I am a WAW

[soleil]

I posted originally in WAW but have copied my post here:

I am a WAW. It's been 2 months since I moved out. Things spiralled out of hand pretty quickly for us. I always thought our relationship was fragile and it seems it crumbled so fast. I left because I got tired of my husband refusing to speak to me, being rude/mean, and making me feel like I lack something, that I'm not good enough. Not trying to play the victim here at all. I did things he didn't like and he did things I didn't like. The difference between us is that I always owned my half of the b.s. and will apologize to him. He cannot do the same. He even told me once that he will say and do things to hurt me and that my opinion doesn't mean anything to him. I told him several times that I did not like when he'd stonewall me and he continued to do it. This would last days, weeks, and the last time about 1 1/2 - 2 months. It's absolutely maddening being in your marital home with a spouse who won't speak a word to you or look at you. It broke me down so bad. Sometimes I wished he would hit me so I could just feel like he knew I existed. I know that's crazy but at least I would know that he knew I was there. I kept asking for counseling, he always refused, and finally went one time, & didn't go back. He tried talking to me twice before I left but at that point I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm so exhausted with crying and feeling numb, like a ghost. A week before I left I came home to find him packing boxes and he said he was moving out. He didn't actually leave but did it to scare me. The next day I went to put my rings on and he'd taken my engagement ring and hidden it from me, saying I'd never get it back. Little games like this. A week later I moved out. He called the cops on me saying I'd stolen from him. I wasn't able to get all my things out on time. He called me and said, Darling, come get the rest of your stuff. I drove by and he'd thrown all my belongings out on the front lawn.
It's so sad because I wish still that he could call me and say he knows how he upset me and will do counseling.
I've seen him just a few times after I moved out. It always starts well and ends with him asking me to sign the title of the house over to him (so he can lower the mortgage payments--he said the mortg. co. needs to see I'm not on the deed anymore in order to do this, he's the only one on the mortgage bill right now). I will not do this. Two weeks after I left I got papers from his lawyer "property settlement agreement/legal separation" saying what would be mine and what would be his. I know that I left but it just felt crazy seeing these papers in my hand. We spoke 11/20, that was the last time and it ended with an argument. I asked if he felt there was any chance at salvaging our marriage and he said, Not really/I don't know. He told me his "conditions" were that I need to sign the title to him and then we'll discuss whether to repair our marriage or divorce. I told him my conditions are that I'm not signing anything over to him unless I know what's up with us.
That's my story.
Married almost 3 years, together for 6, no children.

[Jstar]

some of the things your husband has done i have done. i've taken h's stuff to his mothers house. wrong wrong of me to do it, the msg i was trying sending was to get him to realize he could no longer act the way he was, make the choices he has and that i was serious. he would not take me seriously when i tried to explain things, i probably did the wrong medium and wrong time.

sounds like he's super angry and there's not much dealing with someone who is angry. my h and i don't even speak or see one another and we have d2 and another on the way.

what are you hoping to do? Goals? Have you read any of Michelle's books?

[chatterbug]

Do not sign anything without your lawyer going over the paperwork.

Seek legal advice.

I am sorry that you are here. But we will help you with what help you need. WAW or LBS. Both people hurt and need help and support.

It seems to me he is trying to bully you. I would not speak any more to this person. Only deal with him via legal means and nothing else. Make sure you get what your entitled to.

Ask and post away. As I said earlier we will help you. You are going to have to work on yourself and rebuild your self esteem. GAL is going to be very important. As is continuing to evaluate your relationship and setting boundaries.

Perhaps this is a relationship to walk away from. It does not sound like it was very healthy. Was the relationship always like this or was there triggers in life that started this downward spiral?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Soleil,

Your husband is emotionally abusive. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING.

Get legal advice immediately, if you haven't already done so, and avoid such discussions with your husband.

Puppy

[TrentC]

It always starts well and ends with him asking me to sign the title of the house over to him (so he can lower the mortgage payments--he said the mortg. co. needs to see I'm not on the deed anymore in order to do this, he's the only one on the mortgage bill right now). I will not do this. Two weeks after I left I got papers from his lawyer "property settlement agreement/legal separation" saying what would be mine and what would be his. I know that I left but it just felt crazy seeing these papers in my hand. We spoke 11/20, that was the last time and it ended with an argument. I asked if he felt there was any chance at salvaging our marriage and he said, Not really/I don't know. He told me his "conditions" were that I need to sign the title to him and then we'll discuss whether to repair our marriage or divorce. I told him my conditions are that I'm not signing anything over to him unless I know what's up with us.
That's my story.

You're doing the right thing re: the house. The "sign these papers and then we'll talk about the future of the R" is a pretty blatant attempt at manipulation. A better tactic than what you did would be to say "I'll take these to my attorney for review and let you know what I decide".

It sounds like your reasons for leaving are well-founded. I'm sorry to hear that your H isn't rising to the opportunity to try to make things better, and playing little passive-aggressive games like hiding your ring and calling the cops.

I would say you should go dark to him. Don't talk to him about anything except the divorce, and 99% of your answers should be "I'll discuss that with my attorney and get back to you". Focus on getting a life for yourself.

