New, my story

[Heartbroken20]

Inaspin - Thanks for your words of support, I appreciate them. Like yours, my wife has always been conflicted on the inside about divorcing me because I think she knows, somewhere deep down, that it's not the best choice in the long run. But she has always taken the advice of her divorced friends and Reiki/HT gurus over that of the MCs. It's like she's afraid to let them down more than she's afraid to let me and our children down.

Every time she showed any signs of second-guessing her decision to leave, she would call them and they'd rush to support her need to "move forward" and not "backslide" on the "progress she's made" in becoming her "highest, best self". Her idol, Christel Nani, thinks the idea of fulfilling the sacred commitment of marriage is a "tribal belief" that should be discarded as it limits one's ability to achieve their own highest potential. Putting someone else's needs before your own is also an antiquated tribal belief that prohibits someone from ever reaching their highest, best self. Therefore, there is no way she can ever stayed married to me and still reach her "full potential as a human being". Hence, we must now divorce so she can move forward on her journey of personal growth.

It's this kind of poisonous thinking, that she accepts at face value, that has contributed most to our pending divorce. Five years ago she would have laughed at this load of BS. Today, however, she believes it whole-heartedly and even preaches it to all of her other friends, who in turn, are starting to question their own marriages/relationships. It's a vicious, poisonous disease, a cult really, that is cloaked in "helping others". That's why it is nearly impossible for a marriage to survive if they are in close contact with the gurus who dish this stuff out.

I do take some comfort in knowing I have tried my best to make needed changes for myself and have done everything I can think of to save my marriage. Unfortunately, for me, it wasn't enough. Keep fighting the good fight and I hope you prevail in the end. At the very least, you will have become a better person for your efforts.

[Inaspin]

HB- I know how it feels. I do see now how hard it is going to be to get my W to see that she does not need to D to "go on her path"

Her C & friend is supporting her decision and like you said, it is almost like she does not want to let them down.

I have done well this last few days. I have not backslid and been constant in my actions and mood around W.

I am starting to understand detachment now. I still care, prepared to dig in my heals and fight, but I am also able to see that life will be ok if M does not work out, hard, but ok.

Thanks for your wishes, I am going to do my best and give it my all, then I can hand it over to God with the faith that the best outcome will prevail in the end.

[undrdg]

I hate enablers. I know how you feel inapsin. My wife's cousin is the same way. She isn't divorced, hell she doesn't even have a boyfriend, but now that my wife is "out" they are partners in crime. THere is nothing that she won't encourage.

There is nothing i can do about it, except detach.

It sucks. There are only 2 outcomes. 1 she will realize that not everything they say is right. 2 she will be stupid and continue down that path.

As hard as it is, we all have to accept the second choice and pray for the first.

Good luck my brother.

[Inaspin]

UD - At least we know there are only 2 possible outcomes. This has helped me to face the fear.

Journaling

My W keeps telling me that she has come to this decision on her own. I believe this, but I do feel that her C & friend validate her feelings. This is what friends do; my friends have done the same. But I have realized what is right for me, so I hope that she will do the same.

Up until a week ago I was giving all my power away to my W.

She feels like she is finished in the M. She has said she is only being honest and that his is how she feels.

Well I feel like the M is not finished. I see a future for us and believe that it is possible. I to am only being honest with my feelings and this is how I feel.

I allowed her negative attitude towards me to affect me, I reacted and she got the confirmation she needed that she was doing the right thing.

Well why can't my positive attitude towards her have the opposite affect.

For the first time in my life I have a clear picture about what I do not like about myself and what has been preventing me from loving myself. This gives the hope that if the worst case plays it's self out that something positive will come from this anyway.

I realized form my other posts that I wanted a quick fix to my problems, hoping that my efforts would have an immediate affect. My heart was not in it and I was acting out of fear.

I know now how much effort it is going to take if I truly want to save my M. and I can say now without doubt that I am prepared to give it 100%.

