I'm going with Mars/Venus here. It really is NOT a dig from my POV...why take it as a dig? Those topics are touchy. She's human and maybe didn't find the perfect phrasing. It is not some heavy blow to his parenting or manhood.
She's made plenty of heavy blows to my parenting and manhood though...especially to our kiddos.
I really get this and that is why I am encouraging you to really try to differentiate so that you are not always feeling f*cked with. You know what I mean?
Yeah, I know what you mean AAK. There's just a lot of emotions that are being dealt with right now, and the blatant rejection from someone who once cared is a hard pill to swallow.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'm doing pretty darn great under the circumstances! Trying to analyze a little less and get logical.
The kids' stuff is the hardest. Believe me, I am absorbing the bulk of my kids' pain and hostility. I can only think of "that which doesn't kill you...." but sometimes it gets me down.
Most important is to do what works to stay afloat and emotionally balanced. I'm finally recognizing what works for me...it's a start.
I too, am absorbing the bulk of my childrens pain and hostility, and it get's me down too.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'm doing pretty darn great under the circumstances! Trying to analyze a little less and get logical.
The kids' stuff is the hardest. Believe me, I am absorbing the bulk of my kids' pain and hostility. I can only think of "that which doesn't kill you...." but sometimes it gets me down.
Most important is to do what works to stay afloat and emotionally balanced. I'm finally recognizing what works for me...it's a start.
I too, am absorbing the bulk of my childrens pain and hostility, and it get's me down too.
Ok you two this is bunk. AAK, you talk about differentiation but you absorb your kids pain and hostility????? Your kids aren't you. You can love, empathise, console, encourage, and counsel them. But you can't absorb someones else's pain. Their pain is their pain, your pain is your pain. Recognise the situation, be aware of the dynamics and understand your role.
What you are teaching your kids is that they are responsible for your feelings. If I hurt then Mom hurts. I need to cheer up so Mom cheers up. You are being watched by your kids.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Whoa! It's not bunk Coach! Maybe a better choice of words would have described what I meant better...my point is this...the anger and the pain and the hostility that my children are feeling as a result of all of this is mainly being dealt with by them and I. Their mother has absolved herself of any of it. I'm not 'absorbing' their feelings...I'm dealing with the effects of their feelings (and so are they). It's a rough go, but we'll get through it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Really you know what she is thinking and feeling right now? Plus that is pessimistic thinking on your part. Do you see this? Your anger is cloudy your view a little IMO.
I called it bunk because that is a treacherous path to be on if you are feeling for your kids. It's unhealthy. I don't think you are trying to hurt your kids, just be aware.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Really you know what she is thinking and feeling right now? Plus that is pessimistic thinking on your part. Do you see this? Your anger is cloudy your view a little IMO.
I called it bunk because that is a treacherous path to be on if you are feeling for your kids. It's unhealthy. I don't think you are trying to hurt your kids, just be aware.
Cheers
No, I know only what she has told me. And she has told me that the kids aren't hurt, angry, or hostile because of anything she has done. I'm not angry...I'm hurt, disappointed, sad...I'm a lot of things...but angry? Nah.
I'm not 'feeling' for them...I'm dealing with their feelings, trying to help them deal with their feelings, and I'm on the receiving end of their 'venting' because of the feelings they are having. I'm trying to be even more loving and compassionate toward them and with them.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
It is natural especially with as hard as you have DBbusted and really worked to change yourself. You didn't want to lose this M and have this happen to your family. You worked your butt off to keep it from happening. It is natural to feel disapointed when it still doesn't come together. But look at everything you learned about yourself. You have become a great guy and a great dad and you have done things that you have enjoyed. You have a lot to offer. And you never know with time that things might still turn around. Remember who is in charge and none of us can see the road ahead. We just don't know what is going to happen. Things can change in the blink of an eye when we never saw it coming.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Have had a good time with the kids so far. Son and I got disgusted with OU today so we went out and spent time playing and put up some outside Christmas decorations. The three of us went to a friends house tonight to watch UFC 106 and had a good time interacting with others. Plan on putting out the rest of the outside decorations tomorrow and playing outside some more. Weather was soupy and rainy this morning so I didn't get to ride. Otherwise...we had a good day.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Got up early today and took a 57 mile bicycle ride...medicinal in many ways. Then spent the rest of the day playing with the kiddos. Also got the rest of the outside Christmas lights up...looks like the Griswalds! After the kids go back to their moms later on this evening, I'll have to work on some additional 'discovery' questions that the opposing counsel forgot to give us initially. I've been reading some too, and I'll try to post some good stuff (at least to me) later on tonight.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
I'll try to post some good stuff (at least to me) later on tonight.
I've had problems all of my life with self-worth, self-love, self-respect, self-esteem, etc.. I would numb the pain (feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness, and feeling unloveable) by being angry, resentful, and abusive. It cost me...huge!
I truly believe, and am learning, that what I cannot get from others is my core value, my internal sense of importance, value, worthiness, equality, and personal power - my ability to act according to my deepest values. These are too personal and too important to rely on the advice or behavior of others. They must be self-regulated. No matter how wise others are...friends, therapists, family, and authors cannot circulate your blood, metabolize the cells of your body, or regulate your core value.
People's behavior always reflects the current state of their core value.
My marriage is over, and my wife is gone. She's divorcing me. That is the brutal reality. I'm striving to be strong, powerful, secure, confident, and compassionate.
My kids are my life now, and my work is becoming more important to me. I honestly want to continue to do, and be, better than ever. I'm committed to it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Your kids aren't you. You can love, empathise, console, encourage, and counsel them. But you can't absorb someones else's pain. Their pain is their pain, your pain is your pain. Recognise the situation, be aware of the dynamics and understand your role. 
After the kids go back to their moms later on this evening, I'll have to work on some additional 'discovery' questions that the opposing counsel forgot to give us initially. I've been reading some too, and I'll try to post some good stuff (at least to me) later on tonight.