You did the hard thing by walking away to get his attention. Now pull back and let him stew in his juices for a while.

[Greek]

Soleil,
We'll have to pick this apart with you and help you answer some questions. But I can tell you this much RIGHT OFF THE BAT ~~~ Sister, do NOT sign that title over to him! You are in no position to make a decision like that at this time.

Greek

[Bridgestone]

Hi Soleil

What do you want.. no where in your post do I read about what you would like? Just to know where he stands with your R?

Do you want to stay married and in this R as you have described it? Are YOU someone you'd stay in an R with?

If he has seen a lawyer & had property settlement papers drawn up, has he filed for D? I would suggest you see one as well to protect yourself.

The numb & feeling like a ghost, I understand. I heard it from other women who have dealt with abusive situations like you describe (yes, ignoring your spouse for months on end & stonewalling is abusive!)

I agree with Jstar.. there is not much accomplished in dealing with someone who is angry.

Keep posting.. work on you, GAL, get a lawyer & legal advice.

Peace
Bridge

[soleil]

Thank you to everyone who has responded.

what are you hoping to do? Goals? Have you read any of Michelle's books?

I haven't read the books and as far as goals go, I'm uncertain at this point. The first time we met I mentioned counseling and he said we both had to be willing. He hasn't mentioned it again. I'd been asking him to go since Feb to no avail. He only went once. I still go alone to this day. I do want my marriage to work. Am not certain that it will though. I texted him about MC and he told me he doesn't understand me. That I'm so mean to him and then talking about MC. At least I am bringing it up, right?

GAL is going to be very important. Was the relationship always like this or was there triggers in life that started this downward spiral?

What does GAL mean?
No. Our R was not always this way, in fact he charmed me to pieces when we first met. We'd always go out and he'd be fun and willing to go with me anywhere I invited him to. Now I'm lucky if he goes anywhere with me and acts upset/bored/annoyed the entire time. He did lose his job earlier this year and I was helping him find another one, did his resume, etc. He did find one eventually but I know that was really upsetting to him. I try to be supportive of him but he says I am not.

What do you want.. no where in your post do I read about what you would like? Just to know where he stands with your R?

I would like for us to reconcile, as pathetic as that sounds. What is wrong with me? I have seen a lawyer but haven't retained one yet. He has though. He said he cannot trust me since I left him one day. Granted, my husband has never trusted me. If he even sees me talking to another male he immediately becomes upset and frustrated & says I invite male attention. It's sad to be with someone who is this way. On our anniversary this year, a friend of mine from h.s. ran into us and wished us a happy anniv. and my hub just got really quiet and looked pissed and barely talked, excused himself to the bathroom. I wish we could go back to the beginning.
I'm not perfect myself. I know he felt I would nag him about things and didn't cook enough. I always kept our house clean and would be affectionate with him. He would sometimes say things to me that would absolutely kill me inside, words I would not ever say to anyone, not him, not now. I know this sounds strange but I really felt he was "killing my soul/spirit." He'd always mention divorce "this isn't working." Eventually I started agreeing with him. He'd see me crying and tell me to move out of the way or tell me he's busy if I went to kiss him sometimes. I know he is very busy with work and is so ambitious with his work but I just want to feel needed/wanted/loved. Just a little token of his love and not feel like an outsider. Sometimes the way he would treat me or hiss at me, I would really feel like he detested me. I told him that once. I used to cry myself to sleep and have to take a sedative because I'd be so stressed out. In the end we weren't even speaking to eachother. He tried touching me once in bed and I told him No. At that point I was very resentful of him and not sleeping with him because I didn't feel close to him at all. He could never understand this.
I so very much wish I had a crystal ball. If he aclled me right now and said he wanted to do MC with me, I would go with him.
This is all so depressing/maddening/upsetting.
I wish someone could tell me the answers. Do I let go and move on with my life or do I call him and tell him I want this to work? I don't want to feel rejected or humiliated though. I feel like such a damn failure. When do you let go and move on? How do you know to keep fighting? I iknow it sounds so stupid being that I am the one who moved out. I can't just focus on our great parts which is what I find myself doing now but how do I know the answers? I know that we either need to try to work this out or I need to get a lawyer and file divorce.
Oh and someone up there asked if he'd filed for d... he has not. But he did have his lawyer send me the property settlement/legal separation agreement. He said on the phone, We need to have a legal separation so we can have things "in order."

[soleil]

When do you know it's enough? He is not calling me at all. Am I being stupid by not filing for divorce or do I just keep waiting? I am so damn confused!

[TrentC]

When do you know it's enough? He is not calling me at all. Am I being stupid by not filing for divorce or do I just keep waiting? I am so damn confused!

That's up to you. You can end the waiting any time you want. But you've only been posting here for a couple of days -- that's not enough time to see any real progess if you've changed your tune.

This is not an easy process; there are people on this forum who have been battling to save their marriages or reconcile with their wayward spouses for well over a year. Some of them have gone all the way through divorce, and been able to recommit. Each story is personal

Your best bet is to read The Divorce Remedy for yourself and set your own goals for progess. Decide for yourself what you want in a happy marriage, and start working on your part.