I am a WAW

[ClingingToHope]

If you do not want to get a D then don't file. Make him do all of the work.

[SDFoundGirl]

Honey...

I'm sorry you're here, but I think you made a healthy choice. As Puppy stated, above, your H is emotionally abusive and it sounds like he has been for a long time. When I read your posts, I envision a droopy, defeated woman, almost like a repeatedly kicked dog.

First of all, retain a lawyer. If you haven't already, make sure you do something to ensure he doesn't hide any assets you may have accumulated together; your lawyer can help you with that. If you think you might want to save this M, then at the very least you need a legal separation so you can protect yourself financially. As it is, if he runs up debt, stops paying the mortgage, etc., you are still liable.

Next, focus on taking care of YOU. Are you in counseling? If not, go NOW, and start looking at why you have been willing to accept this sort of treatment for long, and learn strategies to set boundaries. Focus on learning how to love and value yourself. This is essential! It was the gift I received from the bomb my H dropped on me, and it's the reason why our M works today.

Finally, document EVERYTHING your H does and says that is of a threatening nature, and DON'T SIGN ANYTHING unless your lawyer directs you to.

You are not the typical WAS. I suggest you read SpyBunny's threads; she just moved out of her home this past weekend. Her H, too, is emotionally abusive, and it's been many months of posting here for her to feel strong enough to take a stand with him and say no more. She may have a lot of wise words to share with you, and she definitely has a perspective that not all of us have.

Hang in there, and breathe. It feels horrible, I know. But you have the opportunity to change your life profoundly. Whether that's with your H or without him, I don't know.

Go get DR and read it cover to cover. DON'T share this site or that resource with your H; this is just for you. Take your focus off of him, and put it on yourself.

You're going to get through this.

SD

[soleil]

Next, focus on taking care of YOU. Are you in counseling? If not, go NOW, and start looking at why you have been willing to accept this sort of treatment for long, and learn strategies to set boundaries.

