New, my story

[Deep]

Hi, I don't really know your sitch (and multiple posts) well, but just dropping in to add some encouragement.

It's great that you have chosen to focus on God and yourself. Now, just BELIEVE. And I don't think you should over-obssess about losing your S. He's your S, period. You will want to minimize any fallout from the sitch of course.

Re your W, sorry if I'm not clear about this, but have you confirmed the validity of an EA/OM? It does make a difference in how you deal with some things.

For that reason, I'm not sure if you have set boundaries with W and if the questions you ask will encourage cake-eating. Continued "friendliness" is not amenable to detaching in any case IMO.

[Inaspin]

Hi Deep

Thanks for the input. I have not confirmed EA, I thought there may have been one, but I think I was looking for reasons. she is seeing a Kinesiology councilor.

She was only working on her self, and I know for sure that she came to her decision to leave me on her own. He and his W do care about her as they are friends, and they are only supporting her own decisions.

The more I look at my sitch, the more I understand why my W wants to walk away. Reality is a tough pill to swallow. While she is not innocent, the majority has come from me.

I realize that I tried to guilt & manipulate her in to believing the problems we had were coming from her.

The pain I am now feeling is based more on my actions of late and in the past, and I am determent not to fall into victim mode. I will take reasonability this time.

I will do my best for my S, it will not help my sitch anyway if I am an emotional wreck, so I am really trying to snap out of it.

I am for the first time acknowledging the pain, I just need to find a way of moving past it, I hope to start to achieve that with IC session in a couple of hours.

[Inaspin]

Ok so just got back form first IC session. It is a Christian based C which is good for me.

I prayed hard for God to show me away forward. I am reading a book called "Life's Healing choices" by John Baker. It is based on the celebrate recovery program.

I read in the book about support groups but I could not find any in South Africa. I told the C about the book and she was happy to say that there is a support group for it in the church.

I feel that God herd me for the first time, as I was sure I would have to do the exercises in the book alone. This is a big step for me and a good starting point to finally sorting myself out.

The C did suggest that I would need to write a letter to W. She said that I should only say to her that I understand what I had done in our R, and admit to the things I had done to cause pain.
I do not know if this is a good idea at this stage, any input?

I feel that I have unconsciously emotionally abused my wife, I want apologies for this, not to get her back, but let her know that it was not her fault and that I accept responsibility for it. The guilt I feel for this is immense.

The pain is still there, but at least my head is not all over the place. That is a good sign. Like my C said, one foot infront of the other.

[Heartbroken20]

Inaspin - Glad you felt the IC was helpful to you. That's usually a good sign for future progress. My W and I were never able to find someone who was focused on helping us SOLVE our problems rather than discover why we felt the way we did.

We are now starting the divorce process as she refuses to work on the marriage any longer. So take my advice for what it's worth.

Only you can decide on whether the letter seems like the right thing to do. It seems like a lot of C's recommend writing letters so maybe it is. But I also believe where there's smoke, there's fire and your W's strong attachment to her guru is suspect to me. You may have done (or not done) things you should have in the past, but her refusal to now invest her energy in your M, rather than her escape into K-stuff, is really hurting your chances to work things out.

My W's EA was in full swing during the 2 years of our MC together (and may still be deep in her heart), so needless to say, there was no interest or commitment on her part to try to work things out. We have now commenced D proceedings as she refuses to work on our M any more (EA may still be ongoing). She says she "tried everything" but with the OM in the picture, we both know she wasn't REALLY trying and consequently, it was a foregone conclusion we would eventualy divorce.

I would also be careful about labeling your actions as "emotional abuse". I obviously don't know how you treated your W but would hazard a guess that you may not have been the husband you should have been but unless you were TRULY abusive in your dealings with her, it is unfair to you to be labeled as an "abusive" husband.

Sounds like the C-based group at your church may be helpful to you. I've always believed God doesn't always control each and every thought/action we take (that's why he gave us our own brains) but that he usually presents us with choices in life. Since everyone knows deep down what's right or wrong, it's up to us to make the right choice for us and then live with the consequences, whatever they may be.

My W has made her choice (of EA, self-interest and divorce) and I can not change it. All I can do is control my reaction to it and continue to maintain the high road. I refuse to lower myself to her level and be controlled by her twisted sense of morality. I simply can't compromise the standards I set for myself.

I am not even close to perfect but I have done nothing to warrant a divorce. But I have decided to give her what she wants and then let her live with the consequences. She claims God told her she needs to leave me while she was meditating on top of a mountain. Perhaps he did but that seems to contradict everything I've read about marriage in the Bible.

Regardless, I hope you continue to grow and become closer to God but most of all I pray he gives you both strength and peace. That way, no matter what happens, you will be better prepared for it.

[ClingingToHope]

The C did suggest that I would need to write a letter to W. She said that I should only say to her that I understand what I had done in our R, and admit to the things I had done to cause pain.
I do not know if this is a good idea at this stage, any input?

I did this on my own. I actually wrote five. One after each week of a marriage rebuilders class I took through my church. The sessions really opened my eyes to the little things I did to hurt our marriage.

