Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

Here is my problem: I agreed to 50% custody. According to our parenting plan based on the experts' recommendations, I chose to not be selfish and do what is best for my son. When he turns around 1, we will each get him half time.

The reason why is that I did not know my biological dad. I met my stepdad after my mom married him when I was 4. He was my dad growing up and we fought until I became an adult.

I have a boy and children need to form a bond with same sex
parent. I want to do what's best for my child--oops, gotta run real quick! to be continued

[newmama]

So anyway, my son deserves both parents in his life and his dad will be more important way down the line. I do not want him to be in the middle of a parent tug of war.

The idea of giving him up for shared custody in the divorce rips me in half. Soooo that is why I am scared to push WH in the direction of D.
Doesn't that make sense?

[newmama]

Tonight-- little to report. WH got here later than normal. Instead of calling me to tell me he is on his way, he sent me a text 20 minutes later than he normally leaves. I couldn't help but think "He has been talking to OW. They got into a fight. Now he is late." I KNOW it's mind reading but it amuses me!

So he arrives and tells me he has been thinking about pinot gris on his way here. He pours us both a glass. We chat about our boy's day. I work out, make dinner. I made a comment about making chocolate cookies. He asks me if I will add cayenne- he remembered that yesterday I told him how it seemed all the cooks on the food network liked ro add cayenne to their chocolate recipes. (This is the old WH- paying attention to things I said, referencing them later in seriousness or a joke.) We enjoy dinner and watch TV together. He puts our boy to bed a little later than normal. He says goodbye and leaves.

He was here 2.5 hours; I saw him 45 minutes altogether (tops).
Nothing bad, nothing shattering.He liked my dinner, took my plate to the sink. Here is a fun overanalytical bit: I had to squeeze past him and brushed against his tush. Later, he lifted his shirt in front of me to scratch his tummy for longer than a second.

I think I forgot to add that my SIL came over earlier. She asked me if I wanted my toenails painted. So she visited for a couple of hours and gave me an earful about stuff. Mostly her experience with her exH and her boyfriend. I found out for sure that OW is not welcome in her home and WH has not talked to her about Christmas plans. There is more but I am tired!

[P17]

The idea of giving him up for shared custody in the divorce rips me in half. Soooo that is why I am scared to push WH in the direction of D.
Doesn't that make sense?

I completely understand that.

How would dating push your H into a D? You would only be doing what he is doing (and not even that as you would be committing adultery). If he wants to live in an open relationship then what is good for the goose ...

[newmama]

P17, I don't know how jealous you are of a person, and my WH is not abusive or anything, BUT he does get very jealous. I am scared that dating will make him pissed off and will push him to file the D.

Or dating will send a signal to him that I am over him and he should, out of guilt and being "noble," grant me the divorce.

I am open to hearing the opinions out there--I am just discussing my fears, not setting anything in stone! :-)

By the way, I am in the other room He is here today. He came near as I was typing and I shut the cover on the lap top quickly--just like HE did back when he was sneaking around! ha ha ha!

[ravenly1974]

One thing really sticks out at me - The wine. I don't know why but that gesture seems really out of place when his sole purpose is to spend time with his son. I mean, it's kind of a romantic thing to sip wine with the opposite sex. An adult activity he is sharing with you that has nothing to do with his visit to his son. I hope that is not too overanalytical but it just really jumped out at me. However, maybe he drinks wine everyday/often and just wanted to relax there...Who knows.

About him seeing you close your laptop: Delete your history. If he was at all curious about what you were doing online, don't let him see what you are really up to. Would take all the mystery out of it plus you wouldn't want him telling OW and having her snoop on you here.

As far as his emotions towards you dating: Thats why I would seriously keep it as a suspicion not fact. If he does get pissed, I would take that as an extremely positive sign there is still something there for him. Do you have any real idea as to why he hasn't filed for D yet?

Lastly, and I have no idea if this is overstepping my boundaries here so if it is please just ignore it. But, I think 1 year old is way too young to do a 50/50 even split. I have an 18 month old and cannot fathom only seeing her 50% of the time. 1 year they are still just babies who need their mommy fulltime. I totally get that you want them to forge a bond after what you went through, but there is a massive gray area between what you experienced, and a suitable custody arrangement where the child is as least disrupted as possible while still maintaining a r'ship with dad. Personally, I can see 50/50 being possible at 4-5 years when they are old enough to understand/be told why their routine is shuffled. At 1, I would fear bouncing back and forth too much is just so hard on them since they are total creatures of routine/stability. Your H is making this decision, NOT you, NOT your baby. He should be the one making the sacrifices. Any 50/50 should keep the baby in YOUR home with him just increasing the visits to YOUR home w/ baby. Not baby going back and forth. Ok, off my soapbox and I REALLY hope I didn't offend you in anyway its just from my own perspective as a mom of two very young ones.

[newmama]

Ravenly--no problem! I don't remember now if the 50/50 starts a 1 or 3, but I do agree that it sounds like it would be very disruptive to his routine. It's such a hard thing. I feel for all the kids from divorced families. I pray to God every day that WH will not D and choose R.

I think you are right that he should come to my house for visitation if we D, BUT how does that work if I have a boyfriend?

As for not filing, we don't talk about relationship stuff and I do not bring up the divorce--part of my divorcebusting plan. I have only noticed him being nice to me and I don't know what it means.