I have been seeing a marriage counselor since about June, alone, since H only went one time and never went back.
Many times I would tell him that the stonewalling was offensive to me, and didn't resolve anything, yet he would still do it, like a pattern. It's not that I feel I "put up with it" I just felt like, Okay, we are married and supposed to make this work at all costs.
As far as retaining the lawyer, I feel that as soon as I plop down all that money, the game will change for me. Meaning, if I go as far as to retain one, it will really feel it's over. Granted, he retained one for a property settlement agreement that I have yet to sign.
Last year I discovered he had a profile on a dating website specifically looking for sex, saying he "lived with someone." He used pictures that I had taken of him to post on his dating profile. I printed it out and showed it to him. He told me it was a joke, that he'd had it for two years, but it meant nothing and how it was good that I'd seen it because then I wouldn't think he was so "perfect."
We'd always had spats throughout our M but they seem to have really taken a nosedive this year, starting about February. In Feb we got into a disagreement re: our taxes. We were driving to get them done and I asked him a ? offtopic and he started throwing all these papers around the car, saying I was stupid and that I embarass him, that he's not sure why he takes me anywhere. I told him, You are embarassing ME by acting like a child. So from that he didn't talk to me for a week, which in that time it was his birthday. That morning I wished him a Happy Bday and he didn't even look at me. I said it again and he walked right out the door. I had left a gift and card on his nightstand. He ignored it for days. I cried so much and felt I was losing my mind that week. That really broke me down. A few days later, he came up to me and asked where all my tax info was (that he'd given back to me and told me to do by myself) and said, Do you want to do it or not? I told him very clearly, this is the last time you stonewall me. I am not going to live this way anymore. He said it was all my fault because I was x, y, z. Things went on but something shifted when it happened that time. I asked him to go to counseling and he outright refused, No. In March, one of my best friends got married. His suit wasn't ready in time at the cleaners and by the time he got it, it was time for the reception. He called and said under no circumstances was he coming because it would be rude. I told him to come anyway, since I was a bridesmaid & it would mean a lot to me. He refused and said, I'm not going and that's it! I cried. Again. Thought I was pregnant around this time and he brushed it off saying, You're not. Well it turns out I was. We were playing cards with his cousin & wife and I made a joke at him and he said, If you want to see something ugly, just take a mirror and look at your face (I had pimples everywhere). This made me feel so bad. I told him that he was being a jerk. I suffered a miscarriage in May. He went with me and everything. At the end fo the month we were fighting again. He'd come home from work and be banging on the glass door and I'd go to open it for him and he would be glaring at me, dirty looks. Another fight ensued. I was really at my wit's end by then. Was sleeping on the couch by then and then went to stay at my parents'. Told him we NEEDED counseling. He finally gave in and went once. At counseling he mentioned that all I want to do is go out and how he was struggling to make our mortgage payments, etc. He never went back because he got off late work the next time but also never mentioned going again. Neither did I because at this point I was losing a lot of respect for him. June came and it was my high school reunion. I told him it would mean a lot to me if he went and he said, "No, that's your thing." Around this time he was going downtown a lot with his guy friends, to clubs/lounges. I was also going out a lot with my girlfriends, too. We were barely spending anytime together, in fact we really didn't spend any time together at all really over the summer. At the end of June, he moved all of his things out of our bedroom and started sleeping in the guest bedroom. During the time all of this was going down, I started confiding in a male friend about my marital problems and we made out. I feel sooo incredibly stupid for doing this because I feel I should've kept this stuff to myself as it's a very private matter. I know this is wrong and I regret it every single day of my life. Every year I plan a vacation with my mom and sis in the summertime, of which he was invited to & couldn't go due to work and $. This is a trip I have taken for the last 10+ years, nothing new. . I bought by ticket but didn't tell him yet. It's not that I was withholding that I bought it, but we weren't really talking either so I was going to mention it eventually. He took me out to dinner and was being SO nice that I wondered, Why is he being so nice? At dinner he asked when I was going on vacation. I told him. He said that he knew already. I said, then why are you asking me? He then went off saying how rude it was for me to buy a ticket, not tell him, how disrespectful it is for women to go on vacas without their husbands. I just looked at him and something clicked in my head. This was another defining moment. He was talking to me with this disgusted look on his face and I was thinking, I can't do this anymore. Why are you doing this? It's not like he paid for my ticket. I have a full-time job and insurance. Sure, he pays our mortgage but I always helped out with our utilities. He rented the basement out to his cousin and wife and not once ever gave me extra $ to cover the utilities increasing, he said that I needed to help with that when he was already getting $1000. So we didn't speak to one another for about 1 1/2 month when this happened. At this point I saw a lawyer & put myself on a waiting list for a 1-bedroom apt. I told him in August I thought it was best we separate, that I