New, my story

[Heartbroken20]

Inaspin - Sorry to hear your MC was less than even you suspected, but don't be too hard on yourself for backsliding, EVERYONE backslides, it really can't be helped sometimes. BUT...pick yourself up, dust yourself off and climb back on the horse...and try not to let it happen again (though it will).

Also, you need to understand that with your W in La-La-Land, nothing you do is going to "snap" her out of it. IF (and it's a big one) she comes out of it (most eventually do), it will be in her own time and your actions don't affect the timeline much.

Seems like our LBS actions easily make things worse (like fuel on a fire) but are much less effective at making things better. So, as others have recommended, detaching and remaining calm and neutral at least takes away fuel from their fire and prevents them from further justifying their decision to leave.

There is no easy answer here, unfortunately. Hang tough.

[Inaspin]

@ HB20

You are right, all I have done is fuel the fire, and it kills me because I have known what to do, but my emotions have gotten the better of me.

I'm trying to refocus today. I have been so impatient and have not fully accepted my sitch. I need to accept that at this moment, my W wants to leave me, and that all I have done is pushed her to this point and validated all her feelings.

I have to detach completely now and make peace with the fact that it is now a probability that my M may be over. I need to focus on my S and make sure that Christmas is really special and magical for him as it may be the last one we spend together as a family.

While I do love my W, I don’t really like who she is at the moment. I realise now that a big part of me holding on like I have is my S. I love him so much, and it is killing me thinking that I will not have him in my life everyday. I am going to treasure the next couple of months with him, & try not to think about the future too much at the moment.

I have lost 4Kg's over the last month, I will be forcing myself to eat more, and will start training properly again. The one good thing to come of this is that I feel that what ever happens, I am going to be a much better person (after allot of pain though) I have a private C session next week. I need to start working on my issues and baggage. Even if my W did decide to give it another go, If I don't sort myself out, the R or any other that I may have will never work because I am stilled pretty damaged.

I have prayed again for God to give me peace and I am really trying to hand this over and let him show me a way out of the darkness.

Day by day, today I feel acceptant of my sich, I hope I feel the same tomorrow.

[Inaspin]

I have some things running through my head that I would love some input or advice on please. I am really wanting to detach and am battling to get past these things:

1. If I go and kiss my wife good buy she always kisses me, sometimes they are warm, sometimes not. should I continue to do this or stop?

2. Should I stop saying "I love you" sometimes she says it back and sometimes she says it to me without me saying it (before we go to bed). I only say it when I say good buy in the morning or @ night. should I only say it if she says it?

3. I do phone her (maybe 3 times a week) just to say high. should I stop this, she rarely phones me and it usually only when she wants something.

4. My W says "it's over" "she has made her choice" but then says "We are trying, we are going to MC and we will see where we are after that" It feels like she just scared to say outright that it is over.

thanks

[Inaspin]

Today was my S first pre-school concert.

I am feeling really low today, probably also because I am sick but my sich hit me pretty hard today, I just cannot bare the thought of not having my S in my life every day.

4 years ago we moved to a remote part of the country to be near her parents. I drive an hour into work every day, I run her fathers business for him. I work 13 hour days 6 days a week, and my W did not work for the first 2 years and has been starting her skin care and kinesiology business, she is brought in very little money and I have supported us.

if we split I will have to move back to the city as I will not be able to afford to stay where we do now on my own. I am worried as I work for her farther and I have dedicated the last 10 years of my life to this business, we had the view that I would one day take it over.

With the hours I currently work I would have very little time to spend with my S and he would be so far away it would make it even more difficult.

I feel anger and resentment towards my W, I always supported her and wanted her to be able to do what she loved in life, & now she treats me like a dog, that is only good enough to help when she wants it and use my credit cards.

If we do split, I will have to rebuild my life from scratch. The only difference for her will be that I am not in the picture (and she cant use my Credit card), She will have the support of her family, friends and she has been building up her business & life while I have been breaking my back every day. She will not even acknowledge this, and when I did say something she said that she never asked me to work like I do.

On the plus side I did not backslide today and did not show any of this emotion, It just feels like it is to hard sometimes to cope with and I just feel like giving up and telling her to get it over with!

I know I've gotta keep trying, because one more outburst and am almost certain that the M will be over for definite, It's just a crap way to live! Sorry if sounds like pitty I just needed to vent!

[SillyOldBear]

Venting here is important. It helps keep you from venting in real life at the wrong time, and I think it really helps me a lot.

What you're going through IS hard, and there's no weakness in feeling how hard it is. It's a lousy way to live. Just do the best you can and remember that nothing is forever. Nothing. Just like the good times didn't last forever, this current misery can't last forever either. You will come out the other side in some way. Right now, you're uncertain whether you'll come out the other side in your marriage or alone, and that's what makes it so miserable, but you are moving toward an end to this misery one way or another.

If this makes you feel worse instead of better, ignore it. It's just the ramblings of some well-meaning stranger on the internet anyway.

