Hi again everyone, Well the next R phone call finally came a couple of nights ago; I guess it went pretty well. I really wish I could remember every thing that was said, but the whole thing runs through my mind like the tornado scene in the wizard of oz, like so many random flashes. I feel so bad for him; he is so depressed and desperate. He said that he just wants to be happy again, said he has lost everything (even used the term rock bottom), must have said it twenty times. He said he wants to be happy like we were before all of this but doesn’t know how, he doesn’t want it to be like during the time when he left (while in mlc but wont admit it) He said we’re all he thinks about. He had called me on Nov.11 to let me know that he knew what day it was and that he had not forgotten (our aniv.) Repeatedly says how did this happen? I don't get it. I just want to be happy. Then he said why do you think I call you all the time, I don't want to talk about work I just want to talk to you, don't you get that? he'll say things like we were so happy and then two minutes later say he was miserable for years, followed again by you're all I ever think of. Says I am his best friend (this is something he always said before mlc) Funny though the first time he said he was so unhappy I said "well I guess that proves that I was not the problem" he replied "I know it's me I need to get my head together." he seems to be trying at least, to work out some of his issues, seems like his head is spinning inside trying to find the way back. We also talked briefly about a conversation we had over the summer, he had asked if he could still talk to me if we got a D and I had told him no, that would be it, nothing left to say. He said he could not do that he could not stand that, no, I’m not going to do that, period. And also said many times during the conversation that "I don't know why you even talk to me, if it was me I wouldn’t" Normally after one of these conversations he would call the next day and act as if it never happened, this time he brought up some of the things that were said. I just wish I knew what to say to him that would help, any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
L.T., This is an interesting turn. It sounds as though you are doing fine just by listening. Just the fact that he recognizes that incredible damage that he did is a real shift, I would say.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Hi l.t.- I wanted to respond to you because I have heard my H say some of the things your H has said. My H had moments of clarity, even over prolonged periods of time. We were in MC for almost 2 years and were getting along great. I decided I needed for things to move forward and gave my H a deadline of the end of the year to move back. He was planning on it but got cold feet. My H is paralyzed with depression and my patience with the situation has been worn too thin to let things continue as they were with everything was on his terms. We have had pretty much NC in the last month with the exception of a few talks...talks where my H has been perfectly clear claiming he is an idiot, he thinks I am wonderful, he can't imagine his life without me, etc. My H even admitted he is depressed and needs IC. He supposedly has started IC and presently is honoring my request for him to stay away. He did text me last week and said he missed me but that is about it. It has been extremely hard for me but it is starting to get a little easier.
I am telling you this because if you want a relationship with your H, you have to have NO (and I don't mean low) expectations. Because of all the things my H has said to me over the last year, I thought he was figuring things out. Sure, he has figured out some but he still has many more obstacles to get past before he could ever attempt to make his way back and he has to be willing to do the work to get there. At this point, I am better off at this point with NC because I feel my H got too comfortable with the way things were being able to come and go as he pleased. If you can, be there as your H's friend but still have your boundaries.
I have been told that when they are done baking, we will know it. I assume that means that we can see a real shift in not only their words but their actions. I hope that you see that shift in your H soon...but in the meantime remember NO EXPECTATIONS.
thanks guys, I really do sense a shift in things. This no expectations part is really hard. It is so true that getting on with your own life is what really helps. For me it is the distraction that I need and it helps me the most. Kind of win/win for me,and if I'm busy with my own business I'm not thinking about him or his. When I quit obsessing about what he was doing, there was a shift in me, this in turn started the shift in him. I have been keeping up with your thread upside, glad to see that things are moving forward for you again, this patience stuff is hard work (so is keeping my mouth shut) but I think we will both be rewarded in the end. Things with me are, I think, moving along well. This Sunday my H finally followed through with plans to come over for dinner. It was his idea but every time the day would come "something came up". So he showed up and we grilled, watched the race, and had a couple of beers. The kids kept saying this is cool or this is so weird, or this is so normal. Made me kind of nervous at first but he agreed with them. He also did not avoid me at all, he stood next to my chair all day. When it was time for him to go the kids (all teens) said lets do this again and he said "we will". Our D 13 went with him for the day and when she came back she said that Dad said we are going to do that alot more, said he had alot of fun. Very cool. Then....last night he called and said " I just called because I wanted to tell you that I love you" said it three times within a 90 second conversation. These words have not been spoked like this in a verrrry long time. As usual he still calles me several times every day and his visits are becoming more frequent. This all started around August and there have been no big set backs. Slow but sure I think. Hard not to try and give him a litle push but i guess I'll have to keep resisting, wish me luck LT
hi again everyone, Things are still going well for me, which leads me to my question. Why do if feel sooo frusterated, the closer he comes the worse it gets. It's so hard not to say something to him, I am really feeling the need to vent on him but am biting my tongue (ouch) Lately I am wondering if I am just allowing some excessive cake eating. I want to just tell him that "ya know, the statis quo here is just not working for me, do you really think I (or we) will just go on like this forever? You really need to figure out what you want. Come back and work on this or I'm out." We are still joined so closley aruggggg LT
Hi l.t.- I know exactly the frustration you are feeling. From personal experience, pushing to get answers only backfires...at least initially. I did set a deadline for my H and while it initially backfired, it appears now that my ultimatum was helpful in moving him forward...but only time will tell how helpful.
HeartsBlessing posted something about cake-eating on ThisCan'tBTheEnd's thread and I quoted part of it on my thread. She talks about boundaries and ultimatums. I agree with her that each situation is different and the LBS has to determine when the time is right to set boundaries and give ultimatums. As long as you are willing to follow through and accept the outcome whatever it may be, then these LRTs are something to consider.
If you can, continue to focus and you and your kids. If the cake-eating gets to be too much, I say follow your instincts .
hi sometimes I really feel like I should do it but, everytime I make a tenative decision to do it something comes up to prevent it. Like my truck is broken right now and I need him to bring me places, important things I need to do like getting to the city for my clinicals for nursing school and stuff like that, he is always happy to do it and he is also going to fix the truck. not to mention that i have no court order for child support and cant do without it since i lost my last job. I went without it for months while he was off in happy land with the ow, she told him not to give us anything till i agreed to a divorce. Since he has started to come around he goes out of his way to help us (we have 5 kids). Sometime i think i'm just stuck and other times i really believe it's divine intervention. I also had drawn a line in the sand (with myself only), for christmas, but then before it came i had a dream that told me to move it to this other day which i am also keeping to myself. I don't know anyone here in kansas, the kids are always out and about, maybe i'm just lonley or have too much quiet time with my own thoughts. Thanks LT
l.t., You will know when the time is right to talk to your h. I think what is happening is that he is coming around, doing things for you and you are frustrated that he's not making a firm and final move home. Keep in mind, they go through a period of wanting to do things for you, as this is a way of reconnecting to you. They do tend to "inch" along before they make the move to want to reconcile.
As for setting timelines, boundaries, etc., please keep this mind...yes, you can set all of them in your mind, but if you set them w/him, you need to stand by them and not back down. If you do back down, they will know that you do not mean to follow through on them. They will test you if you become wishy washy w/the boundaries, etc. Also, be prepared for the fact that he may react in a negative way to boundaries, etc., and you will not get the reaction/response that you had hoped for.
Again, you will know when the time is right...the window of opportunity will open up for you to broach the subjects that you wish to discuss and put into place.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
