Swimming against the current - PH in piecing

[swest99]

I remembered the other one

Personality Puzzle (Paperback)
~ Florence Littauer (Author), Marita Littauer (Author)

http://www.amazon.com/Personality-Puzzle-Florence-Littauer/dp/080078703X

[avermont]

I hope you have a fabulous time skiing.

I can only imagine what it feels like to try and reclaim turf that BF gave to the OW.

Maybe focus on the fact that he IS there with YOU, not the "rack." Be the interesting YOU that he chose to come back to.

Stand on top of the mountain and shout: I belong on this mountain with BF! I'm here! Claim it, claim it, claim it as your space with him.

And I wish you lots of powder!

[Dudess]

I just can't seem to get over the feeling like I was dispensible, that he was just going to move me out and move her in and continue on in the life we had planned.

When forced to choose, he chose you and dumped her Pearl. He could have let you go, and probably could have moved her in. He didn't.

He screwed up big time and I'm sorry he gave you this hurt, but you were not dispensible.

[Hope4us]

I'm right there with ya Pearl concerning the "rack".

Just recently I saw a picture of OM for the first time and I just thought to myself "You F'ing cheated on me with THAT"? I guess I was hoping that he'd be frickin Brad Pitt or something, but no. Frickin weasel looking POS. I showed my Admin Assist his picture and she's like "no way, he looks like a squirrel".

Don't get too hung up on her looks. I've read a couple of times in books and other websites that people affair down. Where else would they find a low life to do that with? Someone with no morals who looks like a dik (or C*nt depending on gender. And I reserve that word for only special women!) If this A person was so special, why would they go after an attached person? Because they're either only after one thing or because they can't find a real relationship so they find someone who is struggling for whatever reason and set their trap.

I would suspect the OW in your sitch is like that. And I would suspect your BF is really struggling with the ski trip also. He's probably feeling like chit because he blew it with you and he's taking you to "reclaim" the fun stuff you guys did together before. Like you probably read on my sitch about the trip to the mountains and that freaking glass. I think I'm ready to reclaim that special place W and I have loved going to our whole marriage.

Go skiing. Enjoy the time with BF. MAKE IT YOURS again!

[rockedworld]

Thanks for commenting on this! I have been struggling with this also. 23 y.o. OW looks like (and obviously acts like)a "trailer trash" ho. Sorry... I don't usually talk about people like that, but it is true. The number that did on my self esteem... I was a mess! I've never heard that before about "affairing down" (is that how you put it?) How reassuring. H and I have actually talked about that, and his IC has talked with him about that too.... it's like he was sabotaging his life. She would have literally ruined him, in every way. Our kids would never have respected him or her, nor would his family, friends, etc. He would likely have lost his career, respect in the community etc.
Anyway.... thanks for commenting!
And Pearl, we better hear about an amazing time when you get back!

[avermont]

How was the skiing, Pearl?

I hope you were able to build new happy memories with your BF, and keep OW out of your mind.

[Silver Fox]

Merry Christmas Pearl! He made the right choice and he knows it now. I hope you had a great trip!

[pearlharbr]

Hi swest99, thanks for stopping by.

Any insight is always appreciated. And yes, he is very non-confrontational. It's frustrating for me since I'd rather blow up and get over it (which I've explained numerous times over the years) but I think we're both trying to talk things out calmly.

I'll take a look at the books you recommended.

[pearlharbr]

Thanks for the pep talks everyone.

We did go away for the weekend. It was touch and go right before we left but I decided to suck it up and just try not to think of it. And as you and my BFF pointed out, it was never about OW specifically, she was just there when he decided to be self-destructive. He definitely cheated down because she's not nearly as attractive (see, my self-esteem is fine these days ;)) and as BF says, she has no personality. Plus she is a predator who has a history of going after married men and not one of them yet has stayed with her.

The weekend was pretty lowkey. Sat morning we slept in then hit the slopes. After lunch we met up with a couple friends who showed up for the day and skied the rest of the day with them. Sat night we went out to dinner at a steak place, had a couple drinks while watching the end of the football game, then went back to the condo. We had originally planned to hang out with friends who have a place up there but no one went up last weekend. Then we were going to hang out with other friends who decided to come up but they blew us off. Whatever!

Sun morning BF said ILY because you're so much fun. I know he just said it because of my concerns because it was a pretty mundane weekend. He insisted that he has fun just hanging out with me. We got up, went to breakfast, then our timeshare presentation (that's how we got the cheap weekend rate). After that ordeal was over we headed back to town listening to Christmas music the whole drive. We spent the rest of the evening watching football.

So nothing spectacular but nothing bad either.

I found out yesterday that a friend from HS is going to be in town for Christmas so I invited him over for dinner. It will definitely change the dynamic but that might be a good thing. The holidays are full of triggers and I'm trying to stay on an emotional even keel. If someone else is in the house I'm way less likely to burst into tears.

I spent all day yesterday writing my annual newsletter and getting my Christmas cards out. I skipped the letter last year for obvious reasons and heard back from several people that they missed it. I put off doing it this year because I just wasn't sure what to say. I decided that the people who know what was going on last year also know we're working things out and those who don't know will never notice a difference. So I talked about the good things since the summer and left it at that.

Today I will finally start baking my cookies if I can ever get off these boards!

[pearlharbr]

Survived Christmas. Actually it was quite nice. It really helped having a friend stay with us as it gave me something to focus on and kept all the thoughts of OW away. Well, most of them. I did check BF's phone to see if she texted him and there wasn't anything from her but there was a "Merry Christmas" message from a former coworker. I don't like her anymore because she was the one who told BF to leave me when I discovered the affair (we were out with two other couples the night I saw the texts from OW on his phone) because we didn't have anything in common. Nice. And we had socialized with her and her husband for a few years before this! Anyway, I told BF a couple days later that I saw the text from her and asked if he was still in touch. He said no and that made me feel better. I know I can't choose his friends, nor do I want to, but it does make me uncomfortable when he chooses to hang out with people who actively condoned his affair and worked to split us up.

BF got me a lovely Tahitian pearl pendant for Christmas, just what I wanted. It's the first time he's ever bought me jewelry that didn't involve being at the store with me when I picked something out and just handing over his credit card. I have mentioned that I wanted Tahitian pearls a couple years ago so he isn't a total gift genius, but it's nice to know that he can pay attention if he so chooses.

We had a few friends over on Boxing Day including my friend M who works for BF. She told me something that has been bothering me a bit and I'm not sure if I should mention it to BF or if it's something I should just deal with on my own.

Among the several new members of BF's team at work are a man and woman who started around the same time and hit it off very well. Everyone who works with them joke about them being each other's work spouse and then it progressed to joking about them having an affair. Recently when this came up again they started saying to the woman, no you're not having an affair with G, you're having one with BF (who is their boss's boss). My friend M said she just froze but couldn't say anything without raising suspicion so she just let it go, but she wanted to tell me in case I heard it from anyone else at BF's company.

Now I admit that at first I was skittish about him working with so many women, but I can't do anything about it so I just let it go. But then I met this woman and immediately got a bad vibe about her. Nothing specific she said or did but I just don't want BF to start hanging out with her. BF has never talked about her at home so I don't think he socializes with her much at work. I'm just a little freaked out since OW was a coworker and he's going to be working long hours for two straight weeks starting Saturday.

Part of me wants to say something to him in case I irrationally freak out at some point so he knows where it's coming from. But most of me thinks I need to learn how to work through these feelings and deal with them on my own since right now it's just in my head. Sigh.