After the first one, she called and we had the one good talk since I've moved out. It didn't change anything though. She didn't mention D for a month and I thought perhaps we'd reached bottom and there might be a way back.

Instead, she was meeting with a lawyer and told me four weeks ago she'd be filing soon. She hasn't yet so I'm not sure what happened.

Anyway, I felt better when writing the letters. I got all of my apologies off my chest. I know she at least opened them. I spotted them tucked into a little bag in her office.

But I'm done apologizing. I did a lot of little things wrong but nothing worth ending the marriage over. That's her MLC fog taking over.

If the letter will help you -- and only you -- then write it. But it won't cure anything. Only time and space and luck will do that.

[Inaspin]

Thanks CTH

I'm going to write the letter, but I am not sure I will give it to her at the moment.

I will only give her the letter once I am 100% sure how I feel as I am uncovering more and more things each day.

I have been doing things out of emotion for the last 6 weeks and that must stop now.

Wish me luck, have MC in 2 hours, sure I'm going to get flattened again, but I am preparing for it.

[Inaspin]

Just got back from MC, was a little strange.

Did an Imago Dialogue for the first time.

I said that I would like to listen today and let my W share. I was expecting to be hit with bricks but it was remarkably calm.

W apologized to me for resisting my growth and that she wanted me to push forward with it and not let her negativity affect me and that she had noticed the changes.

She then went on to say that she is sorry for the great sadness she has caused me, and that she knows I will be ok in the end.

She did say that she feels she needs to "go on her path" and this is not easy for her and that she does still care for me. She was in tears during the process.

She said she felt compassion and sadness for me?

I said that I was happy she had seen that the change and growth was not a ploy to win her back and that it was being done for me.

I said I accepted the reality of the situation and how she felt.

It was the first time that I saw any kind of emotion from her regarding the sitch other than anger.

We spoke very little on the drive back. I'm happy that I did not show any negative emotions before or after the session. I had no urge to backslide at all after the session.

After nearly 2 months of this rollercoaster I have no idea how I feel at the moment. I am taking time to digest today, I'm not getting sad or exited.

The good thing for me is that she revealed the ambers that are left of her love for me. I am being very carful not to read to much into this though, because she also made it clear that she was pushing on with "her path"

[Inaspin]

Hi HB 20

Only saw your post now, sorry you are moving towards D. I wish you strength and take heart in the fact that you did all you could to save your M. I hope that once it is over you will find peace and happiness again.

I know that the connection she has with her guru and her K-stuff is going to make it very difficult for us to make the M work.

You hit the nail on the head when u said that the energy she is spending with her Guru and her K stuff is damaging. Even her parents said this to me and said they did not think it was fare that all her spare time was spent with him and not together as a family.

I saw it again today in the MC session. She said she "I do care for you" but she "Needs to go on her path" I could see the conflict going on inside her.

There was a piece of paper on her nightstand last night that had bible versus and messages next it that said " Follow through" "Be decisive" "It will cost you" written on it.

All I can do now is take it day-by-day, moment-by-moment. I want this M; I will not be the one to walk away.

I will continue to work on myself, and be the best I can be for my S & me. I need to keep believing that all things are possible, but whatever happens I will be ok in the end.

[SillyOldBear]

You're doing good things. On the topic of what is and is not "emotional abuse," it's smartest to avoid labels that are also legal and medical terms of art. Better just to state the facts of what you did that now causes you regret.

My taken on this is that the letter is not going to fix anything by itself, but if you still have any hope of fixing the marriage, and you really believe you did your wife wrong, you're going to have to acknowledge that as part of the process anyway. There's no reason not to put it into a letter.

Also, I understand why you're thinking more of the right thing to do than the best strategy in a divorce, but the rest of us are not emotionally involved in your situation and, without speaking for anyone else, I admit I'm concerned that what you write can be used against you later. That's why I suggest very straightforward descriptions of what you actually did and a minimum of editorializing about how evil or abusive you now feel it was. If things progress to the point of divorce, your wife's lawyer will not take into account that you used a label like "emotional abuse" only to describe your own guilty feelings about something you did.

[Inaspin]

HI SOB

Thank you for that, I think I may have been to hard on myself. I am not happy with the way I have treated my W, but I think I was being a little harsh on myself.

This is why I said I would write the letter, but would not give it to her until I was sure that what I had said was what I really felt.

Forest Gump gave me allot of things to think about in my other post http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...385#Post1877385

I was controlled by fear the last 6 weeks. I am acknowledging the fear now; I am walking towards it and not letting it control me.

If you do not BELIEVE it will never happen. I was expecting the MC to do the work I needed to do.

I have a choice in this sitch. I choose to not give up; I choose to push forward in my life. I am not ignorant, but nothing has ever been achieved by people who did not believe in what they were trying to achieve.

The current situation is that it is not over; we are still together in the same house and bed. If that changes I will deal with that change when it happens, good or bad.

My W keeps telling me she can’t help how she feels and she is just being honest. Well neither can I and I am being honest to myself and how I feel.

I have been allowing my W feelings and actions to affect me for to long.