saw a lawyer. He flipped out, saying how awful it was that I saw a lawyer, how I wouldn't have "nice things" if I left him, how I wouldn't be able to live the life we do together (i.e. material things). He is very much into status, etc, whereas I just want to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I love "nice things" but don't think that is what makes life. That night, I was in bed trying to sleep and he came into the room and stood in the doorway, glaring at me. It scared me so I locked the door. Was sleeping with scissors on the nightstand. I know that sounds crazy and maybe I'm overreacting but that is what I did. Then we didn't talk again for awhile and he came up to me one day and said, "Did you find a place to move yet? Huh? Did you?" I ignored him. A week later, he spoke to me and we went out on the boat, had such a lovely day. He made me dinner the next night and the following I went on the vacation. I gave him the # where I'd be at. I called him 2 days later as I hadn't heard from him and he wasn't very chatty. I called him a few days later and he told me, When you get back, we need ot figure out how we are going to separate things. On my way home from vaca, I called him to ask him to come pick me up from the airport and he said, No. That he may be going to a party later, that I had scheduled a shuttle so I should take that. I ended up taking a cab home because the shuttle never came. I just wanted to see my H. I was crying in the airport when he said he wouldn't come. I got home wee morning hours and he didn't say a word and pushed up to me in bed and wanted to start having sex. I said, Use a condom. Cause I wasn't on my pill, & he got mad at me and pushed up and turned his body the other way. He has not, to this day, asked me how my vacation was. The following day was my niece's bday, I invited him and he called later to say he wasn't coming. 2 days later, was his relatives birthday. He came in the house and said, X invited you. I said, Where? And he kept saying, X invited you (really rudely) then said it was for a bday party. I went and he barely looked at me, though we were seated next to eachother. Later it was my friend's engagement party, so we went. While there he acted like he didn't want to be there and 2 weeks later I would find out that he told a friend of mine that we were separated and selling our house! So at this party I was telling him how my hair had gotten really light from my vacation and he said, "Good for you." He was glaring at me, that mean look he does. In the ride home I told him, Wasn't that fun? He said, No. That he couldn't remember the last time he had fun and didn't know why I had even invited him. We stopped talking again. 2 weeks later my parents were going to NYC and asked me to house-sit for them over the weekend. I did. Didn't even tell my H cause we were no longer speaking. He never called to find out where I was & I came home Sunday morning and he gave me the death stare. An apt came through for me and I signed the lease a week later. Came home from work to find him packing up boxes one day and he said he was moving & didn't have to tell me where he was going. The next day, my engagement ring was gone, he'd hidden it from me and said I wouldn't get it back. I was starting to feel a little scared being around him. I don't know why but I was. I didn't know what was going on in his mind. That weekend he went a wedding & didn't invite me. He said he told the guests, I couldn't make it. He asked if there was a reason I wasn't speaking to him anymore. I said, No, I'm just tired of placating you. By now he was back to sleeping in our bedroom, with all his stuff in the guest bedroom, and we'd sleep with our backs to one another. Later he told me if that if we separated and I started dating someone new that he'd put "both of you in the emergency room." I got out of bed and told him, That's a dealbreaker and went to stay at my parents. He blew up my phone saying I can't handle my own problems, yada yada. I went home to sleep the next day and we talked He said, If you move, who will pay the utilities? I told him, you can charge your cousin extra, which I'd been telling him for awhile. By now I had already planned to move the next day but hadn't told him anything cause I did'nt know what his reaction would be. We went to bed at night. When he left for work the next morning, I had some movers & my sis come and help me move. I took most of our furniture & left him a note. When he got home, he called the cops on me and later threw my belongings out on the front lawn, the ones I wasn't able to get in time.
Oh also, one time before all this went down I told him I was moving and he said, You go when I go. (after he'd packed up his little boxes).
Another thing is my H was in the US on a visa when we met. We married and he got a conditional green card. This ends in April of next year. This is a sensitive subject for him and if I so much as bring it up he gets very angry with me. We were fighting once and he asked if I thought he'd only used me for a Gcard and I told him, yeah maybe you did. He was sooo upset & started crying and flung a cigarette off our deck and left.
As everything stands now, we have seen eachother 3x since I moved out but haven't spoken since before Turkey Day. I do not know what happens now. I would go to counseling if he wants to but at the same time, he told me he honestly doesn't see us understanding eachother ever and he's not sure he wants to work things out, "not really." As that convo went he told me he wants me to sign the title over to him and did ask if I was going to sign over his permanent gcard to him since he's "not going to [censored] up my life because of you, I don't know what you are capable of."
Things were not all bad with my H, though. He does have a very quick temper but I am also stubborn. He's a ridiculously hard worker, very responsible and we have had many great times with laughing, cuddling and watching movies, traveling, being silly and fun together and have many great memories.
Sorry for the novel.

