monitoring phone records, etc, but that simply exhausts me. As I've read before on here, I know she's lying. But she continues to wear her wedding ring (at least around me), go to counseling (she says she thinks our sessions are getting better every time, I feel like we're not addressing her continued infidelity and lying), and sleep in the same bed as me, though we seldom hug or kiss.
I signed up for phone coaching, and the first call was helpful. Just feels hard to make it day to day when I feel like she is being sneaky. For instance, she just called me on her way home from dropping my oldest son off at a bday party, and said that one of her girlfriends wanted to meet her for dinner tonight and asked if it was ok with me...Really? I don't believe anything she says. Just feels like I'm handing her over to that guy, on a platter.
Welcome. I am sorry that you are here. But you have come to a good place to find support, advice, and others who have been or are currently in similar sitchs.
I don't have any advice for you, but many others on this forum with chime in.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Norseman. Sorry/welcome. Look at second thread on this Newcomers list"abbreviations" for definitions. Get DR Book. Vent, journal, here. Try out thoughts, actions here for advice before executing. Read everything by PuppyDogTails, Gucci Loafer, Robx, and others who advise, among other things saying,"I will not share my wife with another man, etc." You are at the right place. Telecoaching is great.
Also read "Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (II) at top of thread list. Look up Coach, Greek, Sandi2 as well and read their cogent, invaluable adviuce. Antlers, too. Me, I'm more of a Rah, Rah, Go do it kinda guy. My advice far less effective than thos I've listed above. And that list is only a paertial one. Read as many posts as you can. You will find many similaar to yours that will resonate. Good luck and prayers. Talk to you soon.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks for your responses. I just read the DB Quotes thread, and it was very helpful for me with regards to keeping perspective.
Part of what I think is so hard about all this is the loneliness that we probably all feel going through what we all know is a difficult process.
I'm going to take it day by day, and pursue what makes me happy and what makes me better. One of the things I've always known about myself is that I'm brave, and I'm willing to ensure some pain when I can stay focused on the reward at the other end of the battle. So I will do that.
By the way, I brought up my feelings tonight prior to her leaving, simply addressing them as "here's how I'm feeling, and I just wanted to share it with you." No obligations. She said, "How can I help you feel better about this?" and I mentioned being home at a reasonable time. She texted me then, on her way home, and is now in bed with me at a reasonable time. Though she's asleep. And I'm typing. Haha.
I'm going to come out of this better than I was before, in many ways: -a better husband -a less critical person in general -best physical shape of my life (and I'm an ex collegiate athlete, so!) -more patient -more faithful with my religion -a better, more engaged father (and I think I do a good job already) -in better financial shape -I'm going to pursue more hobbies that I've let go over the years
Also, could you say a bit more on "I believe the affair is still going on as of last weekend". Have you set your boundaries? Who "filled in the blanks - your W? Knowing the baseline of your sitch and what you're dealing with, as well as thinking through the boundaries you can / cannot live with would be a start.
Do you have any kids and how long have you been together?
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Yeah, be careful that you haven't just given her your tacit approval of "It's okay if you're having an affair, so long as you're home at a decent time."
Puppy, you bring up a good point, and something I am struggling with. The other guy is one of my wife's "bosses" at the bank she works at. So she will see him, not daily, but probably weekly. She made it clear that she isn't going to give up her job (though there has been a merger recently, and she might be pushed out in the next year) because she is "good at it."
I know the affair is still going on as of a week ago because I grabbed her phone and read her texts. She had been out that night for a "girls night out" and early the next morning I checked her texts, and she had cancelled her plans with "the girls," using my job (I am a doctor) as an excuse. I called her out on it (chasing, I know...) without revealing that I read the texts, and she said she baited me by sending fake texts so she could see if I had been spying on her.
We haven't brought that up since last week when it happened. I just don't feel like I know how to toe the line between getting myself a life again and chasing her (by telling her I don't want her going out anymore).
Suggestions? It feels, in my gut, like I'm simply approving of her sneakiness when I don't say anything. But it feels like I'm pushing her away if I do anything else.
And yes, we have two boys, 8 and 5. Loves of my life. When I brought up separation early in counseling, she agreed to it, but then said, "I assumed you would move out, not me."
Why not file for divorce. Hand her "the papers" and if she asks why tell her, "It takes alot more than sneakiness and being baited to get over being cheated on."
Puppy, you bring up a good point, and something I am struggling with. The other guy is one of my wife's "bosses" at the bank she works at. So she will see him, not daily, but probably weekly. She made it clear that she isn't going to give up her job (though there has been a merger recently, and she might be pushed out in the next year) because she is "good at it."
I know the affair is still going on as of a week ago because I grabbed her phone and read her texts. She had been out that night for a "girls night out" and early the next morning I checked her texts, and she had cancelled her plans with "the girls," using my job (I am a doctor) as an excuse. I called her out on it (chasing, I know...) without revealing that I read the texts, and she said she baited me by sending fake texts so she could see if I had been spying on her.
We haven't brought that up since last week when it happened. I just don't feel like I know how to toe the line between getting myself a life again and chasing her (by telling her I don't want her going out anymore).
Suggestions? It feels, in my gut, like I'm simply approving of her sneakiness when I don't say anything. But it feels like I'm pushing her away if I do anything else.
You have to do what's best for you, but if my wife had admitted to me that she had hooked up with her boss for a nooner back in July, I wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed with her and all nicey-nicey this week.
Based on your earlier convo:
Quote:
By the way, I brought up my feelings tonight prior to her leaving, simply addressing them as "here's how I'm feeling, and I just wanted to share it with you." No obligations. She said, "How can I help you feel better about this?" and I mentioned being home at a reasonable time. She texted me then, on her way home, and is now in bed with me at a reasonable time.
I would have suggested you say:
NM: Make no mistake, I love you, but I will not live in an open marriage, and I will not tolerate being openly disrespected in my own home. ("just wanted to share my feelings with you" is way too weak)
W: How can I help you feel better about this?"
NM: I'll be just fine, thank you. I do expect you to respect my boundaries, however. If you can't be home at a decent time (say, 12?), then please don't bother coming home. I also won't tolerate being lied to my face. If you can't tell me the truth about where you're going, just say you're going out, and leave it at that.
Then I would have just shook my head, and said "Unbelievable," and walked away.
