Is that (possibly) because ones spouse never does anything good in a dream?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
All the dating naysayers out there, this is why it works.
It's also not the only thing that is effective. Dating isn't a cure all. If it was would you still be where you are?
It's the mindset/attitude that you need to develop. "I'll be fine without you. I want you, I don't need you. If you don't want to be married to me then I will find someone else to share my love with." This is loving detachment.
Now you are internally validating yourself instead of needing the external validation. This is a much healthier place to begin any new relationship.
You can be a great DBer, go date, detach, GAL, 180, act as if all you want, still doesn't mean you are going to save your marriage. While it only takes one person to change the dynamic, it does take two to have a great marriage. In the end you are only half the equation. You can't control the other half.
This is the brutal reality, most of the people who post here don't save their marriages. A real DBer will save themselves regardless of the outcome. Have a open mind, try new things - if they work keep doing it, and be responsible for your own happiness.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
All the dating naysayers out there, this is why it works. Kalni is just one example of detachment & dating others.
rob, just a note: in my case, H had no idea I was dating, because...I wasnt!. I fell in love with a man a few thousand miles away and H knew I wasnt going out much etc. BUT, he saw I was happy, glowing, (everybody around me noticed), calm and very friendly to him EXACTLY like I would be to a friend I had no romantic feelings for.
I was very careful for him NOT to find out. Because I didnt want it to be used during a custody fight and didnt want him to feel "we were even", didnt want to make his A right.
DBing saved us from a quick divorce. VERY critical. Gave him time.
His A started fading AS SOON AS they lived sometime as a couple and reality hit him. It lasted this long because he is a weak man and couldnt fight the addiction of being high and admired etc etc STANDARD OPS as we say. TEXT BOOK.
As I was backing off, she was getting demanding:wanted to rent an aprt together, spend time with MY kids etc etc things he didnt feel comfortable with.
He was ashamed. In our case, played a big role.
I completely lost my "edge", the smart ass comments, I was naturally positive and friendly.
He came back on his OWN time, pushed a bit forward by my "happy face".
He didnt break it up with her last year and was going thru withdrawal and was missing her.
GUILT is what he is dealing with now, HURT is what I am dealing now.
I am looking for and struggling for forgiveness, for myself. I am bitter inside and wounded. K
Ohhh and what REALLY scared him was once when I was ASKING for the D, because I was fed up waiting for him, and calmly told him, " We are friends, we have kids, I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy too, lets do it in a civilised way" -Apil 08.
He refused to proceed and told me he never wanted a divorce. He was shocked that day. He knew I meant it and that I would be fine without him. It took him another 6 months before he told me he wanted to "try" and after I had just come back from a trip to NY.
All the dating naysayers out there, this is why it works.
It's also not the only thing that is effective. Dating isn't a cure all. If it was would you still be where you are?
It's the mindset/attitude that you need to develop. "I'll be fine without you. I want you, I don't need you. If you don't want to be married to me then I will find someone else to share my love with." This is loving detachment.
Now you are internally validating yourself instead of needing the external validation. This is a much healthier place to begin any new relationship.
You can be a great DBer, go date, detach, GAL, 180, act as if all you want, still doesn't mean you are going to save your marriage. While it only takes one person to change the dynamic, it does take two to have a great marriage. In the end you are only half the equation. You can't control the other half.
This is the brutal reality, most of the people who post here don't save their marriages. A real DBer will save themselves regardless of the outcome. Have a open mind, try new things - if they work keep doing it, and be responsible for your own happiness.
Going out on a limb here, but wouldn't "bringing back" a WAS through dating (i.e., jealousy) run square into a problem with this precept: that unless the WAS decides to work on the M FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, any "reconciliation" is condemned to be temporary? I mean, if we agree that the WAS should return if, and only if, it is based on wanting to work on the M and wanting to win back the LBS, then wouldn't that exclude WAS returning because of jealousy (LBS now dating) or guilt (return for the kids)?
And if the WAS returns because of jealousy, isn't that not only a temporary victory, but a hollow one as well. Jealousy would mean the WAS doesn't necessarily care about the LBS, they just don't want someone else to have the LBS. It's the classic case of I am jealous of what you have but I don't want what you have, I just don't want you to have it?
Maybe dating can shake up the WAS (and it may be one way to lead to reconciliation), but does it lead to reconciliation or just more problems?