[SDFoundGirl]

First off, paragraphs are your friends here on DB. Not many people will wade through that huge block of text.

Second, I go back to my earlier comment: ABUSE. It's abuse. Emotional abuse.

No one is all good or all bad, but the things you describe--the stonewalling, the temper, the namecalling--are ABUSE.

You need a lawyer for the property settlement at least. Most lawyers also have free consultations; go see one and tell them EVERYTHING you've written here.

Have you gone looking for SpyBunny? She's not divorcing either, but she's getting her ducks in a row to protect herself.

And it's time to take care of YOURSELF. Your H doesn't respect you. He believes he will wear you down so that you sign the property agreement. He wouldn't be asking and doing the things he's doing if he didn't believe you'd do it.

It's time to be smart and work on YOURSELF.

Your H is emotionally abusive. Rational people do not behave in the manner you describe.

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

And this:

Later he told me if that if we separated and I started dating someone new that he'd put "both of you in the emergency room."

scares me. RATIONAL PEOPLE DO NOT SAY THESE THINGS.

Protect yourself.

SD

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Unreadable. Sorry.

[soleil]

First off, paragraphs are your friends here on DB. Not many people will wade through that huge block of text.

Your H is emotionally abusive. Rational people do not behave in the manner you describe.

SD

My apologies for the very long text/non-paragraphs. I wanted to describe everything more accurately since I feel you guys will get a better feel for the situation.
I haven't read Spybunny's post but I am going off to find them.
I very much appreciate any and all feedback you guys are offering me.
When I spoke to H the last time I told him I felt he was emotionally abusive and he laughed, basically saying I paint myself to be "the victim." I pray none of you are ever in a situation such as this.
The lawyer thing is almost me not wanting to admit the reality of the situation.
Know I need to focus on me yet I still hold out HOPE.

[soleil]

I am re-writing w/ paragraphs:

I have been seeing a marriage counselor since about June, alone, since H only went one time and never went back.

Many times I would tell him that the stonewalling was offensive to me, and didn't resolve anything, yet he would still do it, like a pattern. It's not that I feel I "put up with it" I just felt like, Okay, we are married and supposed to make this work at all costs.

As far as retaining the lawyer, I feel that as soon as I plop down all that money, the game will change for me. Meaning, if I go as far as to retain one, it will really feel it's over. Granted, he retained one for a property settlement agreement that I have yet to sign.

Last year I discovered he had a profile on a dating website specifically looking for sex, saying he "lived with someone." He used pictures that I had taken of him to post on his dating profile. I printed it out and showed it to him. He told me it was a joke, that he'd had it for two years, but it meant nothing and how it was good that I'd seen it because then I wouldn't think he was so "perfect."

We'd always had spats throughout our M but they seem to have really taken a nosedive this year, starting about February. In Feb we got into a disagreement re: our taxes. We were driving to get them done and I asked him a ? offtopic and he started throwing all these papers around the car, saying I was stupid and that I embarass him, that he's not sure why he takes me anywhere. I told him, You are embarassing ME by acting like a child. So from that he didn't talk to me for a week, which in that time it was his birthday. That morning I wished him a Happy Bday and he didn't even look at me. I said it again and he walked right out the door. I had left a gift and card on his nightstand. He ignored it for days. I cried so much and felt I was losing my mind that week. That really broke me down. A few days later, he came up to me and asked where all my tax info was (that he'd given back to me and told me to do by myself) and said, Do you want to do it or not? I told him very clearly, this is the last time you stonewall me. I am not going to live this way anymore. He said it was all my fault because I was x, y, z. Things went on but something shifted when it happened that time. We went to Valentine's Day dinner that I planned and he started fighting w/ me on the way there. He was on his phone the entire time about one of his bills and I cried, he was being so rude. I asked him to go to counseling and he outright refused, No.

In March, one of my best friends got married. His suit wasn't ready in time at the cleaners and by the time he got it, it was time for the reception. He called and said under no circumstances was he coming because it would be rude. I told him to come anyway, since I was a bridesmaid & it would mean a lot to me. He refused and said, I'm not going and that's it! I cried. Again.

