Trent - you're killing me w/the kilts! LOL LOL I vote for the camo kilt!!! (The dude in it isn't bad either!) What got me to giggling is the "Concealed Weapon Kilt". Wow!
Thanks for the smile!!!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
fyi, I have not read thru all your thread, but saw this and felt the need to post. sorry if it's "old news" now.
Originally Posted By: luvless
- There are trust issues. No proven PA but crossing the line with EA at work twice since we've been married. He has been working on that the last few years. I thought we were making progress but I guess not. What is it that you feel you are not making progress in this area? Have you shown your appreciation for him working on that? This is not about trust right now I think its just about control. He doesn't want me to tell him anything he is doing wrong. no Man, let alone woman wants to be told they are doing wrong. Stop focusing on what problems you think he has, and start focusing on his strengths. It's proven that you can build someone up by encouraging them, but criticizing more than encouraging, no matter how nicely it's put will only do the opposite He wants me to be quiet and let him do whatever. How can I do that?...only a wife who didn't care about her H would sit back and let him self destruct. think about that comment again. Are you ONLY looking out for him and what will happen to HIM? I imagine that a lot of it is how it affects you or if you have kids. The best way, if you really care about someone, is to sometimes let them figure things on their own. If you continually do things or tell someone how to do something, as in a child, they are not going to learn, or they will learn to be dependent. It's okay to let them go, even though it's a very hard thing to do sometimes. So...I call him out on his drinking, bad decisions/spending/irresponsibility/yelling at kids etc. He is really stuck on focusing on the negative right now (guess it validates his feelings) but our marriage is good when he is acting like a mature man and not a stubborn child. again, read this sentence. almost everything you have said about your H is negative. I would have to guess that both of you are focusing on the negative. You have to look at things from his viewpoint too, as he should with you, but you are the wiser one, looking for answers right now. He says he is stressed and doesn't want to fight yet he will not say lets make things better or offer his own suggestions of how it can be better? I never cry and I broke down last week - he was just irritated - I know that's DB 101 but that is in my resentment box forever. Thank you so much for listening.
I know this is an old quote, but this is the first time I have posted or read your thread. I have not read the rest, but wanted to give you some advice incase it had not been said.
Please read if you haven't these other 2 books. For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldham, and the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman (or you can look for the 5LL quiz online)
Men are different. they don't want to talk. and they want to figure things out for themselves. when you tell him what to do, you are basically degrading him as a man. Soooo, if you can't TELL him, you need to use ACTION. just like Michelle talks about. So think creatively.
hope this is helpful
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Right now you've won a few skirmishes. You're not out of the woods yet. Don't repeat your last 3 years of mistakes and disappear on us when things look like they're going well.
oh don't worry G - I know I'm still walking through 3 foot weeds! He came home yesterday (again no kiss) and a matter of fact kinda attitutde. I don't get it - what's your deal dude? anyway was in no mood to be irritated so I let it be.
This morning I get up he says, "morning" and I get coffee. He usually cleans up the kitchen (his forever duty) unloads dishwasher and picks up but he left a mess. He's been acting like a kid lately stomping his feet cuz he has to help. So I say, "can you pick this up a little" he starts raising his voice and says, "what if I don't want to?" irks me to my soul when he acts like this! I kept a calm voice while he is raising his. He is irritated and starts picking up. He does it (took him a whole 10 mins)
anyway...i made his lunch (as I usually do) and he said thanks - gave me a kiss bye (gee thanks) - so I sent him a text (have a good day - love u) no response - the resentment building.
trying not to be mad as hell
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
This morning I get up he says, "morning" and I get coffee. He usually cleans up the kitchen (his forever duty) unloads dishwasher and picks up but he left a mess. He's been acting like a kid lately stomping his feet cuz he has to help. So I say, "can you pick this up a little" he starts raising his voice and says, "what if I don't want to?" irks me to my soul when he acts like this! I kept a calm voice while he is raising his. He is irritated and starts picking up. He does it (took him a whole 10 mins)
"H, stomping around and acting like you're less mature than our kids is really unattractive." Then leave.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
ST - I saw him really working on us. Communicating better and more openly not retreating like usual. His loving gestures and tone. I was feeling that we were maturing and becoming a better couple. I was enjoying my marriage for the first time.
I try and let him be to figure stuff out on his own. I try but I see him struggle so I help/suggest but I guess that doesn't work. I just want him to know I'm here but he never comes to me with his problems.
I agree we are both focusing on the negative right now and guilty of that. He knows the real me and I know the real him. We are bumping heads big time. It's like a power struggle I guess. He is asserting his power over me and I don't like it. I am a reasonable person and I think I am a healthy individual. I'm dealing with a man who shuts down and refuses to acknowledge his part. The refusal is what bothers me most. It's all my fault don't you know? I'm the one "fighting."
I'm pretty pissed today - don't wanna care but thank you ST for pointing stuff out to me. I'm listening!
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
looking in on you, wow what an awesome night you had. As for H behavior this morning, i wouldnt have even acknowledged it. Just gotten my coffee and gone to another room. I have little patience for that kind of behavior tho. i also wouldnt have sent a txt. But thats me, I have no tolerance for acting like a little kid throwing fits. Altho Trents "response" is classic. I have responded by saying "charming" in the past and walking out. Just that one little word.
Try not to focus on being angry today and have a great day in spite of it.
