I exposed my H's affair to our 3 kids when they were 23, 21, and 17. I felt that they needed to see what happens in a marriage because they all have their own significant relationships. They took sides in the conflict; they were all on my side. And they told their father what they thought. in fact, my oldest son called the OW and told her to leave his father alone. My kids showed their father that even if he didn't care about our marriage, they did. I think it made a big difference in his interest in reconciling.
I am so sorry you are here. But, we are here for you.
Don't feel bad that you called. This man is YOUR H, and that was YOUR H's phone. They are the ones in the wrong. I did that once... called OW's number and did a hang up. H asked and I lied at first... not sure why... I think because I was ashamed I had done it. Then, after I thought about it, I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of, so told H I had done it and why. He kinda just accepted it then.
It sounds like he was looking for an excuse, especially with all the pressure from OW.
But.... my guess is there will be continued pressure from her. She is going to want him to now make a commitment of some sort. Unless he is heartless, he is going to struggle with being away from the kids, other family members, people in the community etc. My H has admitted to me those were all things he struggled with when he was waffling back and forth between the two of us.
Exposure is your call... but if he has left with no word what does he expect you to do? Not explain anything to anyone? What do the kids know about why he is not home now?
Your sitch sounds very similar to mine... we live in a small town too and I am sure the neighbors noticed that H was hardly home for a few months.
Even though he has walked out, you still have the opportunity to set boundaries, and you can take this time to clarify them and get stronger about communicating them. I think you are doing the right thing by going dark for now, let him do the contacting. But, likely he will at some point, and you can calmly but firmly tell him you will not be in an open marriage. You can tell him that you still choose this M and if he is willing to stop all contact with OW you will work on things together. So, if he chooses OW, that is HIS choice to own to your kids, the community, etc. That is pretty much what I said. It took 3 weeks after that for H to decide. He still lived at home but was still seeing OW.
Stay strong... you can handle this... you are not alone!
Thankyou Lotus and RW for responding! Lotus, I will have to catch up on your sitch. RW, I started yours from the beginning (took me a couple of days to catch up) but it really gave me hope as I do feel ours are very similiar. The younger kids S14 and D11 were told by the Dad that "Mom and Dad aren't getting along and he wasn't coming home for awhile and that he wouldn't answer his phone because he didn't want to talk to me so for them to leave a message and he would call them back". As far as I know, H's S27, doesn't know anything about our "issues". I think S27 is old enough I could tell him what is going on but afraid my DIL will never forgive H. She is very headstrong and doesn't get along with S27's Mother because of past issues.
I don't know how far back you have read my sitch but this is not the first A that H has had. First one was in 2001 and very brief, but he left us after for about a month after he found out I had searched his truck. I expect he will mad for quite some time but back then, he lived by himself and got lonely, now he is with HER so he won't be lonely. I am sure that H is staying with OW. She lives in a town about 35mi from here and see he used bank card to get gas in that town yesterday.
Kids and I have plans to go shopping so they can spend their xmas money and we will have lunch with their favorite Uncle (my brother) so will keep keeping busy and reading your sitch's cause any encouragement will help!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
I haven't read your original thread so didn't know the previous history. That complicates the trust issues. But, no matter what, the DB strategies are good for YOU and therefore good for the kids! How are the kids doing with this?
I did not try the coaching, but I would guess if you can afford it it is probably very helpful...
RW-yes, sometimes I think I am crazy for even wanting to keep this marraige going but back then, I didn't really set any boundaries, just made him promise to not to it again. We can see where that got me!
Kids seem to be doing ok. They haven't asked a lot of questions yet. They just think that Mom and Dad aren't getting along right now and that Dad is mad at Mom.
We had a good time shopping and lunch with my brother. He suspected something was up so gave him a quick synopsis while the kids were in the restroom.
I am rooting for you and your M!!!!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
The telephone coaching helped put me into a positive frame of mind at a time when I was feeling very desperate and unhinged. I got good advice but I didn't always manage to apply all of it because of a lot of anger I was experiencing. I also got very practical advice re books to read, websites to visit and steps to implement. I would encourage you to get it because it just helps to speak to an impartial third party in detail. But you will also get very sound advice from this Board and reading other threads.
I did the three sessions with Dottie and I think they helped me. The big thing about Dottie is that she's very, very, very pro-marriage, meaning she kept telling me this is not a six-month or one-year fix. She's telling me to be prepared for two years.
On the board, people aren't as patient -- real life versus counseling life.
She also helped me go through conversations I though I handled well and showed me how I could handle them better.
But $390 for 3 is veeeerrrrryyyyy pricey.
I've used them up and am waiting until March to sign up again -- if it looks like there's any positive movement.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Thanks Kara and CTH. I agree that reading these boards are awesome and have helped me a lot but am wondering if actually talking with someone would be better. I am having a hard time tonight. I emailed my brother my sitch as he had guessed that all was not well with me at lunch and as I was re-reading it, it made me wonder why I am still wanting this marraige so badly and also, I think I have been in denial and actually talking about it with a family member is making it oh so real.
My brother has never been married so his perspective is that of a brother who sees that his sister has been hurt and can't imagine how I could ever trust H again and I am wondering that myself.
H has not called at all to inquire about the kids or how they are doing in his absence. He is so selfish!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
CW, The denial helps us cope with an unbearable sitch, but we can't stay in it forever. It sounds like you are getting in touch with some anger... that's good! Allow it to motivate you to take charge of figuring out your boundaries... what will you tolerate and what are the dealbreakers? Time to focus on you and the kids. Take care! Hugs, Rocked