So, another new day, another chance to get it right. I have no false hope, I know that the odds are still stacked against me, but that will make the reward that much more satisfying, what ever it may be.

[Inaspin]

Journaling

had a Pretty bad weekend, backslid on Sunday. I bought a Christmas tree and S was so exited to help me put it up. W was her grumpy self and did not want anything to do with it.

She did go and get a camera and take some pics of S with the decorations.

Sunday was a tough day. W was very distant and cold. We went to church and she took S outside because he became restless. In the afternoon we took S to the park and she sparked me with a comment and I said the usual thing about not doing this to S as it was really going to hurt him, we have not given it our best shot etc.

I feel so motivated to not react, I talk to myself, bite my tongue and then she does something that pushes my button and wam, It all comes out. I really need to find a way to stop this.

She again affirmed that She does not feel the same about me and that she did not want to spend the rest of her Life with me.

She came home from Gym on Monday morning and said, she cannot give me a time frame on any decision as to how we go forward form here, and that she is just being honest how she feels. I acknowledged that.

On Monday I went to IC, which helped me refocus. I did mention about my W and her Kinesiology C. She said it was very dangerous, and that when a W gives up like mine has, there is usually a 3rd party involved on some level. She said all I can do is pray for her and work on myself.

MIL phoned me on Monday and asked how we were doing. I was honest and said no progress and W still felt the same. MIL said she is worried as she is spending all her time with her Kinesiology C and has no way of supporting herself and S if she pursues D. I said I wish she could see what everybody else see's about her C, MIL said she will pray for us.

We then went to MC, I realized in the session that although my W says she has grown and is happier, it very is much an act. She is very reluctant to participate in the MC and this has always been my biggest problem with the R. She never has a smile on her face and is negative about everything.

Till this point I still tried to kiss W goodnight and say ILY. I will stop this as of today, She does not want it and her actions are making this clear.

I have no choice now but to detach, it is only making it harder for me. I had a good night with my S. My W is only working on herself at this point, I need to accept that and do the same. My S is a great deal of joy for me and I will continue to develop that R and give him all the love I have in me, as I have no other outlet for it at this time.

I deserve happiness and to be treated with dignity and respect. I will give that to myself and will not allow my W to take that from me anymore. I have not responded to W when she treats me with disrespect but I will tell her in a positive way that It is not acceptable.

SO another new day, God, please give the strength to live it to the fullest!

[Inaspin]

One thing that I am finding very hard is that we still live in the same house and sleep in the same bed.

W is treating me pretty rough at the mo, and often snaps at me or does not even respond when I ask her something, but she is very quick to ask me to help with S or if she can use the credit card to buy food etc. She does not have a steady income and will not be able to support herself or S at the moment.

She will also make plans and not check if it is ok if I look after S, goes to Gym in the morning and I must be home for S if he wakes up. I cant go for a run as I need to leave for work when she gets back.

I have reacted for the last 6 weeks on a weekly basis, and really want to detach and drop the rope, but its almost like I am scared to lay the boundaries as I am not wanting to push her further away than she already is.

Any wise heads have any input on how to do this, I know it is necessary, but having a hard time implementing it.

[Inaspin]

I think I have managed to answer some of my questions by just going over my sitch and my posts for the last month.

I realize that I am basically going to have to start over with my approach. I have tackled this from the wrong angle and need to face the facts.

Time to front up and get some balls. I have nothing to lose. In my W eyes she is already finished, so I need to let it go.

Last night was the first night I actually detached physically, I did not try to kiss her good night or this morning. I was calm, nice but not over friendly or chatty. I realize that this is my first 180, my first step at not relying on her for my happiness. I will not allow her actions to affect me, and I will be considerate, but will not live my life waiting for her.

I got up this morning and went for a jog, and am starting to think that if we do D, it will not be the end of the world, but either way, I'm going to get a new beginning. That thought made my sitch seem more bearable, because both roads are going to be tough, so I might as well be positive about what lies ahead.

