Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)

[Ready2Change]

Remember, every time you have backed off your wife runs toward you. THIS WORKS. Keep up the activities that WORK. Pursuing her doesn't, rejecting her does. Weird isn't it? ... or as @robx likes to call it: counter-intuitive.

[Ready2Change]

It sounds like you guys have communication issues. Quite frankly, I suspect that's present in just about everyone's situations here (mine included).

It also sounds like your self esteem is not where it should be. It's ok, I was there too. But, it is something you must address. If you are not happy with yourself, there's no way you can be happy with anyone else.

The pattern you describe in your situation, with H not telling you anything was up for a while, is, sadly, very common. If you read other's situations, you will see that in MANY, if not most.

I know you are probably pretty down right now, but things will get better. I have made some dramatic improvements in my life throughout this process. Things I never would have imagined. Many of the suggestions in DB'ing, and on these boards, will seem counter-intuitive, b/c they are. But, they work. You just have to have faith.

For now, the most important thing is to stop any and all discussion/actions your H might perceive as pursuit by you. Pursuit = pressure, and it will only drive your H away faster. So, while it will be hard, stop. What your H needs most right now is space.

Another suggestion I will give you, and one that everyone here seems to agree on, is DO NOT MOVE OUT of the house. If he moves out, you can't control it, but you stay put, unless there is an issue of physical harm, etc. (which I did not hear in your post).

Also, you should refuse to engage in any discussion with him that turn into him yelling at you. No one deserves that kind of treatment, and it is not productive. If he begins yelling, tell him you very calmly you will not have a yelling match with him and unless he stops yelling, you will walk out. That yelling is disrespectful, and you will no longer tolerate it. If he continues to yell at you, calmly walk out of the room. This should be a boundary issue for you.

Here is a list I found from another poster here early on in my situation, and it has always helped me:

1. Don't panic. No-one ever made a great decision when in panic. You WILL panic, it's natural, but take NO ACTION when you are in that state. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down before you can tackle ANYTHING.

2. Don't despair. No-one ever got divorced in a week. Divorce, although too easy these days still take time. you DO have time to turn things about.

3. You first step is not to rebuild your R. Of course it's your ultimate aim but it's not going to happen first. Your very first step is to put the seed of doubt in WAS's mind. They have been unhappy and they consider D to be the answer. It's your job to show them that maybe there is an alternative. And I stress show. There is little you can do to talk them out of this beyond sympathysing with their unhappiness and saying that IF D will make them happy then you won't stand in their way. If they are receptive to that, you could go further and say something like "we have had many good times together. Please think about this and make sure it really will make you happy. It's a lot to throw away".

4. Once you have said this back off and let them consider it. They need time. Your next step is GAL - no begging, crying or anger AT ALL. Your task is now part 2 of sowing the seeds of doubt about D - SHOWING WAS that things can be different. Now is the time to step back, put aside your ego and all thoughts of how unfair it all is (that just leads to bitterness, which is poison to a M) and REALLY look at yourself and decide if you are worthy of being WAS's spouse. I agree a M breakdown is rarely one sided but at this juncture it's more useful to look at your contribution. Look at yourself. Under a microscope. Decide if you've changed - are you happy with yourself, for you? Make changes. Now is the time for 180's. This stage also takes a long time too.

5. Time, time, time - it really IS on your side. The situation will not resolve as quickly as you hope. Don't compare your situation in terms of time with others'. It's very tempting to say "well, their situation is similar to mine and it took them 6 months so it will take me 6 months". Each situation is unique and needs its own time frame.

6. Set your goals and decide on your first signs. This part took me a couple of months to really "get". I had to REALLY read chapter 6 of DR from "I'm discouraged" then go and review my goals before I saw any results.

