Why are you giving her such a soft landing? Stop holding her while she cries over OM. This is disrespectful to YOU. It's a great comfort to her ("Well, at least H still wants me."), but you are not a consolation prize. You are a man who is deserving of a woman who will be loyal and wants you for you...not b/c you are what's left.
Tell her that the souveniers have got to go. She's wearing his t-shirt around you? Really? In your house? In your presence? Do you matter AT ALL?
She hooked up with a bad guy that she thought was going to give her something that was missing in her M. You can be willing to work on those issues b/c it's your M, too, and you have ownership in those problems. But you are under no obligation as a H, gentleman, human being to tolerate her whimpering over losing her BF. Cut that out!
Once you get those boundaries set then you can start exploring with her why she found herself in someone else's arms - not yours. What was she looking for? What did she say that you didn't understand or not hear over the years? How can the two of you fill each others' love tanks? What kind of new marriage will you have with each other?
But first...the boundaries. Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I plan to be there for her emotionally if she needs to confide about her BF withdrawal, but the more she discloses, the more dead I am feeling. I do not know if this is her remorse, or if I am already in her mind the EX, who she feels she can confide in. She physically embraces me and I hold her and am non judgmental when she confides. But it is killing me inside. I can’t do this too much longer. I am becoming numb. Right before we went to bed last night, she put on BF’s T-shirt inside out, and told me that this old beat up coffee cup she has been using in our bathroom is BF’s. It is still sitting on the bathroom counter, and she is still wearing BF’s T-shirt sleeping peacefully as I write this. Has she completely departed from reality?
Have you BOTH?
Good lord, dude -- have some self-respect. The MOST you should do for her is say "I hate to see you hurting," or "I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is the consequences of the poor choices you made." Do NOT hug her thru it, like some gay boyfriend.
I plan to be there for her emotionally if she needs to confide about her BF withdrawal, but the more she discloses, the more dead I am feeling. I do not know if this is her remorse, or if I am already in her mind the EX, who she feels she can confide in. She physically embraces me and I hold her and am non judgmental when she confides. But it is killing me inside. I can’t do this too much longer. I am becoming numb. Right before we went to bed last night, she put on BF’s T-shirt inside out, and told me that this old beat up coffee cup she has been using in our bathroom is BF’s. It is still sitting on the bathroom counter, and she is still wearing BF’s T-shirt sleeping peacefully as I write this. Has she completely departed from reality?
Have you BOTH?
Good lord, dude -- have some self-respect. The MOST you should do for her is say "I hate to see you hurting," or "I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is the consequences of the poor choices you made." Do NOT hug her thru it, like some gay boyfriend.
Puppy
Don't you dare to be there for her emotionally so that she can confide in you about her BF?
Are you F!@#$% nuts!?
She will use you to heal herself and move on and leave you empty and how will you be after that is accomplished?
Good lord, dude -- have some self-respect. The MOST you should do for her is say "I hate to see you hurting," or "I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is the consequences of the poor choices you made." Do NOT hug her thru it, like some gay boyfriend.
Hi Oblivious, you are numb, you are hurting. Many of us on here get it, we understand. But as stated, you have to get your wits about you; just because your W has taken leave of her senses doesn't mean you have to go along for the ride. In fact, the opposite applies.
You got Coach, Robx, Puppy, and Greek dropping by already - they are absolutely immense in the advice they share. Please listen.
They can probably point out what's wrong in the way you are handling this better than I can. I don't know where to even start.
Perhaps I'll mention 2 things - 1) You appear not only buying into the classic cake eating WAS script but taking a starring role - I can hardly take in YOU saying you think your W loves you but is not in love with you. 2) Stop being Oblivious - your screen name is a worrying indication of your state of mind. Don't choose to be ignorant, weak, and a doormat.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Good lord, dude -- have some self-respect. The MOST you should do for her is say "I hate to see you hurting," or "I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is the consequences of the poor choices you made." Do NOT hug her thru it, like some gay boyfriend.
Puppy
WORD!
Are 5 whistles allowed?
Oh crap, I was WORRIED about grade inflation . . .
this is the statement of the year! tell it as it is. It has to be told as it is.
Oblivious? OMG. wake up. your wife is in love with another man. and in her devastion of being busted she clings to and wraps whatever she has of him around herself. in the same room as you.
you cannot allow this if you wish to save your marriage. SELF-RESPECT!
