Here's my story..midlife crisis/infidelity

[January girl]

See, this is where I'm confused about what to do/how to act. He has made "no bones about it" that he wants out of the marriage and he is only staying thru the holidays. He has never said he wants to work on our marriage. He only wants to "remain friends" so that we can parent our children (age 8 and 1)together in the coming years. Part of me thinks it's best to simply be the best I can be and stop snooping/obsessing. The other part of me wants to scream and stomp around. Hmm, what to do....any thoughts??

[January girl]

Let me just say that it's sometimes VERY hard to go to counseling and hear their viewpoint about how many ways you have been a poor mate. It's like they forget all the good and fun. Don't get me wrong, some of what he said IS valid. It just makes you re-think everything you have ever said/done in the past!! On the bright side, it is making me face some areas where I need to improve.

[Ready2Change]

Part of me thinks it's best to simply be the best I can be and stop snooping/obsessing. The other part of me wants to scream and stomp around. Hmm, what to do....any thoughts??

Do BOTH.

Some choose to snoop to find "the truth" and others do not snoop to protect themselves. Make your choice.

Obsessing is not healthy. Reflect on things, make positive changes to YOU and do your best when making new choices.

It is OK to be angry. If you choose to channel that energy into screaming ans stomping, do it away from spouse. I do it a rock concerts.....

[ShockedOne]

It is a relationship, mistakes will be made on both sides. He will have some valid points, but are they things that are really that large of a problem, or are they things that are being used to justify what he is doing to himself? I know some people disagree with the WAS script, but ask any LBS and you will here the same things have been told to us all, maybe some variations, but the same thing in general nearly everytime.

[pearlharbr]

Let me just say that it's sometimes VERY hard to go to counseling and hear their viewpoint about how many ways you have been a poor mate. It's like they forget all the good and fun. Don't get me wrong, some of what he said IS valid. It just makes you re-think everything you have ever said/done in the past!! On the bright side, it is making me face some areas where I need to improve.

Keep in mind that he is looking at your M through affair-colored glasses. Most of us have had the same experience, that is why it's good to remember to believe none of what they say and half of what they do.

Last September BF and I were looking at ski condos to buy and by the end of October he was miserable and had been miserable for five years. When I decided I was done with him and he wanted me back he was making lists of all the good things in our past and about us--the same things I tried to tell him months before. And yes, he did acknowledge that I had told him all those things before and that I was right, he was wrong.

No one is perfect. Yes, you made mistakes. Yes, you have things to work on for yourself. Do that to improve yourself because it's good for you. But do NOT take on all the responsibility for your current sitch.

[January girl]

Thank you both so much for the great words of advice. It helps SO much to come here for kind words each day. I'm setting goals and working to be the best me FOR me.

[January girl]

He seemed so distant this weekend which makes me sad. He did participate with our family when he had to but then retreated into the den again and again. I simply did what I knew needed done around the house and with the kids. I'm just not sure if he will ever willingly want to spend time with me. I didn't initiate any R talk or any talk at all. The holidays seem so blaringly loud this year!

[luvless]

I'm here with you Jan - feeling like you.

Be good to yourself - all energy into you and kids is all you can do.

I feel you JG I feel ya!

[Ready2Change]

HUGS

[January girl]

I'm so ticked off!! I checked our visa account today and he charged stuff for himself within the last couple of days. We are "working together" to get bills paid and gifts purchased for Christmas and he goes out and spends money on himself!! It's like the rules continue to not apply to him. THIS is the man I have adored for years!! I feel like a complete idiot for trusting him! I texted him a reminder about communicating about our spending and NOTHING came back from him. I'm going to stay calm and focused but it hurts that he is so sneaky!!