About the wine--not a big deal unfortunately! Serving me is kind of extra nice, though!

I do hear what you are saying about being suspicious of dating. If someone is suspicious, it doesn't mean they will actually do anything major, right? Just ask questions and try to confirm their suspicions?

Today he arrived with starbucks coffee for me.He sent me a text asking while I was asleep so I thought it would be too late to let him know but he just brought me my favorite drink anyway!...I can't help but remember that he used to always get starbucks for OW last year. I knew about it and didn't think it was suspicious. I think I figured she got it sometimes for him too. And there were other people in their work group who sometimes ordered coffee too.

Anyway, so I got to work baking cookies right away, and we made chit chat while he took care of our son.Sometimes there was silence too. I left to get my hair done and when I returned we took photos of our boy. He wished us a good night and said he would miss our boy.

So let's see...there were a couple of things that stood out to me as good. (now remember I do overanalyze but who cares!!! :-) I know that actions are more important.)

1)I was singing a song and he picked up on it and started singing too (on purpose, not subconsciously)

2) At least 3 times he moved right next to me-to look over my shoulder at the camera photos, when I was leaning over the paknplay to play with our baby and when I was icing the cookies.

3) He said that if the weather was bad this weekend, he would still come over but that he would not drive back and forth to anywhere (okay so this may not be a big deal but I am just kind of waiting for the day when he says he won't be taking our son over there)

My hair looks gorgeous by the way!!

[Day by Day]

I would say that his actions are positive! And you sound pretty strong and the gorgeous hair is a nice boost!!

[ravenly1974]

I also came from a broken home where my father was noticeably absent...It was hard. Our set up was the every other weekend thing, which would've been fine but he was never around on those weekends (Left me with evil stepmom), never showed up to my basketball games or track meets or the plays I was in. Those were the things that created a distance between us and was difficult for me.

I love reading your thread, I really familiarize myself with it. My previous sitch was very similar but also vastly different. My WAF(iance) left me and my son when he was just 5 months old. However, I knew for WAF that it was 100% over and didn't make any attempt at reconciling with him, nor did I want to when I found out he cheated. He also wanted nothing to do with his son, so when I came back home (I moved 2 hours away from home to be with him) I made it my mission to find a good, decent, stable father for my son while he was still young enough to not know the difference. (hence the diffs in ours sitch's)

I know how hard and lonely it is parenting a baby yourself - it has an entirely different set of tribulations that go along with it. Guilt is something us mothers feel towards our tiny ones regardless, but when they get a bad start to life right off the bat it just intensifies those feelings so much. I totally understand what motivates you to try so hard to your M work and commend you for that! I do think you are doing an amazing job and are an amazing person for stepping up to the plate the way that you have. In addition, I am also not the best/cleanest/motivated housewife and most of my friends are not, either. All of us get lazy in some aspect of life, it just happens. Do not blame yourself for that or think that justifies him - it happens to all of us!!! (Especially when you are pregnant for petes sake!)

BTW, I am QUEEN of overanalyzing! While I think to a point it can be unhealthy, to some degree it is theraputic for me to really think things through as it gives me a feeling of control when reality says I really don't have much.

As for him being super nice...I think it could be super bad (Buttering you up because you truly DO hold ALL the power when it comes to him and his son)

or

super good (He wants to keep things open with you in case things with OW don't work out).

YAY! on the gorgeous hair! I bet that made you feel GREAT!

As for visitation if you have a BF: A few things on this. First, I guess until things were really serious between you and new BF, you could just schedule your time together on opposite days WH comes over to drop of your son. OR have him hide out in your bedroom haha. But, eventually, your WH is gonna have to see him - especially if its gets serious enough to where you move in. I can't fathom that WH would enforce a double standard that OW can see/hang w/ baby but your BF can't????? If so, tough! Again, his choice NOT yours.

If he does get suspicious and ask questions, just be evasive about it and tell him you are making lots of friends and seeing where things go - nothing serious (yet). Do you really believe he would up and file a D in a rage of madness because he just suspects your dating w/o confirmation?

I think the idea is to just let him mull the idea of it (you dating) around awhile in his head so that he can see the ramifications of what he is doing. Like I said, my H's biggest fear is that some other man would step in his shoes and take his place. That fear for him is HUGE. I have no idea if your WH has really considered that as a possibility based on his own actions. Perhaps if he did, and felt that jealousy rise up, it may make him stop and think about his life with OW and how it compares to what he is giving up. (ie, it doesn't!)

[newmama]

I think the idea is to just let him mull the idea of it (you dating) around awhile in his head so that he can see the ramifications of what he is doing. Like I said, my H's biggest fear is that some other man would step in his shoes and take his place. That fear for him is HUGE. I have no idea if your WH has really considered that as a possibility based on his own actions. Perhaps if he did, and felt that jealousy rise up, it may make him stop and think about his life with OW and how it compares to what he is giving up. (ie, it doesn't!)

Ravenly, this makes complete sense. I really see the suspicion of dating as being something good for our marriage now!

About you parenting alone after your WAF left you and your son--how hard. I really do get some help from WH 5-6 days/week so it could be worse!

I was so worried WH was going to be minimally involved or out of the picture. That would be all it would take for me to wash my hands of him (of course). However, I did have a flash thought today that it would be easier in many ways if WH wasn't around. Like you did, I would carefully be on the lookout for a man who could raise him as his own! I am very happy for you Ravenly!