H NEVER thought I would be falling in love with someone else. I was taken for granted big time. You know how I know? He hacked my email to delete all the proof I had so I would stop going thru it over and over again (I was going nuts couldnt believe my eyes)and was TOTALLY surprised to find MY emails and read about my feelings for another man. To this day, he has only mentioned it ONCE while calm and told our friends he obviously cant hold it against me since he saw it only started after he said he would finally divorce me (agreed to my request).
I believe he is jealous now and realised I am still lovable and not HIS "property"... K
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
All the dating naysayers out there, this is why it works.
It's also not the only thing that is effective. Dating isn't a cure all. If it was would you still be where you are?
It's the mindset/attitude that you need to develop. "I'll be fine without you. I want you, I don't need you. If you don't want to be married to me then I will find someone else to share my love with." This is loving detachment.
Now you are internally validating yourself instead of needing the external validation. This is a much healthier place to begin any new relationship.
You can be a great DBer, go date, detach, GAL, 180, act as if all you want, still doesn't mean you are going to save your marriage. While it only takes one person to change the dynamic, it does take two to have a great marriage. In the end you are only half the equation. You can't control the other half.
This is the brutal reality, most of the people who post here don't save their marriages. A real DBer will save themselves regardless of the outcome. Have a open mind, try new things - if they work keep doing it, and be responsible for your own happiness.
Going out on a limb here, but wouldn't "bringing back" a WAS through dating (i.e., jealousy) run square into a problem with this precept: that unless the WAS decides to work on the M FOR THE RIGHT REASONS, any "reconciliation" is condemned to be temporary? I mean, if we agree that the WAS should return if, and only if, it is based on wanting to work on the M and wanting to win back the LBS, then wouldn't that exclude WAS returning because of jealousy (LBS now dating) or guilt (return for the kids)?
And if the WAS returns because of jealousy, isn't that not only a temporary victory, but a hollow one as well. Jealousy would mean the WAS doesn't necessarily care about the LBS, they just don't want someone else to have the LBS. It's the classic case of I am jealous of what you have but I don't want what you have, I just don't want you to have it?
Maybe dating can shake up the WAS (and it may be one way to lead to reconciliation), but does it lead to reconciliation or just more problems?
Your spouse having an affair (for those LBS's with WAS's who are having affairs), what prompted you to action?
Your WAS leaves and pursues someone else, and you pursue them, you accept the DB'ing process and resolve yourself to improve yourself for yourself first and also to stop the divorce and piece back a marriage.
Is this correct?
So your spouse having an affair prompted you to action whereas before the affair happened, what prompted you to action? What prompted you to change and win back your spouse?
Until the affair happened, you probably didn't do much to change what you were doing.
You were prompted to action based on the crisis situation that you were thrown into: your spouse pursuing a relationship with someone else.
Maybe Dating isn't the be all end all solution, I never said it was but if you take a look at it, it accomplishes what your spouse's affair accomplished - moving you to action and in this case moving them to action.
Ohhh and what REALLY scared him was once when I was ASKING for the D, because I was fed up waiting for him, and calmly told him, " We are friends, we have kids, I want you to be happy. I want me to be happy too, lets do it in a civilised way" -Apil 08.
He refused to proceed and told me he never wanted a divorce. He was shocked that day. He knew I meant it and that I would be fine without him. It took him another 6 months before he told me he wanted to "try" and after I had just come back from a trip to NY.
ADVICE: never underestimate your gut feeling. K
Something I've also mentioned on these forums a few times, spouse wants a divorce, agree with them, in fact take the lead in getting there.
Alot of WAS's are cake eaters (the cake is good n'est pas?), they like to have their cake & eat it too (on a side note, has anyone ever wondered about this expression? of course you want to eat your cake, someone gives you a piece of cake, you have your cake, you obviously have cake to eat it, it's a food, what's up with that?! LOL!)
So they will enjoy living in limbo, testing the waters, having a good life, new found freedom on the planet fruitopia where the skies are always blue & sunny and the weather is balmy: tshirts, shorts & flip flops!
Instead of living in limbo, you decide your life is not meant to be wasted waiting for your spouse to snap out of their funk or FOG as it's so commonly called.
Tell them you want the divorce, hasten the process, start dividing assets, determine costs, set a date, get some legal consultations, really start to move on, pack personal items, preparing for moving to a new home/apartment.
It then becomes real.
It's one thing to say it, but its another thing to pursue it.
In fantasyland, they can take their time and enjoy the fresh air while you live in reality where the smog can be a little hard on the sinus's.
Speed it up, make it real and all of a sudden they're sucked into reality and the work involved in a divorce.
dream, it is normally with someone else. (or even an unknown nameless "Other" ) 