Thought I was pregnant around this time and he brushed it off saying, You're not. Well it turns out I was. We were playing cards with his cousin & wife and I made a joke at him and he said, If you want to see something ugly, just take a mirror and look at your face (I had pimples everywhere). This made me feel so bad. I told him that he was being a jerk. I suffered a miscarriage in May. He went with me and everything. At the end fo the month we were fighting again. He'd come home from work and be banging on the glass door and I'd go to open it for him and he would be glaring at me, dirty looks. Another fight ensued. I was really at my wit's end by then. Was sleeping on the couch by then and then went to stay at my parents'. Told him we NEEDED counseling. He finally gave in and went once. At counseling he mentioned that all I want to do is go out and how he was struggling to make our mortgage payments, etc. He never went back because he got off late work the next time but also never mentioned going again. Neither did I because at this point I was losing a lot of respect for him.

June came and it was my high school reunion. I told him it would mean a lot to me if he went and he said, "No, that's your thing." Around this time he was going downtown a lot with his guy friends, to clubs/lounges. I was also going out a lot with my girlfriends, too. We were barely spending anytime together, in fact we really didn't spend any time together at all really over the summer. At the end of June, he moved all of his things out of our bedroom and started sleeping in the guest bedroom.

During the time all of this was going down, I started confiding in a male friend about my marital problems and we made out. I feel sooo incredibly stupid for doing this because I feel I should've kept this stuff to myself as it's a very private matter. I know this is wrong and I regret it every single day of my life.

Every year I plan a vacation with my mom and sis in the summertime, of which he was invited to & couldn't go due to work and $. This is a trip I have taken for the last 10+ years, nothing new. I bought by ticket but didn't tell him yet. It's not that I was withholding that I bought it, but we weren't really talking either so I was going to mention it eventually. He took me out to dinner and was being SO nice that I wondered, Why is he being so nice? At dinner he asked when I was going on vacation. I told him. He said that he knew already. I said, then why are you asking me? He then went off saying how rude it was for me to buy a ticket, not tell him, how disrespectful it is for women to go on vacas without their husbands. I just looked at him and something clicked in my head. This was another defining moment. He was talking to me with this disgusted look on his face and I was thinking, I can't do this anymore. Why are you doing this? It's not like he paid for my ticket.

I have a full-time job and insurance. Sure, he pays our mortgage but I always helped out with our utilities. He rented the basement out to his cousin and wife and not once ever gave me extra $ to cover the utilities increasing, he said that I needed to help with that when he was already getting $1000. So we didn't speak to one another for about 1 1/2 month when this happened. At this point I saw a lawyer & put myself on a waiting list for a 1-bedroom apt.

I told him in August I thought it was best we separate, that I saw a lawyer. He flipped out, saying how awful it was that I saw a lawyer, how I wouldn't have "nice things" if I left him, how I wouldn't be able to live the life we do together (i.e. material things). He is very much into status, etc, whereas I just want to be happy. Don't get me wrong, I love "nice things" but don't think that is what makes life. That night, I was in bed trying to sleep and he came into the room and stood in the doorway, glaring at me. It scared me so I locked the door. Was sleeping with scissors on the nightstand. I know that sounds crazy and maybe I'm overreacting but that is what I did. Then we didn't talk again for awhile and he came up to me one day and said, "Did you find a place to move yet? Huh? Did you?" I ignored him.

A week later, he spoke to me and we went out on the boat, had such a lovely day. He made me dinner the next night and the following I went on the vacation. I gave him the # where I'd be at. I called him 2 days later as I hadn't heard from him and he wasn't very chatty. I called him a few days later and he told me, When you get back, we need ot figure out how we are going to separate things.

On my way home from vaca, I called him to ask him to come pick me up from the airport and he said, No. That he may be going to a party later, that I had scheduled a shuttle so I should take that. I ended up taking a cab home because the shuttle never came. I just wanted to see my H. I was crying in the airport when he said he wouldn't come. I got home wee morning hours and he didn't say a word and pushed up to me in bed and wanted to start having sex. I said, Use a condom. Cause I wasn't on my pill, & he got mad at me and pushed up and turned his body the other way. He has not, to this day, asked me how my vacation was.

