He wants me to agree to share house forever

[Heather]

We had our first councilling session on Friday, after he told me he was done working on the relationship, and that he would never be "emotionally or physically" intimate with me ever again. Ostensibly, we are in councilling to negotiate our co-parenting as we move forward. I have repeatedly made it clear that I am willing to work on the relationship

He is adamant that he does not want to be with me. His reasons were that I have too many expectations, and that I have emotional episodes. The example he gave of an emotional episode was when I confronted him about breaking a promise, and told him that I feel sad and angry when I see him breaking promises, and that if he makes commitments and then does not keep them then I don't think I can trust him. He sees this sort of thing as unacceptable and not "accepting him for who he is". I also have an expectation that we will have sex and occasionally spend one-on-one time with each other.

He wants me to agree to live in the same house with him, and accept that the marriage is over. He tells me that if I don't agree to this arrangement then I have to "take responsibility for breaking up the family".

He admits that he often makes promises and commitments when he doesn't really mean it. He also admits that he hasn't asked me for what he needs. He asked me for space six months ago, now he is telling me that he resents the fact that I go out more than he does. He proposed that we not eat dinner together as a family anymore, and then said in councilling that he resented it when I agreed to that proposal without a fight.

I really don't know how to proceed here. I do NOT want to agree to this co-living plan if he doesn't want to sort out the problems in our marriage and with our communication. I DO want to divorce bust, if possible, but how can I best do that?

I'm very confused.

[robx]

UMMM... NO.

He can take responsibility for breaking up the family and while he's at it for being a man, if he doesn't want the marriage, how could he expect that you will live with him forever, what is that, an "un-marriage marriage"?

What do you want?
I hear what he wants alot?
What do you want for you out of this marriage?

[Heather]

I want to have a loving, intimate relationship with a man. I was sort of hoping that would be with my husband. I love being a wife and mother, and have really invested myself in it over the last five years. We live downtown in an urban centre, and I am a SAHM. The place is cheerful and tidy, I have dinner on the table when he gets home, we have a lovely social network, lots of friends, playdates, etc. I have not put on weight, I have hobbies and friends. I'd like to be having sex at least once a week, going on dates at least once a month, and I would like it if he would remember my birthday and wedding anniversary. Is that what you mean?

[TrentC]

We had our first councilling session on Friday, after he told me he was done working on the relationship, and that he would never be "emotionally or physically" intimate with me ever again. Ostensibly, we are in councilling to negotiate our co-parenting as we move forward. I have repeatedly made it clear that I am willing to work on the relationship

Good. Now stop it; he knows how you feel. No more R conversation unless he brings it up.

He wants me to agree to live in the same house with him, and accept that the marriage is over. He tells me that if I don't agree to this arrangement then I have to "take responsibility for breaking up the family".

I can think of two words; Bull And Sh!t. Did he actually have the gall to propose this in front of a counselor? And you are actually giving this serious thought?

So you are supposed to live with him indefinitely without being married, or having any chance or starting a new relationship -- and if you don't agree you are the one at fault?

No. Hell, NO. I can't believe that you even have to think about it.

Your response should be:

"This proposal is completely disrespectful of me as a person. YOU are the one who says he is no longer in love with me. YOU are the one who says that he doesn't want to be married any more.

I cannot believe that you have the nerve to propose such an obviously one-sided "deal" and try to make me feel bad if I don't accept it.

So here is my counter-offer: you find yourself a new place to live while I file the paperwork for a divorce. Any further conversation about this will be handled through my attorney."

He has zero respect for you right now, if he thinks he can propose that arrangement and get away with it. Your job right now is to show him that you will not be pushed around anymore.

He admits that he often makes promises and commitments when he doesn't really mean it.

Because he doesn't respect you.

He also admits that he hasn't asked me for what he needs. He asked me for space six months ago, now he is telling me that he resents the fact that I go out more than he does. He proposed that we not eat dinner together as a family anymore, and then said in councilling that he resented it when I agreed to that proposal without a fight.

Again, because he doesn't respect you and is "gaslighting" -- trying to make you feel as if you are the one to blame for everything.

Why would you agree to these kinds of arrangements with no discussion? To avoid making him angry at you? Well, look where that has gotten you; time for a change.

I really don't know how to proceed here. I do NOT want to agree to this co-living plan if he doesn't want to sort out the problems in our marriage and with our communication. I DO want to divorce bust, if possible, but how can I best do that?

By scrubbing "WIPE FEET HERE" off of your forehead and standing up for yourself. If you don't do it now, then you'll find yourself in the same place all over again -- whether it's in this relationship or the next.

[Heather]

I *am* telling him I won't agree to this co-living arrangement. He is trying as hard as he can to guilt me into accepting it.

[TrentC]

P.S.:

I'm not as good at it as Puppy Dog Tails is, but the obvious lack of respect that he has for you, the level of selfishness and privilege it took for him to make that kind of proposal, and his attempts to make it "all your fault" screams Other Woman to me.

What is the likelihood of this?

Don't go snooping unless a) you're sure you can handle finding out the truth, and b) you're not likely to get caught.

[Heather]

Yeah, I know. It wouldn't surprise me, but he really doesn't have time. He is either at work, here, or at band practice once a week. He is home all weekend. It wouldn't be hard to sneak around, I have been encouraging him to get out more for years, because he constantly complains about how he doesn't have anytime to himself.

He is very passive, and, yes, he does have tendencies towards being emotionally abusive (obviously). He was physically abused as a kid, and it's pretty clear to me that he's acting that out with me. I have stopped getting sucked into the drama over the last few years, done reading about passive-aggressive men and emotional abuse, and have become far more calm and consistant with him.

I have a suspicion that that is what is bringing everything to a head.

[Heather]

I agreed to his dinner proposal because I think he is trying to get an emotional response out of me. He's trying to push my buttons so that I will be the "emotional" person he says I am.

One of his complaints about me is that I have "emotional outbursts". It's certainly true that I occasionally get frustrated and angry with him, because of his crazy-making behavior.

[robx]

I agreed to his dinner proposal because I think he is trying to get an emotional response out of me. He's trying to push my buttons so that I will be the "emotional" person he says I am.

One of his complaints about me is that I have "emotional outbursts". It's certainly true that I occasionally get frustrated and angry with him, because of his crazy-making behavior.

NOPE!

That won't cut it.

He controls your behavior?
He makes you do that?
How about assuming responsibility for your actions, a god given right that is bestowed upon every human being.

When you assume responsibility for your actions and realize the control & power you do have over your own life, you will realize that this great power enables you to do many things.

He doesn't control you, stop with this mindset.

[Heather]

Oh, for heaven's sakes, stop it. I know all about "I" statements.

How about this?

I FEEL frustrated when he makes a promise and then breaks it, because I HAVE A NEED for respect and honesty. I WOULD LIKE IT if in the future, if he can't do something he said he was going to do, that we COULD TALK ABOUT IT.