Friends/family are pushing for me to file. I'm not sure what I want to do.
H said he wanted D 9/09. Total surprise to me. Later that day find proof of EA w/co-worker. H says 'just a friend'. Over last 3 months, H steps up text/phone calls with OW.
H. forces me out of house 10/27. Suspect that EA has become PA. H. still insists just friends. H. has gone from ILY to ILYBINILWY.
Send obnoxious, accusatory messages to both last week. H. is refusing to speak to me at all now. Stupid on my part, I know.
We had been having pleasant times together recently. Seems when I apply no pressure & agree to D, he is receptive to working on R. I think I've blown all that goodwill.
Unsure of how to procede. Also unsure if I should even try to salvage M. Even if he where to end EA/PA, he will still have to work with OW in the future.
He hasn't filed at this point.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Do not file if you are not ready to. Of course your family wants you to be happy but you have to do what YOU want. Everyone makes mistakes (the "obnoxious" messages you sent) but chalk it up to an experience and don't send them again. Do not engage him at all. Also, you didn't have to leave your house at all, he couldn't make you. As far as the EA/PA goes, if you haven't made it clear you are not willing to share him with anyone else, do it. Then lay low. Very low. Stealth. Be cool, okay?
I've been reading DB & DR for weeks. He doesn't know.
He kept screaming at me to get out. He later said I can have the house, which I can't afford on my own. Makes sense to let him stay there since he can afford it. Also, we have animals, which I can't bring with me. No human kids.
I was going to the house 2 - 3 times a week. Now, I just want to get the things I need so I don't need to see/talk to him. Seems the only way to salvage is total withdraw on my part.
Also: OW initially pursed him. She is single, knew he was married.
Last edited by Ruined; 12/02/0910:29 PM.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Welcome to the (best) place none of us want to be...
You will be getting a lot of information/advice in the following days...
Take this time to...
First - Breathe - You do not have to make any decisions about your marriage right this moment.
Second - Get back in your house - What right did he have to kick you out? If is isn't court ordered, go and take back your house -He wants out let him leave.
Third - Get the book and start reading asap...No more messages to him at this time.
Fourth - Cheaters lie period. "We are just friends" is a line just about each of us have heard at one point in time or another.
Fifth - Keep reading here...Read the different posts, start by doing the 180's (I have a list I will post to you after this), start GAL (getting a life) -
Do you have any children together?
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
Don't push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are moving on with your life without them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back.
Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control - YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you - HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
[...]
As a slight hijacking of this thread, I just wanted to say that I've noticed that as time goes on, a lot of people -- even relatively recent arrivals -- seem to be willing to step up and talk to newcomers.
Which I think is great. It helps create a feeling of mutual support.
And to Ruined: I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but this is a great group to help you out. You're already getting quite good advice, so take some time and feel free to ask and answer questions.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
It helps create a feeling of mutual support.