The following day was my niece's bday, I invited him and he called later to say he wasn't coming. 2 days later, was his relatives birthday. He came in the house and said, X invited you. I said, Where? And he kept saying, X invited you (really rudely) then said it was for a bday party. I went and he barely looked at me, though we were seated next to eachother. Later it was my friend's engagement party, so we went. While there he acted like he didn't want to be there and 2 weeks later I would find out that he told a friend of mine that we were separated and selling our house! So at this party I was telling him how my hair had gotten really light from my vacation and he said, "Good for you." He was glaring at me, that mean look he does. In the ride home I told him, Wasn't that fun? He said, No. That he couldn't remember the last time he had fun and didn't know why I had even invited him. We stopped talking again.

2 weeks later my parents were going to NYC and asked me to house-sit for them over the weekend. I did. Didn't even tell my H cause we were no longer speaking. He never called to find out where I was & I came home Sunday morning and he gave me the death stare. An apt came through for me and I signed the lease a week later.

Came home from work to find him packing up boxes one day and he said he was moving & didn't have to tell me where he was going. The next day, my engagement ring was gone, he'd hidden it from me and said I wouldn't get it back. I was starting to feel a little scared being around him. I don't know why but I was. I didn't know what was going on in his mind.

That weekend he went a wedding & didn't invite me. He said he told the guests, I couldn't make it. He asked if there was a reason I wasn't speaking to him anymore. I said, No, I'm just tired of placating you. By now he was back to sleeping in our bedroom, with all his stuff in the guest bedroom, and we'd sleep with our backs to one another. Later he told me if that if we separated and I started dating someone new that he'd put "both of you in the emergency room." I got out of bed and told him, That's a dealbreaker and went to stay at my parents. He blew up my phone saying I can't handle my own problems, yada yada.

I went home to sleep the next day and we talked He said, If you move, who will pay the utilities? I told him, you can charge your cousin extra, which I'd been telling him for awhile. By now I had already planned to move the next day but hadn't told him anything cause I did'nt know what his reaction would be. We went to bed at night. When he left for work the next morning, I had some movers & my sis come and help me move. I took most of our furniture & left him a note. When he got home, he called the cops on me and later threw my belongings out on the front lawn, the ones I wasn't able to get in time.

Oh also, one time before all this went down I told him I was moving and he said, You go when I go (after he'd packed up his boxes).

Another thing is my H was in the US on a visa when we met. We married and he got a conditional green card. This ends in April of next year. This is a sensitive subject for him and if I so much as bring it up he gets very angry with me. We were fighting once and he asked if I thought he'd only used me for a Gcard and I told him, yeah maybe you did. He was sooo upset & started crying and flung a cigarette off our deck and left.

As everything stands now, we have seen eachother 3x since I moved out but haven't spoken since before Turkey Day. I do not know what happens now. I would go to counseling if he wants to but at the same time, he told me he honestly doesn't see us understanding eachother ever and he's not sure he wants to work things out, "not really." As that convo went he told me he wants me to sign the title over to him and did ask if I was going to sign over his permanent gcard to him since he's "not going to [censored] up my life because of you, I don't know what you are capable of."

Things were not all bad with my H, though. He does have a very quick temper but I am also stubborn. He's a ridiculously hard worker, very responsible and we have had many great times with laughing, cuddling and watching movies, traveling, being silly and fun together and have many great memories.

Sorry for the novel.

[luvless]

((((((sol))))))

man is your H emotionally abusive! my heart aches after reading this. I don't know what to say. My instinct says you shouldn't take this but I know it's hard when you love someone BUT is this love? Why do we love someone that is purposely hurting us? How much is your self WORTH?

just my thoughts....

[soleil]

Each day goes by and I feel that it's not really happening to me, that this isn't real, that none of these things have transpired.
He also changed the locks on me the day I moved out, told me he'd laugh if I tried to go back. I never have. When he was throwing out all my belongings on the front lawn, my sis was actually standing there. When he finished he said, Now it's done."
Lovely, yeah?
He was NOT this way when I met him, in fact he was so charming i remember saying to him, This is too good to be true.
If only I could turn back the clock.