I am getting closer and closer to god each day, and realize that I can ask for forgiveness, even if I'm still a mess. He does not hold grudges, and he will help to brake free of the guilt, pain and frustration I have built up in me.

So I'm looking at this as day 2 of my journey, as I don't think I really got it until yesterday.

[SillyOldBear]

You sure sound like you're in a better situation than you were in before. You're doing the right thing with your 180. Keep it up! Holidays will probably be hard times for you, but you're doing what you have to do to give yourself a chance.

[Inaspin]

Thanks SOB

I feel that I am in a much better space. The pain is still there, but I acknowledge it and do not let it control me. Still having my moments but just need to kick on now.

I managed day 3 of detaching, W was little more relaxed around me this morning and last night, but I am not reading anything in to it as this is very early days. She bought me herbal anti stress pills and an immune booster yesterday, so at least she still thinks of me.

It is so hard for me to do this, as the fear is there that she will think I have given up and am ok with the sitch, but I know that everything else I have done to this point has only made it worse, so what do I have to lose.

My relationship with my S is stronger than ever. I find focusing and playing with him when I get home from work makes it more bearable in the house. I give him all the affection and love I have stored up for my W. It makes it easier for me knowing that this love will not be taken away from me.

We are going to a fancy dress work function on Friday night together. I am a little nervous, I am going to have to condition myself not go any ware near R talk, be overly lovey, just look at it as going out with a friend.

I have decided with help of my IC to go into a addicts recovery program. I have not smoked a joint or had a drink for some time now, but I have managed to stop before for long periods but always started up again.

Regardless of what happens with my M, I need to kill this demon once and for all. I want to be the best I can be and I need to face my addictive personality head-on and never go down that road again. This is another huge 180 for me, admitting I have a problem.

I will have to tell my W about this as I will be at meetings on week nights. I know she will think it is a ploy to get her back, but it is really for me.

So hear we go, day 4, another day to get closer to God, another day to get it right.

[Inaspin]

Journaling

Had a hard day yesterday, all the emotions of losing my W, not being able to hug and kiss her etc came flooding back during the day.

I had a backslide in that I said ILY to her at the end of a phone conversation, She did not respond so again I realized that I was causing myself pain by saying it as I know she will not respond . The good thing is that I feel I learned from it and will try to not do it again. I also managed to bounce back by the evening and let the negative emotions go.

There were two positives out of the day for me.

1. We went shopping for a costume for the fancy dress function we are going to tonight, she twice snapped at me when I asked an opinion or suggested something, I did not respond because I felt the anger in me, but did not show it and did not react on the emotions I was feeling.

2. Later that evening when we got home, she was very rude and snapped at me saying "what is wrong". I responded calmly that there was nothing wrong, but felt that the way she was speaking to me was not appropriate. She continued to try and bate me saying I was being stupid for feeling lie that etc. I then walked away and took S to bed.

When I came out of the room she came to me and said she was sorry I felt that she was being rude. I calmly said to her that I respect myself to much to continue to be treated the way I was. I said to her that my feelings were real and not "Stupid" and that I would only respond to her if she treated me with the respect that I deserve. I left the conversation there, this is a huge 180 as I tend to drag out fights and R talks. She looked at me and said "Thank You" and I actually saw a glimpse of the W that Love.

This morning she was much lighter and friendlier, nothing to get exited about, but the fact that I was able to communicate my issues without her feeling put down and trying to make her feel guilty is a major thing for me as it is the one thing that we have not been able to do for most of our R.

So baby steps in the right direction for me. I know that the emotional rollercoaster is far from over, but I do feel that I am learning to ride it a little better.

We are going to the fancy dress work function tonight. this is first time we will be out alone together since the bomb. I am a little nervous, but am going to treat her like a friend, be positive, cool and confident and avoid any negative R talks or issues.

Day 5 on it's way.