7. Develop a duck's back - water slides off it. Patience + lack of panic = success.

8. Set goals for yourself as well as the R. Decide on what you want to achieve for you alone and reward your success. I know this sounds like step 4 again but it's more a case of making the changes rather than lamenting how awful you are. (I felt awful about myself for some time - bad and guilty. I did me no favours whatsoever, ended up with me feeling resentment. Much better to look forward than back - as Michelle says, look for solutions and take action)

9. Keep in mind that your actions could be frightening to WAS - you are not reacting in the way they wanted. They had this D all mapped out in their head and it's not panning out the way they thought. This has the added benefit that it leads them to think "if this isn't going the way I planned then maybe it isn't right", but it will take them a LONG TIME to come to this conclusion, to let go of their D comfort blanket. You can help them by being consistent with the positive changes. If you revert back to the you they find unacceptable then they feel perfectly justified in continuing with the D.

10. This is going to be tough on you. In the ideal world, couples in crisis would sit down together and negotiate together and accept that change was possible. In reality, you are very unlikely to resolve your problem in this way, almost certianly not in the early stages. You are not giong to have the luxury of a spouse who will listen to you and accept what you say.
You are going to be in extreme pain. You have to find something to soothe this. To have your WAS would work like a shot, but you ain't going to get this in a hurry. Do whatever it takes to comfort yourself - write a diary, see friends, go places, take the kids out if you have them, take exercise - anything. Your aim is to find something which makes you say "well, the rest of my life may be turning to sh*t but at least this part of it's OK". It acts as a time out for you and relieves the stress.

[Ready2Change]

Originally Posted By: LiveToLearn -Do I start with a romance faze?

No, you go back to a DETACHMENT phase, and then if she ever asks you to take her back again, you do so with BOUNDARIES and CONDITIONS.

[Ready2Change]

Bowtech's Notes

[Ready2Change]

There is someone else...

The biggest clue is that a normal person who didn't have someone else in the picture would say this when you told them you were sorry for your mistakes and want to make them right...

"Well, what do I have to lose? I guess I can give it another chance since he seems so sincere. We do have a history together so I guess I can see if he is serious."

You see? They really have nothing to lose. When there is nobody else they are open to your changes.

Now. When they DON'T want to try, then it is a sure bet that they are emotionally invested somewhere else. Did you ever watch the Tarzan movies? He swings from vine to vine. HOWEVER, he doesn't let go of one vine UNTIL he has the next one in his grasp. He then stops thinking about the vine he just had his security invested in and is now invested in the new vine.

That is how it usually goes with humans.They hang on to the vine that they have with a tight grasp until the next vine is within their grasp. They kinda hold on to both vines at once until they are sure they next vine is secure enough to let go of the last one. If they have no new vine coming at them then they keep swinging on the one they have within their grasp. They don't let go if there is no other vine. Too scary.


This is why you must find out the truth. You can't bust the divorce without all the facts. The reasons she is giving you most certainly don't make sense UNLESS there is someon new.

[Ready2Change]

Remember, when in doubt, say "I don't know how I feel about that; let me think about it and get back to you".

[Ready2Change]

Validate his feelings, "I can see how you feel like ____________ when ____________ . However this is what I really think__________________."

[Ready2Change]

you rather I lay it out and tell you how I see her and the stitch you're in...rather than soft soap it and give you a hug and tell you everything is going to be okay? You can get that from your friends & family. This board is to put the light on the areas you need to see. The fact that it is hard to hear anything negative about your W is b/c you still love her and it's natural to feel that way. She sounds like a tough gal to me.

[Ready2Change]

I guess when he mentioned coming home I just expected him to naturally talk to me about it when he got here.

How'd that work for you?

I would like to know how people who have reconciled after a separation get back into the swing of things???

Communication - validation, listening, empathy, compassion

identifying and dealing with issues - solutions

transparency

avoiding old dysfunctional habits

saying what is on your mind - don't be afraid of what the other might think

boundaries - differentiation

practice true giving - LLs, no expectations

re-committing

That should get you started. You can handle it.

[Ready2Change]

One important note here: do NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, reveal to your husband your source of intel!!

It can work to your strong advantage that he doesn't know what you know, and he doesn't know what you DON'T know . . . ya know??? If/when you decide to confront him, a blanket "Oh, I know all about you and ________ . How incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family."

Think about that for a few minutes: he knows that you know, but he doesn't know WHAT you know. It's a distinct moment of power, in an often powerless situation.

Puppy