I set the boundary with my h that we discussed a few pages back. It took some strength to do but it paid off. Things were quite different this time we met.
- He pursued me to meet up - He arranged the time and day a week before - He contacted me the night before to set a venue. - He paid for the meal - He has since sent me Christmas card and is sending me a present to take with me on my travels as I am off backpacking for 5 weeks. - I was strong, calm, friendly, relaxed and happy (not happy at meeting him but happy in my new strength) and in control in the meeting.
I am now not changing a thing. I am not going to pursue, get excited that these small gestures mean he is coming home, but enjoy my holiday.
Thank you for helping me 'get' this. It has helped me feel so much stronger.
Here is a draft of the next boundary going out, all input is welcome:
Quote:
Hi W,
You're an adult, and I can't tell you what to do, but when you avoid discussing issues concerning our children, I feel frustrated that your dislike of me prevents you from doing what is best for our kids. I am sad that you continue to choose rigidity over flexibility as well as silence over communication. I feel alarmed and know with absolute certainty this is not healthy for our children. I want what is best for our kids: flexibility and communication.
I have been flexible in the past and I stand ready to be flexible in the future. You have a perfect opportunity to show flexibility now by allowing S10 to spend time with my dad during your parenting time. We both know that nothing else is going on the day in question. If you choose to prevent him from going with my dad, I will continue to follow your lead and remain rigid with your requests. I will also follow you lead on limiting the contact with your family during my parenting time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
You're an adult, and I can't tell you what to do, but when you avoid discussing issues concerning our children, I feel frustrated that your dislike of me prevents you us from doing what is best for our kids. I am sad that you continue to choose rigidity over flexibility as well as silence over communication.I feel alarmed and know with absolute certainty this is not healthy for our children. I want what is best for our kids: flexibility and communication.
I have been flexible in the past and I stand ready to be flexible in the future. You have a perfect opportunity to show flexibility now by allowing S10 to spend time with my dad during your parenting time. We both know that nothing else is going on the day in question. If you choose to prevent him from going with my dad, I will continue to follow your lead and remain rigid with your requests. I will also follow your lead on limiting the contact with your family during my parenting time.
For what it is worth R2C here is my thoughts on this. Just taking out things that seem more petty and almost name calling. Just tell her your stance with less emotion.
"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" Matthew 6:33
I like some of your changes. I feel it is important to state my feelings to her (a 180) and am following advise from John Gray-Mars/Venus P237 that helps express all feelings.
Start with anger,then sadness, then fear, then regret then love.
Next pass:
Quote:
Hi W,
When you avoid discussing issues concerning our children, I feel frustrated that your dislike of me prevents us from doing what is best for our kids. I am sad that you continue to choose rigidity over flexibility as well as silence over communication. I feel alarmed and know with absolute certainty this is not healthy for our children. I want what is best for our kids: flexibility and communication.
I have been flexible in the past and I stand ready to be flexible in the future. You have a perfect opportunity to show flexibility now by allowing S10 to spend time with my dad during your parenting time. If you choose to prevent him from going with my dad, I will continue to follow your lead and remain rigid with your requests. I will also follow your lead on limiting the contact with your family during my parenting time.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm a new comer and just started my thread a few days ago. Please stop by my thread and give some input. Donna wan to get my thread by any mean here.
Just wanted to ask all of you is it ok if I say this to W, who takes our kids out to see her OM and his family:
"W,
You’re an adult, and you can do what you want. I cannot control you. However, I need to remind you that even though our R is in crisis, I do have an equal right as you do to know who, where, and what our kids will see, be, and play with. There are certain people I don't want our kids to be associated with or exposed to. I'll feel disrespectful if you cross this line. Neither you nor I want to drag our kids into our currently difficult relationship. However, if you choose to cross it, I will file for a full protection for the kids from seeing these people."
thanks
Know what you need and happy with what you've gotten.
)but I passed that as well.