Coach, I honestly don't even see a dig unless one is hypersensitive. She acknowledged his intentions and prefers he do it another way...she even called it a "wish" indicating that she knows the limitations of her entitlement with Antlers. This is really no biggie. I am interested in why you guys don't see the simplicity in this one...
Ever since she left, she has known that I didn't want our marriage to end...and she used the power that she had (she was already detatched) to totally dictate things to me, regarding the kids or whatever. She felt 'entitled' to dictate nearly everything to me. She even felt entitled to dictate things to me, about the kids, while the kids were with me! And she still feels that power and sense of entitlement. If a "piece of candy is just a piece of candy" and it's no biggie...then why even mention it to me in the first place?
My point was that in THIS case, she would rather they not have candy. It is IMO, an okay thing to express as co-parent. It does not necessarily have to trigger the cascade of past events and dynamics.
Kids had to come by and pick something up this morning after I had left for work, and I left a note for my daughter along with a pack of candy. Got a text from their mother later on that basically said I guess what she's doing to them and our family isn't "so unhealthy for them"!
that's called projection. blow the dig at you off.
"Thanks for noticing wife. What do you wish I could do better next time?"
Coach, I honestly don't even see a dig unless one is hypersensitive. She acknowledged his intentions and prefers he do it another way...she even called it a "wish" indicating that she knows the limitations of her entitlement with Antlers. This is really no biggie. I am interested in why you guys don't see the simplicity in this one...
Quote:
"It's nice that you do stuff for the kids but I wish you wouldn't do it with candy.
That's her comment and wish, fair enough.
Quote:
It's so unhealthy for them."
That's a dig. The man has lost a lot of weight, has trained and completed ultra-long bike rides. He knows what is healthy food and what is not.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
When I have my kids with me, I like to limit their sugar intake. I don't see anything wrong with her making that request. You know exactly what she meant. She didn't say it was the worst thing, as bad as divorce, she said "I wish you wouldn't do it with candy..." It is a request. You both (Antlers and K4D) are really convoluting the issue IMO. You really can't co-parent if you go to the "but you are ruining their lives by divorcing..." place.
Just my two cents.
Kinda like when she was moving out, she would only move stuff at night so the neighbors wouldn't see! She didn't mind ripping our family apart...she just didn't want the neighbors to see it!
Massive diversion dude. You know I'm on your side and that's why I'm telling you that if your mind goes to her moving out and ripping your family apart when in receipt of a request to give the kids less sugar (basically), you've got work to do. You only feel controlled because of where YOUR mind goes with this stuff. I want to encourage you to let the little stuff roll off of you, there are plenty of big fish to fry. I spent a lot of time indulging here venting and getting all of the affirmations that H was wrong or a jerk or whatever. Ultimately, I was keeping myself tethered and stuck.
Kids had to come by and pick something up this morning after I had left for work, and I left a note for my daughter along with a pack of candy. Got a text from their mother later on that basically said I guess what she's doing to them and our family isn't "so unhealthy for them"!
that's called projection. blow the dig at you off.
"Thanks for noticing wife. What do you wish I could do better next time?"
Coach, I honestly don't even see a dig unless one is hypersensitive. She acknowledged his intentions and prefers he do it another way...she even called it a "wish" indicating that she knows the limitations of her entitlement with Antlers. This is really no biggie. I am interested in why you guys don't see the simplicity in this one...
Quote:
"It's nice that you do stuff for the kids but I wish you wouldn't do it with candy.
That's her comment and wish, fair enough.
Quote:
It's so unhealthy for them."
That's a dig. The man has lost a lot of weight, has trained and completed ultra-long bike rides. He knows what is healthy food and what is not.
I'm going with Mars/Venus here. It really is NOT a dig from my POV...why take it as a dig? Those topics are touchy. She's human and maybe didn't find the perfect phrasing. It is not some heavy blow to his parenting or manhood.
When I have my kids with me, I like to limit their sugar intake. I don't see anything wrong with her making that request. You know exactly what she meant. She didn't say it was the worst thing, as bad as divorce, she said "I wish you wouldn't do it with candy..." It is a request. You both (Antlers and K4D) are really convoluting the issue IMO. You really can't co-parent if you go to the "but you are ruining their lives by divorcing..." place.
Just my two cents.
Kinda like when she was moving out, she would only move stuff at night so the neighbors wouldn't see! She didn't mind ripping our family apart...she just didn't want the neighbors to see it!
Massive diversion dude. You know I'm on your side and that's why I'm telling you that if your mind goes to her moving out and ripping your family apart when in receipt of a request to give the kids less sugar (basically), you've got work to do. You only feel controlled because of where YOUR mind goes with this stuff. I want to encourage you to let the little stuff roll off of you, there are plenty of big fish to fry. I spent a lot of time indulging here venting and getting all of the affirmations that H was wrong or a jerk or whatever. Ultimately, I was keeping myself tethered and stuck.
How's everything else going for you?
Not an intentional diversion...just making a point of how irrational and unreasonable and hypocritical a WAS can be. I know you're on my side and I have always appreciated your contributions to me. I have learned to let TONS of stuff roll off of me over these many months.
I'm doing fine, under the circumstances. The legal proceedings of the divorce are in progress. I'm enjoying the kiddos when they come over. I have trouble with them occasionally because they have told me of the badmouthing that she does about me to them. She warned me not to do this when she left because it was so bad for the kids, and I haven't, and she does TONS of it! I've been riding a lot...weather permitting...took a 60 mile bicycle ride yesterday and it was medicinal in so many ways. And I've been enjoying my work much more than I have in many, many years. Now I've gotta start decorating the house for Christmas...kiddos want it lit up!
Thanks for asking. How are things going for you?
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'm going with Mars/Venus here. It really is NOT a dig from my POV...why take it as a dig? Those topics are touchy. She's human and maybe didn't find the perfect phrasing. It is not some heavy blow to his parenting or manhood.
She's made plenty of heavy blows to my parenting and manhood though...especially to our kiddos.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Now let it go and just concern yourself with what Antlers is doing.
---
You and I have got to go for a ride sometime.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
I'm going with Mars/Venus here. It really is NOT a dig from my POV...why take it as a dig? Those topics are touchy. She's human and maybe didn't find the perfect phrasing. It is not some heavy blow to his parenting or manhood.
She's made plenty of heavy blows to my parenting and manhood though...especially to our kiddos.
I really get this and that is why I am encouraging you to really try to differentiate so that you are not always feeling f*cked with. You know what I mean?
I'm doing pretty darn great under the circumstances! Trying to analyze a little less and get logical.
The kids' stuff is the hardest. Believe me, I am absorbing the bulk of my kids' pain and hostility. I can only think of "that which doesn't kill you...." but sometimes it gets me down.
Most important is to do what works to stay afloat and emotionally balanced. I'm finally recognizing what works for me...it's a start.
