This has been an ongoing problem for the last 10 years or so. Ever since child #1 appeared. Her hormones appeared to go completely out of whack at that time - but that's expected, right - its what every new father hears. So I back off for a year or two expecting things to come back into focus eventually.
3 (or 4) years in and its become a real problem. I go down with Major Depression. I go to therapy for this (as well as being on Prozac) almost one of the first thing the therapist says is : 'Are you sure that this is who you want to stay with? You could start again.' The therapist suggests that we both go in, once we do some sensate focus. The sf is great but my wife won't complete the task - you're supposed to take turns. Then comes the both seeing the therapist together point - my wife is so alarmed at this that we start having sex again and for a short time things go relatively well. When we first got together we used to take turns rubbing shoulders but since year 1 its just been me giving the backrubs and footrubs on a daily basis.
I then get a different job - my old one comes suddenly to an end - and unfortunately I have to spend the weekdays down there until we can sell and move. Eventually we do move and our sex life limps along - once a month at max.
Our second child comes along and things are relatively ok - we're clinging on. Work gets more and more intense and the boss really doesn't like having someone with a family around. Hours get longer and night callouts get more frequent.
Then my wife gets a sudden burst of pain - shes got gallstones. After a few months its clear that the pain from this hits mainly at night, most nights, leaving her tired. She needs the op - but they won't operate until a significant amount of weight is lost or the condition deteriorates.
Our sex life drops again and depression hits again - eventually I have a full on nervous breakdown. I lose my job - or rather I'm pressured to resign - its clear the company prefers to keep its overheads(staff) low and when they crack they move on. Wonderful.
The prozac helps a lot less this time - it does reduce my sex drive but also prevents any release from masturbation by preventing orgasm. It also makes me definately feel like someone else is has taken over and its not a pleasant feeling.
And so on it goes. At some point during all this I read Mars & Venus. It suddenly became clear that although I was doing a lot round the house I wasn't doing enough. Eureka! So I start doing a lot more, more housework, more cooking, more washing, getting the kids to school etc. Difference: Zero.
I then discovered the Sex Starved Marriage. For the first 90% of the book it seemed that this could be fixed. Then I read the last chapter and sobbed. The next day we have The Talk. For the next few months things are slightly better - we have sex monthly (yes a huge increase!) then it drops to nothing again while the kids are off on the summer holidays. Then it never picks up again.
Over this period I discover the No More Mr Nice Guy book. Its horribly clear that this is what I am to a largish degree.
Last week we had the second talk. She agreed that she needed to get back into the swing of things and last week we did have great sex. She really enjoys sex when we have it. Since the talk we've done it twice. So what's wrong? This weeks session should be coming up but she seems oblivious to it. I've been pushed to the bottom of the priority list. I half suspect that when I said that we needed to go to Relate she suggested this because 'that's what they would tell us to do'.
I love my wife deeply - we get on well, she works hard on the house and the kids. We're a great match in all possible ways.
Over the years I've been so run down by constant rejection I'm almost afraid to just ask.
I feel as if I'm fighting to save our marriage and she's not doing anything to help. I can feel the walls closing in on us and I'm not going to spend the next few years trying to save something if the other person doesn't help.
The last few months have seen a lot of the local friends relationships breakdown. Who knows why but every week there seems to be a lot recently.
My mother was very domineering - more so with me than with my siblings. Perhaps because I was the only one left or perhaps because she saw them making mistakes but she wasn't the most pleasant person. My parents stayed together until last year when she died.
My wifes parents split when she was 19 - my fear is that she is replicating her parents marriage. They absolutely hated each other - pretty much from day 1 - god only knows how they got married in the first place. Her father was very nosy and domineering - he went through the private mail etc.
marriedwolf, you said: "Last week we had the second talk. She agreed that she needed to get back into the swing of things and last week we did have great sex. She really enjoys sex when we have it. Since the talk we've done it twice. So what's wrong? This weeks session should be coming up but she seems oblivious to it. I've been pushed to the bottom of the priority list. I half suspect that when I said that we needed to go to Relate she suggested this because 'that's what they would tell us to do'."
Your marriage is far from hopeless. These things can all be addressed. Specifically in the above paragraph, you will need to address this by being honest and direct with her. Do not wait around for her to intiate sex and then be let down when she doesn't. Instead, stand up straight and tall and (metaphorically) beat your chest and then go take your wife to bed as soon as the mood strikes you! If she refuses, find out her reasons and then get a committment from her for when it WILL happen if her reason for putting it off is valid. If her reason isn't valid, then you have to have yet another talk with her about how your sex life is important and you won't allow her to diminish it by giving feble excuses not to have sex. Then take her in your arms and kiss her deeply!
This reply may not make much sense to you right now, but keep posting to us and you'll see...it will make sense later.