I don't know that I have good advice for you, but since others are being so quiet, I'll take a shot:

1. If you want to kiss her, I say kiss her until she says she doesn't want you to do it. Then stop completely.

2. If you get to the point where you're detaching, you're going to have to stop saying things like this. For now, if you really believe you should be trying to save the marriage, I don't think it hurts as long as you mean it.

3. This would be a good place to start experimenting with detaching. It does sound like your phone contact is going in only one direction. Let her call you. Limit your calls to when you need to contact her about something immediately important, like who's going to pick up your son. Don't call just to say hello or see how she's doing. If you have to, every time you think about calling her, call someone else. Let her begin to get a feeling for what it's like without you. This is not done out of revenge, but because she's thinking of removing you from her life and she may not be thinking clearly about what that's really going to be like. She's probably imagining a less-than-realistic kind of charmed life where she reaches her full potential as a kinesthesiology entrepeneur and all the things she doesn't like about her life get solved somehow. Let's face it, if getting divorced made all that happen, maybe she'd be right to do it, and unless you let her see life without you at least a little, she won't find out what it's really like until she's gone too far to come back.

4. This one isn't really a question . . . but I think the question you're asking is whether what she's saying makes sense. It doesn't, but that's because she's confused, too. She sounds like she may be having a little mid-life crisis action happening. If you think it's weird and unfair, you're probably right. But that's the way it is. You can't make the choice for her, so you have to set about the business of making your choice. Do you want to save the marriage, or do you want out? If you want to save it, you are going to have to do the things you can control and let the rest fall where it falls.

Have you read the books on Divorce Busting? If not, I recommend it. I haven't read them myself; I read The Sex-Starved Marriage because that was my issue. My wife and I knew without a doubt that we wanted to be married to each other if we could make it work, and truthfully, if I could have resigned myself to a sexless marriage and just kept getting along, I probably wouldn't even have read the book or come here.
I'm just parroting the divorce busting advice I've read here; I'm so far from being an expert that I can't see it from here, so don't take my advice as anything but free advice.

[Inaspin]

Thanks sillyoldbear, you make good points.

I know that I want to save my M, but I know that I cannot control the way my W feels and that what I want may not be possible.

I am going to re-focus from today. I am on a journey finding GOD, this is very important for me and it is something I am going to focus on. I have been in pain my whole life and have never faced it, it is the reason I am where I am today. I have been damaged and the guilt & pain made me run from facing my problems, I never loved myself, so how could I have loved my W the way she deserved to be loved.

I am going to focus on making this Christmas really special for my S, I will make sure that if this is the last one we spend together as a family, that his memories of it will last a lifetime.

I have not backslid for 1 week today, so I'm going to continue on this road and deal with it one moment at a time, It's just bloody hard to put into practice!

[Inaspin]

Just recieved this text message from W

"Trusting in God won't make mountains smaller, but it makes the climbing easier. May God give u the strength 2 climb any mountain that may come in ur way! Have a great day! God Bless!"

I just responded "I do trust for the 1st time that the clime is possible. There is light where I only saw darkness. Thank u for that, hope you have a great day"

It's hard to know how to take a text like that, On the one hand it is good because she is thinking of me, but on the other it's like she is saying that God will help through her leaving me.

The frame of mind I'm in I am looking for any sign, so maybe the best way for me to look at it is as a text that W revieved from someone else and she thought it was relevant to send to me.

[SillyOldBear]

I think you've got the right idea today. I wish others were here to give advice. You're right to try to avoid analyzing the text message; it's positive, and it's probably best to leave it at that. There will be a tendency to look for the fourth layer of hidden meaning beneath everything she does, and even when she does have motives below the surface, it gets exhausting for her to deal with the constant analysis of her every move. It's perfectly understandable why we do it, but it still pushes them away.

Your focus on your son is the right thing to do. Even if the marriage ended, he would still be there and still need you, and you have a lot of control over how this whole process affects him. Secondarily, it's a good distraction to keep you from obsessing over your wife. We do it because we love them, but again, it pushes them away. You have to be able to focus on yourself and your son and let her figure out what she wants.

You will backslide again, but as long as you get up and keep going you'll be OK in the end. Keep at it and do the best you can.

[Inaspin]

Thanks SOB (lol)

I am going to focus on peace in the house so that S will only have happy memory's of us together if the M does end.

I think the key is 1 day at a time and believe that God will help me climb the everest in front of me. just need to get this knife out my stomach first!

[Inaspin]

Journaling:

Still having trouble sleeping, wake up @ 4:30 with that anxious feeling, watch W get dressed and go to gym.

I have my first IC session today. I need to start focusing on me, and letting go of this. I realize that 99% of my backslides have been driven by fear, and that can only lead to bad things.

I feel my sitch has spiraled out of control since the Bomb. I know that most of that is due to my actions. I need to move out of victim mode and accept reasonability.

I know I must not let these emotions control me. I'm hoping IC will help me sort through some of them and start moving forward. I have been stuck in this pit for too long now.

Today is a new day to get it right. I will not stop until I do.