Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)

[Ready2Change]

It is one thing to outright lie and another to plant seeds of doubt. For everything you do there will be a day of reckoning where you have to explain yourself and convince the other party that they still deserve your trust and respect.

EVERYTHING I am doing in my own sitch is being documented and when the time comes I'll be able to support my actions for the innocent interactions that they are going to be. Its a major exercise in gas-lighting with good intentions.

[Ready2Change]

DBing is about changing the dynamic of your relationship by changing yourself so you are heading in the right direction.

[Ready2Change]

Look Inside one WAW~~~~~ Then and Now

[Ready2Change]

Here is an effective way to get reluctant spouse to counseling:

Spouse,

I understand your desire to keep this process moving forward as quickly as possible. I also understand XYZ and ABC. I have identified a counselor I feel would help give us closure to this difficult time in our lives. I need to do this to move forward. Regardless of the future, I am real certain that I never want to be in this situation again. I need to learn from this experience. The sessions will include co-parenting dialog to assure the least negative effects on our kids. I just need to supply them several different dates that work for us so they can fit us in their schedule.

Thank you for understanding
Me

[12bar]

Geo. Detachment does not mean avoidance. Detachment means you are separate from the outcome. It means you are not controlled by every action your W takes. It means you are fully capable of living your own life regardless of what your W decides to do with hers.

[Ready2Change]

And every chance you get, you listen to her. You let her vent and you validate her reality even if it differs from yours.

[Ready2Change]

The idea is to stop pursuing her altogether, you actually have to move in the opposite direction, she's used to you pursuing, she's used to you wanting to fix this marriage, she's used to you wanting her, now you have to do the opposite.

She wants out of the marriage - you agree.
She tells you that you guys could never work things out - you agree.

YOU don't want to be with anyone that isn't with you by choice (quoting Gucci on this one as it's so important to understand).

She doesn't want to be with you, you get it, you understand, you were foolish for trying to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with you. You get it now, you don't want to be in this marriage anymore either, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

[Ready2Change]

The Plan/Strategy is going to be to create CHAOS in her life. So far she has had you and your family to fall back on financially and for support. Now that her little business is falling apart this may not be as effective because she has already failed in it.

The plan is to cut EVERYTHING off. This is why you need an attorney to see what you can do without legal ramifications. You get your ducks in a row.

I'm not going to spell everything out for you in this post because you're still to eager a beaver. Your counter-attack, when it comes must hit her ALL AT ONCE. You're going to go for the jugular. This may sound vengeful, but it's not. You're going to do this for self-preservation - to protect yourself and your family. This is what a MAN does. He takes care of his own.

The side-effect of this will be to bring her to her knees. You are going to PUSH her into the OM's arms so he can deal with her crisis. You're going to shove reality down their throats in spades. Now OM has the additional tasks of dealing with supporting her financially and emotionally. When that happens usually his type flees. If this happens you leave her to stew in all the crap she has made. This will be difficult because you love her... but if you love her then you need to love her enough to let her grow up and face the consequences of what she has done. Only when she shows true remorse and starts changing for you do you blink. THAT IS THE LONG-TERM STRATEGY.

[Ready2Change]

You draw into your life what you fear. I suggest reading gypsy's words and face your fears head on:

Something I wrote to Frank.. and want to remember..

Here's something I want to share.

If I focus on my greatest fears, they happen.

My greatest fear even during the early years of the marriage was divorce. I never made a wedding album because I was afraid if I did divorce would follow. I didn't want to move out of our sweet tiny house because I knew if we didn't we'd be married for life.

We moved, I put together the album at year nineteen because I asked myself, what was I so afraid of.. even after talking to my former spouse about my wacky fears. But oops.. a divorce happened.

Once I knew my husband was really divorcing me, was gone, finito, arrivederci my greatest fear was financial insecurity. Although we had money in the bank, stocks, bonds I was scared to death and petrified. Guess what happened. The former spouse went nutso testosterone fired his reasonable lawyer, hired a big gun one who sucked down $50,000 in one month and twice as much once by the time the divorce was finalized. Oops.. I got that one too. No financial cushion, no savings, house on the market that's not selling. Ouch.

During this entire process quite a few teenagers my kids know have died in preventable car accidents. Horrible, shocking, heart breaking. The first time it happened I said, "That's a pain I never want to know." The second time it happened, I said the same thing. Now, considering my batting average with great fears, I don't go there. I'm supportive to the families, appreciate all the joys, tangles and angst of my own children and am thankful for all I have.

Why? Because if I focus on my greatest fears, they happen.

Instead of living the fear that you'll lose your children, focus on what is great. Keep that in the forefront of your mind.

The Tolstoy thing in my mind is a compliment. I'd want a frickin' Tolstoy operating on me, looking out for me. But if it bugs you, and you've heard three people make a negative reference to that aspect of your personality.. evaluate it. Maybe it's something you can tweak. There's something about 'threes' and learning.

If you look at the injustices of life, you become and/or are a victim. Even if all your actions are noble and honorable. If you cower at your divorcing spouse's tirades, you're the dog who rolls over and submits. Remember, she's just as miserable as you are. Instead, practice being a cat, turning around and farting in her general direction. (Wait.. do cat's fart?)

You are not a weak man. But you are making your way through a very painful process. And I'm sorry.. the state of New York is just sick financially forcing divorcing couples to live in the same house or risk losing it. Give yourself Frank time.

Next time your divorcing spouse brings out the claws do something different. "I understand why you feel that way." Validate.. yadda yadda. It takes two to fight. Pull the wick from the candle.

State your boundary to your divorcing spouse. If she doesn't respect it, don't reward it. Be the dad first, "Hey kids, let's go play in the other room. I'll be right there." Take the big picture approach, drop the rope. Because all the kids see is you fighting. Hug the kids instead. Tell your divorcing spouse that you understand why she feels this way. That is tough and hard and miserable for everyone. And that it will soon be over and you can each live your separate lives. Tell and accept the truth. Then let it go.

One last thing about the settlement once it's finalized. I started getting unhappy, upset about the final outcome. Then I realized I had no control and that no matter how much I bitched and moaned, nothing would change. So.. I decided that I'd gotten the absolutely best settlement ever. After all, it is what it is.. and when I remember that I did the best I could, and got the best possible, I don't go dipping in the bitter pool full of acidic feelings that eat away at my core.

PMA, baby.. Gypsy style.

[Ready2Change]

If you are trying to reconcile, you need to get a handle on your emotions. Yelling at him and beating him up will get you exactly nowhere. You are projecting a state of anger and insecurity and resentment -- and those are not things that will bring him back.