It's an old suggestion, but negotiate with her "date night(s)" and put it on a calender on the kitchen refrigerator. Also give her some coupons that allow her to delay your date night for up to 72 hours, if she if feeling ill or tired. Toss in a couple more coupons to be exchanged for your massaging her feet or back.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Thanks folks. In a complete surprise today she has preemtively apologised for being too tired today (in theory Thursday\Friday is the date day) but that we'll take action tomorrow. This is pretty much what YAH's suggested.
Love DQ's suggestion
Quote:
Instead, stand up straight and tall and (metaphorically) beat your chest and then go take your wife to bed as soon as the mood strikes you!
Really sums up the dominant maleness that's a bit missing from me right now.
I'm beginning to feel a lot more positive now. THANKS!
Glad it made you feel better, and also glad your wife has already presented you a date night confirmation! Give it to her good and then don't let it slide next week when she's tired. In the meantime, keep working on communication skills, have good conversations with her about HER day and her life (and yours, topics other than kids), and most importantly...keeping picturing the love life you want with your wife...keep it firmly in your mind all the time.
No More Mr. Nice Guy is a kick in the balls if you see yourself in it, isn't it?
But wow, you are doing the right things a lot sooner than I did. I could have skipped a lot of regrets if I'd been smart enough to do what you're doing earlier in my marriage . . . and your wife is doing what it took my wife years to agree to.
The weekend went very well. Grin. Even though it was pretty stressful. If we can continue like this then I can begin to relax about this and not be so tense all the time.
The lets-do-it weekly worked well until xmas. Then things fell apart again near new year.
We had another talk last Friday and she has said that she feels that the issue is tiredness. She's also come up with a plan to try and meet in the middle (she's a morning person, I'm an owl).
The plan, in theory, is that we free up our lunch times and try to get our den-away-from-kids working.
My issue with this is while it sounds great, it is just words(I seem to get a lot of words about this subject). There's also the issue of my job potentially coming to an end in 3 months-ish and then I'll be looking for work away from home. This would put more pressure onto her - the cleaning, dropping off\picking kids, walking dog, cooking etc that I'm helping with right now.
I'm frightened that would be it at that point.
I can see that she can be tired - pain from gallstones can keep her up at night sometimes - but there's no 'we' in the relationship. She needs to loose a reasonable amount of weight before an op is safe - but that's never seems to be happening.
We're going to start advertising and see if we can get a weekend nanny occasionally - we only have her mother living within babysitting reach and she can't do that. (Slightly disabled and not completely with it).
My plan now is relatively simple - we try and follow the her plan for the next couple of weeks. Then if that doesn't happen I'll ring Relate and get us booked in.
Part of me just feels that I'm the guy that walks the dog, cooks sometimes, looks after the kids and does nightly footrubbing and brings in the cash. I'm also the person that's being slowly driven out of his mind by this - I just feel so damn emotionally drained.
I just feel I've been pushing this rock up this bloody hill for so long and everytime I have a hint of success the bloody thing rolls back down again.
I can't go on like this forever - I'm going to try all the options I've got - and if those fail then we have to separate. I suspect I've got about 6-9 months before that happens. I'm beginning to wonder, if we didn't have kids, if we would've gone on this long.
My issue with this is while it sounds great, it is just words(I seem to get a lot of words about this subject).
...There's also the issue of my job potentially coming to an end in 3 months-ish and then I'll be looking for work away from home. This would put more pressure onto her - the cleaning, dropping off\picking kids, walking dog, cooking etc that I'm helping with right now.
I'm frightened that would be it at that point.
....I just feel I've been pushing this rock up this bloody hill for so long and everytime I have a hint of success the bloody thing rolls back down again.
I can't go on like this forever - I'm going to try all the options I've got - and if those fail then we have to separate. I suspect I've got about 6-9 months before that happens. I'm beginning to wonder, if we didn't have kids, if we would've gone on this long.
I feel your pain. It has been 5 months since I have had sex with my LD wife and until recently she has been just fine with that. We are now in Sex therapy after she has had a full medical physical to make sure that there are no physical reasons suppressing her libido.
My suggestion is to let your wife know that you are at the end of your rope. Let her know that you view your marriage is in crisis and could end. Then tell her that is not what you want and get into joint sex therapy with a really good counselor (probably easier said than done).
I feel that trying to save a marriage, especially if there are children at home is very important. My children have flown the nest, but I am still trying to save my marriage.
One thing that has helped me are self-hypnosis & verbal affirmation CD's that I listen to in the car and while I am on a treadmill at the gym (via an MP3 player). They help keep my spirits up and have helped me with weight loss, exercise motivation, body image and stress relief.
Good luck and hang in there.
Last edited by Young at Heart; 01/28/1004:34 PM.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
MarriedWolf, just so we're clear, you told her about all these fears, right? There's nothing wrong with what you're thinking, unless she doesn't know about it.
I had to have another uncomfortable talk with my wife last night. Maybe I'll write about it in my thread later if I have time. Good luck.
